Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, June 21, 2013


The ABC's Of Death (2012) US/New Zealand

Originality in horror is incredibly hard to come by. Maybe that's why I thought I'd try this - the movie is basically a collection of 26 directors, each given a letter of the alphabet and allowed to do whatever short story they want. The results are - uneven but there are some really good moments and some really awful moments. 

Although there are some humorous shorts (including claymation and cartoon or cartoonish shorts) this is NOT for children. This is about death after all, and in some cases truly twisted and grisly. It is said they chose 25 directors and had a contest to pick who would be the 26th. That was the director of the claymation sequence.

They also do something that's a big no-no: They promise a sequel. That almost NEVER works but good luck to them. You will see anything from farting Japanese school girls (no I am NOT kidding) to a fight between a man and a dog that actually has a - well not a happy ending but a surprising one. 

Yes there are light moments - Adam Wingard, a director who has done films (well parts of them anyway) such as V/H/S stars in his own sequence, bitterly complaining that he got the letter 'Q' and feels it shows disrespect. 

There is toilet humor in abundance for those into that sort of thing. And lots and lots of gore. I don't know if they had budget constraints, but some obviously spent a whole lot more than others.

Oh and for my friends and their particular... umm... fears, yes, there are spiders and zombie clowns. Just letting you know.

It would take forever and make a short story unto itself if I attempted to explain each letter, so I'm just going to list them and the titles they represent (in the movie you don't get the title until the end of the movie so this may be a bit of a spoiler):

  • A is for Apocolypse
  • B is for Bigfoot
  • C is for Cycle
  • D is for Dogfight
  • E is for Exterminate
  • F is for Fart
  • G is for Gravity
  • H is for Hydro-electric Diffusion
  • I is for Ingrown
  • J is for Jidai-Geki (Samurai Movie)
  • K is for Klutz
  • L is for Libido
  • M is for Miscarriage
  • N is for Nupitals
  • O is for Orgasm
  • P is for Pressure
  • Q is for Quack
  • R is for Removed
  • S is for Speed
  • T is for Toilet
  • U is for Unearthed
  • V is for Vagitus (The cry of an infant)
  • W is for WTF! (I am NOT kidding)
  • X is for XXL
  • Y is for Youngbuck
  • Z is for Zetsumetsu (Extinction)

Watch with caution, watch with no expectations, and watch knowing you don't have to see the sequel (assuming there will be one) if you don't want to.

Japanese school girls (and trying to decipher Korean translations) are starting to look pretty good right now.