Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, June 9, 2013


My Perfect Horror Movie

From the time that I was really young, you know, before electricity, telephones and the wheel, I have loved different kinds of books and movies. Now most are thinking 'Well that's really dumb, who doesn't, DUH!' but I mean really REALLY loved books and movies. Even movies I hated I watched. They take you away, they make you think, they include lots of commercials. Unless you go to the theater of course. Oh wait, those have commercials too now. And books, thanks to those ancient buildings called libraries, were free, plentiful, and I could read one or more in a day.

Science fiction used to be my favorite. I can't count how many times I've seen the Star Wars series (4, 5 and 6 - not the perpetually whiny first three), Star Trek of course, Indiana Jones (yeah I know but c'mon, it may have been an action movie but there were plenty of freaky deaky stuff in it too) and all those things that made up my childhood. For books it was most of the same with some horror thrown in - but fantasy and sci-fi were my main escape.

Then I saw Night Of The Living Dead. And Altered States. Uh, let's see - oh yeah, the original House Of Wax with Vincent Price. Also, Play Misty For Me and Wait Until Dark (saw that as a double feature). And that was about it. I wasn't really able to see horror movies (unless my parents took me to them just to yell "Cover your eyes!" at me) so I mostly read. Oh the libraries I consumed! Maybe not as exciting, but I was loving horror more and more. Just didn't get to see any.

Young adulthood wasn't much different. I was into music videos. All day, every day. This, you young meat bags, was when Music Television MEANT MUSIC. I would just click that sucker on and leave it running. But then the music stopped. So I got into <sigh> soap operas. Yeah I know, that's as mindless as somebody can get - especially in the days with no VCR making me feel like dying if I even missed one episode. But they were sooooo slow - a simple story could take over a month to resolve. So enough of that nonsense. Back to books.

So I waited for the world of satellite TV. And I got my horror groove on. My faves starting turning towards movies you could really make fun of. I know, I know, MST3K and horror hosts like Elvira and Joe Bob Briggs were way ahead (and a lot better) than me, but I knew this was what I liked. Not being scared by anything (well, Food Of The Gods freaked me out a little bit but then again so did the rock opera Tommy so I'm kind of weird that way) I had more fun watching and yelling at the TV set, to the irritation of the hubby.

When I saw movie adaptions of some of my favorite horror novels I was, well, horrified. When you youngsters see World War Z you'll get an idea of what I mean. I saw that WWZ is PG-13. You know what that tells me? The last time I saw a zombie movie that was PG-13 one viewer gushed 'I was so glad that there is a zombie movie I can let my kids watch. No blood, no gore, no language - it was great!' Horror is NOT supposed to be 'great' for kids. Horror is when movie makers need to leave their little CGI gadgets at home and try and scare us for crying out loud. Kids can get their scares from Disney cartoons, just like we did.

Well I got way off topic again, didn't I? Okay youngsters, what follows is my idea of the perfect horror movie, hope you at least don't let your kids read it and say 'My five year old thought this was great!'