Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

THE MOST PERFECTEST HORROR MOVIE EVER IN THE UNIVERSE





Brave New World (Coming Soon - Or Maybe Not)

No this isn't an adaptation of the novel by Aldous Huxley and he can't yell at me about using it 'cause he's dead. It's my movie and since I can't call it The Super Duper Fantastic Adventures Of Zombie Ninja Killers Of Fans of Paranormal With Hand Held Camera Movies it's going to be Brave New World. And here we go.

We start with a group of ten people in their early 30's who actually ARE in their early 30's. They live in a utopian United States run by a crochety 40 something female President (to be acted by me - after all, Stephen King gets to be in HIS movies...) who has outlawed found footage hand held camera paranormal movies and ordered all CGI machines to be destroyed.

College can only be attended by persons 30 years and older, and all young ones are conscripted to work for the general population to support the older ones' schooling and all of the nation's expenses until they reach 25, when they are required to report for duty in the medical field, taking care of the nation's senior citizens and those who are disabled or simply unable to care for themselves. There are no homeless and no unemployment - anyone without a home is to be provided for by the conscripted youth until the older one dies or the youth reaches the age of 30.

So we have a nation of older ones cared for by the younger ones and no more shaky, crappy movies, okay? New international laws provided by the United League of Common Sense have forbidden and torn down all abandoned prisons, asylums, and supposedly haunted houses. In their place are decent, low-cost housing.


So these 10 normal, 30-something people are in their first year of college. They have names like Frank, Joanne, Mary, Todd, etc. because names like Tiffany, Christian, Snookie, Esme, Cullen, Xavier, etc. have all been outlawed. They have all chosen as their majors Constitutional Law because, as you probably know, this Country seems to have forgotten we have them and what they are. After all, to quote the Honorable Abner J. Mikva: The President's office and authority are created and bounded by the Constitution; he is required to act within its terms. 

Put somewhat differently, in serving as the executive created by the Constitution, the President is required to act in accordance with the laws -- including the Constitution, which takes precedence over other forms of law. This obligation is reflected in the Take Care Clause and in the President's oath of office.


Oops, sorry - got off topic again. Okay to recap, we have a world where the young takes care of the not-so-young, the sale of pain medication has been reduced by 80% because of the hand-held camera ban, and yours truly rules the world - err I mean oversees the US. Suddenly there are strange reports of sounds coming from a shopping mall that had been closed permanently and set for demolition for only offering clothing and other items that only served less than 1% of the population when national law clearly states that all stores MUST serve the needs of ALL people regardless of age or size.

Since the ten friends have finished all their school work and gotten B+ or above grades, they decide that since they don't want to go to bed just yet (it IS only 7:00 p.m.) that they're going to check out the mall. They get permission of course because breaking in is just wrong...

You know, I can almost hear all of you yawning so hard your jaws are cracking right about now. Okay so my movie needs a little work, I'll have to think some more about it...