I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Apocalypse Movies

Stake Land (2010)

Apocalypse movies are, not surprisingly, rising in number but not necessarily in quality. This is a mild exception. It was mostly passable, although uneven at least it was roughly realistic if you can think of such a thing about what a world would be like in this particular situation.

This one is about vampires. They do not sparkle. They do not look longingly at unattractive, depressed teenagers. These nasty things kill, tear apart, ruin the world. Literally. We join the story after the initial downfall has already happened, leaving pockets of survivors, some just trying to make things a little normal, others that have turned into total religious whackos (like we don't have those already) and believe that the vamps were 'brought from God' to 'bring us back to the light' whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. For the whackos it means anybody that doesn't do exactly as they say is thrown to the wolves - err I mean the vamps that stay on the outskirts of their settlements, an uneasy truce being formed of a kind.

That's Mr. Mister to you.

The way the whole thing started is unexplained - one Marine they run into says the troops were all sent home because there was nothing left to fight - the entire Middle East was 'vamp land'. He also provides some information on how larger cities, including Washington were brought down. The religious whackos took airplanes full of the vamps and purposely crashed them in high population areas. The vamps of course survived and quickly made mincemeat (literally) of the people.

I'm like who? Who's Ralph Macchio?

The movie moved along, although at times painstakingly (Get it - pain - stake? Ah never mind.) as backstory is combined with present situations. We have a man described as 'the last of the hunters' called only 'Mister' (Nick Damici) who rescues a young man whose family is slaughtered in front of his eyes. His name is Martin (Connor Paolo) and in half Zombieland (although not funny) and half Karate Kid fashion (also not funny) he is 'trained' in the ways of a vampire slayer. Along the way, they are joined by fellow travellers, such as an old nun (I had a genuine OMG moment when I found out it was Kelly McGillis of Top Gun fame - wow, she looked BAD!) who has had to suffer vampires and humans alike. They go North to find a place called 'New Eden', taking the back roads and avoiding major thoroughfares that have been seized by The Brotherhood, a fundamentalist militia of whackos that I described above headed by Jebedia (Michael Cerveris).

Do you think I'll get a bunch of teenage groupies?

Due to Mister having killed Jebedia's son, who was trying to rape the nun, the group is captured by The Brotherhood and, as punishment, Mister is left at the mercy of a group of vampires. Martin promptly escapes the Brotherhood camp and discovers that Mister has survived the vampire attack. They drive off together, making a stop where they pick up another traveler, the pregnant Belle (Danielle Harris), who hopes to make it to New Eden to have her child. Later, they also pick up Willie (Sean Nelson), a Marine, who is found hiding from The Brotherhood in a Porta Potty. The four decide to go after Jebedia, whom they successfully ambush then tie to a tree and leave for the vampires. Even as they do that, you know that leaving him alive is a very VERY bad idea, but hey, that's how these movies go. The group is soon reunited with the nun but celebrations are interrupted when The Brotherhood, using helicopters, drops vampires into town. You gotta admit that's a different kind of way to do things (Please don't mention Zombies On A Plane aka Flight Of The Living Dead, we're not going to think about that.). They keep going North. The car breaks down (surprised it went as far as it did, it was a real piece of junk) and they have to pack it through the woods. After a while (and one of the slow parts of the movie) they think they're relatively safe, until they are attacked by stronger vampires known as 'berserkers'. They run into the fields, and the nun diverts the chase away from the rest then shoots herself in the head. Bye Kelly.

I'm gonna rape you... holy hell you're Kelly McGillis! Crap!

After several days of walking through the wilderness, they take shelter in a broken-down bus and notice in the morning that Willie is missing (midnight potty breaks are never a good idea in horror movies, unless of course there's a Porta Potty). The three search for him, first finding his blanket then finding Willie killed and strung up in a tree. They realize this is a new kind of vampire - one who actually thinks. Nasty. Belle disappears, and her cries are heard which Martin immediately follows despite Mister's warning that it's a trap, and of course it is. She is found bound and bled almost out. They discover that this new, thinking vampire is none other than Jebedia (told you so) who smashes them up good, using his super strength together with thinking ability. But, predictably, when both should have been killed in first thirty seconds, Martin impales Jebedia, who laughs it off - until Mister slams a larger piece home and he's finished. And so is Belle, who has to be killed or she will turn.

            

We religious whackos are bald and beautiful, right?

The duo then heads North again with a found truck and they meet Peggy (Bonnie Dennison), who lives alone in what once was a roadside restaurant and picks off approaching vampires using a crossbow (Between her and Daryl Dixon of The Walking Dead I've really been wanting to get one of those!). Martin and Peggy instantly get along and when Mister realizes this and that Martin can now effectively handle a vamp on his own, he decides to leave them to continue the journey on their own. Martin finds Mister's skull pendant hanging from the truck's mirror as a souvenir. Driving further north, Martin and Peggy are about to enter Canada, which is the New Eden the survivors were heading for. And that's it. We don't get to know any more - are you still interested? If you are (and I can't possibly imagine why), there's talk of a sequel, but you know how sequels go. And since the glittery, angst-driven vamps are in full blown popularity, I don't know how another vamp apocalypse movie will be received. There won't be a 'Team Martin', that's for sure.