END OF THE YEAR HORROR MOVIE REVIEW CLEARANCE... PART ONE BILLION - IF YOU DIDN'T READ ALL THE ENTRIES MISS MURDER MADE IN BETWEEN, YOU REALLY MISSED OUT...


END OF THE YEAR AND END OF BAD MOVIES (OKAY???)

Pffft... yeah, I wish. Miss Murder here to sign off for the year 2014 and all it's glory and tragedy. Aaaand a bit of a pause while she cleans up all the hot miso soup she's just spilled all over the table, her lap, and the floor. Huh. 

Somehow wrapping up the first degree burns and chasing after the cats who are trying to get away with pieces of seaweed makes her wanna laugh, so either she's completely lost her mind, or her sense of humor is just as warped as when this blog started.

As most of you probably noticed, the output of movie reviews has been lacking for the year 2014, but hopefully with a fresh year, and some good movies that have been promised to be released for early 2015 (pfft), that will change. But for those of you familiar with Miss Murder's... situation, you know that each day may bring a different movie or a different excuse, depending.

But to end the year, let's address a few things that keep popping up for a little clarification into Miss Murder's mind - the part that isn't soaking in Miso right now, anyway.

WHY HORROR FILMS? WHY NOT ALL FILMS? This question is asked a lot and the answer is always the same: Miss Murder would much rather laugh at a ridiculous slaughter scene that has massive technical faults, than sit like a stone through a movie where Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston (Just picking two names here - this is not a real movie.) bicker and whine at each other just to realize at the end that they can't live without each other, and you just spent $20 to watch it. 

Horror can be watched in the theater of course, but it's more fun on the computer screen, where bits and pieces can be picked out of the worst of the worst because in all the garbage, you can find nuggets of genius. Like this comment on all hand-held found footage films in the clip above - this almost put Miss Murder in the hospital - old people are more inclined to get hernias from this kind of thing you know...

And while Miss Murder's view of the supernatural is her own and not open to discussion (it's also not the point), again even in the worst horror movies, nuggets of truth and lots of comedy can be found. It's rare to find any legitimate social commentary in a rom-com or (ick) some comic book character movie where there are one, two or all the damned guys (and girls) in tights fighting. They're too busy making things blow up to really talk about anything anyway.

And science fiction? Please. To make it even remotely interesting anymore (and I'm talking movies, not TV series) they have to either infuse it with a lot of gore or a lot of laughs to get people interested in plopping down $20 or more (if it's 3D) to watch the dumb thing. Really. Did you really think it was worth the money to watch them completely deconstruct Star Trek so they could make a ton of money off the same characters while totally destroying what Gene Roddenberry created? Really?

So maybe horror laughs can be cheap and silly and the gore as real as... well, not real at all. Recently Miss Murder saw a movie where a guy's arm was "ripped off" and what was left... was clearly PVC pipe with a bit of red gunk spurting out of it. I swear, if the camera was any closer, you'd have seen a serial number on that pipe. THAT is why horror is funny, worth Miss Murder's time and, when she can, the energy to plop down a review or two.

This is just random - and funny...

So here's to a new year of hopefully ingenious and original ideas shot with steady cameras and not featuring children scared out of their wits or in danger of dying - then trying to keep other kids from watching those movies. Let's have real scares, not CGI splatter that doesn't quite hit the ground, body parts that look like they came out of a Wal Mart clearance bin, and directors that think that their shaky camera shots are totally different and better than other director's shaky camera shots...

Sorry, not keeping on topic today...

So take it easy everyone, hold your loved ones close because tragedy has taken a lot from others this year, hell, this MONTH, and remember, Miss Murder is just somebody who loves to bitch about movies. Your results may vary.

And now ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Con.... aw darn it, did that one last time. Here's Stewie and his European See and Say...

SHAZOO!!!

                        

END OF THE YEAR HORROR MOVIE REVIEW CLEARANCE... PART ONE: MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING AT ALL



Seinfeld

Seinfeld was a pretty funny TV series but I never watched it... wait a minute. No, no, no, that's not what I was going to review, dammit...

Don't Blink aka Last Stop (2014)

Okay, now we're... pretty screwed 'cause this movie was just awful. And I wanted to like it really, really badly because Zack Ward and Joanne Kelly were in it. Screw Brian Austin Greene - what was he famous for? Oh yeah, marrying Megan Fox. Hmm? He was in what series? Never saw it, sorry.

Soooo... (Starts to sing to the tune of The Brady Bunch - aren't you glad you can't hear it?) Here's the story... of ten rich douchebags... who are going to a mountain top resort... all of them have big issues... with each other... oh wait here's Zack Ward...

I'll spare you the rest of that song. How many readers did I lose with just that one paragraph? Hello? Wow.


Brief synopsis and a good reason NOT to watch this movie: Ten people arrive at a secluded mountain resort to find it completely deserted. With no gas for the return trip, the visitors are forced to stay and investigate the mystery surrounding the abandoned lodge. That's it. There ain't no more and if you're looking for logic or even an illogical damned answer you ain't gonna find one here.

I passed this movie over a dozen times until the name Zack Ward got my attention (one of my fave character actors) and then I saw Joanne Kelly. Mena Suvari gets top billing but I had no idea who she was, sorry. About the only thing I think I've seen her in was her brief role as Elizabeth Short (The Black Dahlia) in the first season of American Horror Story: Murder House. Meh.

And what happened to the benefits of satellite TV? They used to be so cool. When we first got DirecTV it was Chiller, SyFy, and Fuse - which actually played MUSIC VIDEOS. REALLY. MUSIC CAME OUT OF THAT CHANNEL, I SAW IT.

Now? Meh. Chiller is the home of serials played over and over (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Ripley's Believe It Or Not, etc. ad nauseam) and a movie everyone's seen at least a dozen times on Friday nights. Fuse... no music. Lots of people screaming at each other, but no music. SyFy? Original programming... sharks flying in the air, through the snow, underground... hey, anywhere there is on God's green earth, Syfy can stick a shark there. They use to have great stuff - Sanctuary, Warehouse 13, Haven. 


Those great shows were inventive. Buuut, you show something for too long and you see patterns. Sanctuary (with cool actors like Robin Dunne and Ryan Robbins) was a great premise with the neat idea of having almost all their sets green screened to keep costs (and waste) low. A Canadian import, it was still pretty cool until you got the weekly message: A 'subhuman' (one whose genes were changed by some splicing) gets into trouble, the Sanctuary team (who houses those with nowhere to go) tries to rescue them, they get into awful trouble and are about to die but tada! 

Dr. Helen Magnus (who's over 100 years old - give me some of that!) would find a solution with her team and all would reset for the next week. Oh, and we got to see the many talents (and characters) of Christopher Heyerdahl too - he got to play a monster (so to speak) in several guises.


Haven was formed after Stephen King's novel The Colorado Kid - it was the basic love triangle - a blonde comes to Maine thinking she's an FBI agent, kind of falls in love with two different kind of guys, and finds out she's not who she thinks she is - in fact, she doesn't know who she is at all. I loved this show but again, patterns - each week the three would find a different 'trouble' (the name they gave for people with special abilities that almost invariably screwed things up), the two different guys would hate/like each other and vie for the girl and we reset for the next week. 

They tried to keep a storyline going but that gets kind of tough when you're spreading a novel over seasons worth of episodes. Again, it was a Canadian import (Maine is close enough, right?) but we got to watch Eric Balfour and that was good enough for me.


Warehouse 13. Ah, there was a super cool series (supposedly in South Dakota but actually another series from Canada).. until, you know. A super-secret government place that bends space (the outside is a regular warehouse, the inside is like a city) and two agents are picked to go out and find 'objects' that do special things (usually those that belonged to famous people) and bring them to the safety of the warehouse. Aaaand the pattern was set. I still loved that show - we had CCH Pounder, Saul Rubinek, Eddie McClintock, and the know-it-all Myka played by Joanne Kelly. 

Now what was my point? Did I have... oh yeah, Joanne. She was sexy AND smart and played off her fellow characters very well so since this movie was obviously a 'gather 'em up and waste 'em one by one' movie I passed UNTIL I saw that name. Oh and Zack too. And despite the two of them being Canadian (actually Joanne just lives in Canada), the film was actually shot in New Mexico.

I looked up Don't Blink and got hit with a billion Doctor Who references - sorry kids, never watched the thing (love David Tennant though) so I don't know what that's about, but the other title for this movie is Last Stop - which is the name of another movie made in 2000 with Rose McGowan and Jurgen Prochnow so I guess they were kind of stuck one way or another...

I tried to wiki Don't Blink and got some damned country song so... screw it. This is what happens...

We have ten people, supposedly friends, going to a mountain retreat. It is so far up that you have to gas up just to make it there. Your tank's empty when you get there, so the retreat has its own gas station. 'Kay. They chug and hope to make it to the resort. Hmm, ten people, I'm already thinking Agatha Christie but not near as smart...


These ten people are the kind of friends that you know that a couple of them really know each other and the rest are just kind of tagging along. When they all arrive they can't find anyone in the ridiculously resplendent lodge - no one is at the desk, the tables all have food on them but no one is eating and clothes and makeup are in the rooms but again, no people.

So following movie logic, even though nobody has cell service, they decide to split up and find out if anyone's out there somewhere. Because people aren't going to start disappearing unless they do movie duh stuff so here we go... who goes first? 

One finds that although the food is cold, the stove was left on. Inside the cabinet under the sink is a scrawled 'help me' which he doesn't see - which makes what kind of sense? Why would someone put it there - the cabinet is under the freaking sink and was full so it's not like anyone was hiding under there. But if that kind of duh is going to put you off you might as well stop watching...

The cabins (which are five times the size as the house I live in) have stuff but no people. The Zack and Joanne (Why do they always make this beautiful woman look like a train wreck?) characters go for a hike to find something, anything. While it's too hot at the lodge, the nearby lake has frozen solid, fast enough to trap a small boat (no one in it) and there isn't an animal, bird, or insect anywhere around.

Grouping back together, Brian Austin Green's girlfriend just vanishes while the group's talking (I think it's the Mena woman but I just don't care). They take off to look for her, a guy vanishes. They decide (massive duh) to be in one room at the lodge where they can watch each other.

Now you see her...

After a few more disappearances, two take off in a car but get only to the end of the driveway before the driver disappears, the passenger now a mumbling wreck. They also find that the temperature has dropped 50 degrees within hours, meaning the too-hot weather at the lodge has now turned to a lodge covered in snow. And they now know they were never going to leave.

...now you don't.

They're down to three when there's a knock on the door - it's the first guy to have disappeared. He claims to have fallen in a ditch and doesn't remember what happened. Now we're up to four but down to ten minutes. But Zack's character isn't taking any chances...

Person after person disappears and we're eager for them all to leave 'cause then the movie's over, right? We are down to Joanne Kelly and Brian Austin Green who are staring at themselves in a mirror in the dark with candles. The effect of Brian "disappearing" kind of gets spoiled since he is clearly just falling backward into the dark - double duh.


Tons of emergency vehicles (and two men in black, one being a 15 second role by Robert Picard) show up to do a 'quick sweep' of the place as Joanne, sole survivor (and mad as hell at her agent I bet) is given the magic blanket (see my horror movie worksheet - whoops, sorry, haven't printed that out yet) and put in the back of a police car. They hustle around until...

Joanne covers her eyes and thinks about what Zack said, 'Anything we do or are gets erased.'



A sudden silence surrounds her. She looks up - tons of emergency vehicles, not a single person around...

Let's hope this was world-wide or else they're gonna try for some sort of sequel - The Douchebags Come Back.



                        

END OF THE YEAR HORROR MOVIE REVIEW CLEARANCE... NOW WITH MORE VIDEOS!

Miss Murder Gets Smarter As Movies Get Dumber

Well my loyal friends, another year is getting ready to bite the dust. I thought back on this year, realizing I'd done a whole lot less reviewing - and a whole lot more jabbering about the movies I managed to do. BUT 2014 was good as far as Miss Murder learning new things - there are now better pictures ('cause Miss Murder picks most out herself, instead of using Google pictures) and YES, she can make videos! She hasn't learned how to make video compilations, which would be fun, but some of the videos are pretty freaking funny...

Yes I'm still on planet Earth and yes I will continue to do movie reviews - in fact, I thought I'd go through a bunch of movies that I'd seen that really don't deserve a review or even much of a mention - maybe a joke or two, but that's about it.

I doubt they even knew what this meant...

And 'cause of the health issues I've pared my electronic presence even further - I'd already dumped my Facebook horror page, and cleared out my Timeline, but I had kept up with putting ads on my Timeline for my, ahem, 'friends' to see and to read my stuff. The only time I think they ever got attention was if I said something another person thought was funny (one in a hundred maybe), or if I included 'Wado' in the ad poster (Cherokee for 'thank you') and the one person who knew Cherokee happened to see it (again, maybe one in a hundred). 

So... no one cared or looked at it or probably even got it since I didn't pay the required minimum $5 per day for it to be on their pages. I've only got 31 followers on my Google + page, but freaking hell, I've spent exactly ZERO dollars and I've gotten almost 2.5 MILLION views of my page. So pucker up and KISS MY ASS Zuckerberg!

I changed my Facebook personal icon to a stick figure I drew on MS Paint and within an hour I got a complaint in my private message box: Get rid of the stick figure and put Rob back in there (my icon is Rob Mayes in case you wondered) "because you're ugly".

I dumped that person immediately and continued with cleaning out the stupid account, when again within minutes I got a friend request from the same person and an IM asking "Whaaaaat? Why did you dump me, what did I do?" I said 'don't call me ugly'. She professed she didn't really know what she was saying because she's Spanish and she just thought Rob Mayes was beautiful. Uh huh. That's the most attention I've received from anyone all year. And I don't even freaking know her.

How many supposed friends, acquaintances or relatives have shown any support or contacted me, good or bad? NADA. NUNCA. ไม่. NUL. никто. KEINER.

Facebook is a waste of time. If you want a news stream that's all on one page, that's about all it's good for.

So hopefully we'll have more good stuff on this blog, I'm hoping to learn more about drawing (I DO have decent programs, both for anime' and the program Poser 10 - I'm confused but trying) and I also hope to learn more about combining videos and hey, maybe even start my own YouTube channel to add to the billions of other boring people who insist of sharing their opinions about stuff - but until then... Ladies And Gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty...

                        

MISS MURDER ATTEMPTS SHORT HORROR FICTION

BOBBING FINGERS

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It had all been planned out, down to the last detail. At least that was how she had imagined it, but truth to tell nothing had worked at all. She was supposed to leave early in the morning, but the sickness had her and with every step she took, a dizziness threatened to make her pass out on the floor. It wasn't until afternoon when she got the note, the gun, and put clothes on.

That wasn't as planned either - she had had an elaborate note of explanation, accusation, condemnation, and vilification planned but putting words to paper proved to be as impotent as she was and she ended up wadding the damned thing up and throwing it away. If they found it, let them try to read it - her handwriting was mostly indecipherable scribbling anymore anyway.

Putting on clothes for the first time in months (she lived in her pajamas), she discovered nothing fit anymore, and had to dig for the largest clothes she could find just to have something to wear. Her shoes didn't even fit anymore, so she kept her slippers on.

The gun was small but would do the job - the ammo the gun dealer had delivered to her with her new pistol was more than adequate. She had never fired this one before, but imagined it couldn't be too hard, especially since she planned to keep it steady with her teeth. All that was left was to walk to the river.

It was the perfect time of year. The recent rains had swollen the waters and the swift current would take her carcass far away, or at least she hoped. It was also past the tourist season, so the river wouldn't be clogged with people who had so much money they could afford to live in this small town for months and just play in the water. The last song that followed her there on her MP3 player seemed to echo over the whole world:

Back and forth, I sway with the wind

Resolution slips away again

Right through my fingers, back into my heart

Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark

Sometimes I think I'm blind

Or I may be just paralyzed

Because the plot thickens every day

And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away

But I know, there's a picture beneath

Indecision clouds my vision

No one listens...

Because I'm somewhere in between

My love and my agony

You see, I'm somewhere in between

My life is falling to pieces

Somebody put me together

Layin' face down on the ground

My fingers in my ears to block the sound

My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight

Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight

Droplets of "yes" and "no"

In an ocean of "maybe"

From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline

From the top, another downhill slope of mine

But I know, the equilibrium's there

Indecision clouds my vision

No one listens

Because I'm somewhere in between

My love and my agony

You see, I'm somewhere in between

My life is falling to pieces

Somebody put me together

- Falling To Pieces, Faith No More

She was alone and no one noticed her lumbering away as she traveled the path to the river. She was cold already - the winds blew hard here and made whitecaps on the waves. Once on the tiny bit of beach at the edge, she looked around first to confirm she was alone. Slowly she peeled her clothes off, putting them deep in the bushes where no one would look, hopefully for a few weeks at least.

One step into the water almost made her stop the whole thing right then and there. The frigid water sent shock waves from her toes all the way up the back of her neck...

She was only in just over her ankles when she heard the sharp report and felt a horrible pain in her right hand. The shock of the cold plus a spasm in her left hand had caused her to pull her finger on the trigger. She discovered she had shot off three fingers of her right hand. She plunged her hand into the water which was excruciating, then numbing. She didn't really care anyway.

The noise of the shot had been a lot louder than she had realized, however. Looking around to see if anyone was coming, she was relieved to see that the traffic of the nearby highway filled with people going on with actual lives to look forward to had made enough noise to drown out the sound.

She only made it waist deep before she realized she could go no further - the cold hurt worse than the remaining part of her hand. There was a sharp drop-off somewhere close, she was counting on that. The rock she had somehow managed to rope to her ankle wasn't large, but should be enough to keep her under water until the current grabbed her body and took it away. She had seen enough pictures of unsuccessful attempts of people who had only managed to mutilate themselves but lived to know if she screwed up the shot, at least she would drown.

The metal of the gun tasted awful, but she was past caring. The song in her ears ended as did her life as she pulled the trigger a second time.

She was unable to, but her three dismembered digits floated down the river and waved goodbye to the world for her.

                        

YET ANOTHER FREAKING NIGHTMARE HORROR MOVIE STARRING A CHILD THAT NO CHILD SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED TO SEE...





The Babadook (2014) Australia

After already getting complaints about my ripping on the popular movie Oculus, I decided I might as well go after another movie that I've heard so much about this year, I was incredibly sick and tired of it and I hadn't even seen it yet.

The Babadook is a variation of the boogeyman - at least in this movie. I think everyone's aware of that. However if you want to see an above average, sometimes puzzling, actually pretty neat little piece of cinema (without your children please, unless you like them jumping into bed with you screaming they've had nightmares), I suggest you stop reading right now. If you must continue:


SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

The setup: Amelia is tired. Very, very tired. When she was being driven by her husband to the hospital to have her baby, they were in an accident and he was killed. She was fine and the baby was born...

Almost seven years later, Amelia is very VERY tired. Her child, Samuel (Noah Wiseman), is - hmm, let's put this in nice terms. He is a high maintenance child. He makes weapons like a small Daryl Dixon and insists on carrying them constantly. He gets kicked out of the first grade for sneaking one of his weapons (a small homemade crossbow that shoots darts) with him to school. He wants to be a magician and insists his mother helps him with costumes and magic tricks.


And he's scared of monsters. Every night not only does he demand a story, but a thorough search of his room for monsters. Night after night after night...

Amelia is VERY tired. Played by the beautiful Essie Davis, she is all but unrecognizable in this movie as the toll of trying to raise her son alone (she still wears her wedding ring and doesn't date) along with a full time job at a care center is making her older by the hour. Did I mention he was high maintenance? Oh and she has a toothache. That comes into play later...

He's also very, very annoying. He screams more than he talks and if I were his mother... let's just say that Noah Wiseman should get an Oscar for his performance in this film. If his character had been my kid, when he pitched a fit in the car screaming and kicking the seat, I probably would have stopped the car, kicked him to the curb and drove off...


Just kidding of course. Maybe. Which is why I have no children. One night, Sam insists on picking the book for his mom to read before bed. It is a pop-up book called Mister Babadook. I must admit that when I first heard the name, I thought it sounded like a toddler trying to tell you they've filled their diaper. The story goes as follows (if you think this is really cool you can buy the book but don't expect your kid to sleep without the lights on until he/she leaves for college):

If it's in a word or if it's in a look
You can't get rid of the Babadook.
If you're really a clever one
And you know what it is to see
Then you can make friends with a special one,
A friend of you and me.
His name is Mr. Babadook
And this is his book.
(RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE)
A rumbling sound then 3 sharp knocks
ba BA-ba DOOK! DOOK! DOOK!
That's when you'll know that he's around
You'll see him if you look.
This is what he wears on top.
He's funny, don't you think?
See him in your room at night
And you won't sleep a wink.
(LET ME IN!)
I'll soon take off my funny disguise
(take heed of what you've read...)
And once you've seen what's underneath...
YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE DEAD.


After reading it to him, Sam completely freaks (just repeat duh a couple dozen times) and insists on sleeping with her. In his sleep he kicks her, pulls her hair and generally makes her miserable. Amelia is very VERY tired.

I peed myself more than usual trying to read this through without laughing so hard. I want to know who wrote this little ditty so I can shake his hand (I'll wash first)...


Samuel is such a brat he tries to scare everyone, telling them his dad died the day he was born, breaking the nose of a little girl when she won't believe there is a Babadook, and just being totally out of control. His mother can't even have a little, umm, personal time without him running in. Finally she's had enough after he trashes his room and takes the book and rips it up, throwing it out in the garbage.

Sooo of course the natural progression is that she starts to hear strange sounds at night. Great. She finds broken glass in her soup and is so defeated by it all that she simply tells Sam to go watch TV - even as he insists that The Babadook did it... And Sam isn't going to let up on her either:

"I HATE YOU! YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY AND YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE A DAD!"  This was his punishment for screaming at everyone and talking nonstop about the Babadook - oh yeah, and breaking a little girl's nose in two places. 


FINALLY he gets so worked up he convulses, so the doctor gives her sleeping pills for the kid. To hell with the kid, what about her? I have to say I love the way they show her getting some sleep - the shot shows her floating in the air softly to her bed. Really wish I could do that. In the morning someone knocks on the door. Hard. The book is, of course, sitting on the doorstep.

It has been pieced together and more words have been added and looking closely I found a continuity error - it's small but it's so stupid that they couldn't take an extra second to... well, anyway:

Notice how the words are arranged...

I'll WAGER with YOU,
I'LL MAKE you a BET.
ThE MORE you DENY the
STRONGER I GET

The word 'the' has just been ripped and moved. L-A-Z-Y!

The second time the camera pans across the words, the last line now says 'the STRONGER I GET' - a word has been moved from the third line to the fourth. In fact, the paper obviously has been ripped to move the word down.

The next page is The Babadook over HER bed with the words LET ME IN! The next page shows a pop-up of her standing with him towering over her from behind.

You start to CHANGE when I get in.
the BABADOOK growing right UNDER YOUR SKIN
Oh COME! Come SEE what's UNDERNEATH!

The next pop-up is the same except now she's strangling the family dog. As she looks, the dog's head falls over. So of course the NEXT pop-up shows the same except now she's strangling her son (YESSSSS!!!!!). As she watches the paper twists back and forth. The final pop-up shows her with a knife, slitting her own throat and red blood flows.

This time, because she has learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, she puts the book on the barbie, covers it in gasoline and sets it on fire. Next come the phone calls, then the cockroaches...  Ho freaking hum. We're 41 minutes into the movie and all I've learned is that I'm rooting for a made-up boogeyman instead of worrying about this pitiful family.

Forty seven irritating minutes in, things finally get interesting. The kid is drugged to sleep, but mom isn't so she gets to see and hear a freak show that would frighten just about anybody. I was even creeped out. It's loud, it's an all-black figure, it crawls everywhere - even on the ceiling. Now HERE is the nightmare I was looking for. Watch only if you wanna:

Now it's mommy's turn to do all the screaming. She yells at the boy when all he wants is food. All she sees is TV programs with monsters in them - over and over. Her jaw is hurting even worse from the toothache, and while driving she thinks she sees something black and ends up in a minor accident.

I did find it interesting that when she turned stern (before she went total full-on psycho) the boy started behaving and stopped his yelling and temper tantrums. Hmmm... Of course once she totally flipped he tried to call for help and he had to hide with his homemade weapons while she went around locking everything so 'nothing could get in' although by now we know that she wants nothing to get out. She also makes him take his sleeping pills although they make him sick.

Totally at the head-twisting (the dog, or at least a stuffed one anyway) stage, she then pulls out one of her teeth - apparently the one that's been bugging her since the movie started. She's now a full-on evil spirit - she floats, screeches, and kind of sounds like Jessica Lange (sorry Jessica) - and now Sam's the hero and she's the enemy.


For a bit it turns into a nasty game of 'Home Alone' as the kid uses his homemade weapons, the kitchen knife, and a rope he strung on the basement steps to pull tight when she comes after him to trip her. If the tension wasn't so high, this would be funny. He manages to knock her out.

She comes to in the basement, tied up. But he's a seven year old and so she gets her hands free and starts to strangle him. After he tells her he loves her (with his neck being squeezed?) she lets go.


She turns over and vomits a bunch of black stuff. The boy then helps the wounded, icky and tired mother up the stairs. But at the next staircase he tells her you can't get rid of the Babadook and something invisible pulls him up the stairs.


She runs to save her son and gets in a yelling match with The Babadook and it gets irritating really fast - then we see effects that seem really cool but we don't see anything of him, except that he screeches and runs into the basement. Sigh. And the movie is not over yet.

It's the day of the boy's birthday party and they're apparently keeping and feeding the blasted thing in the basement worms. They're actually being nice to it and it seems to be at home in the dark of their house. Aaaaand that's the end. Sam and his mother celebrate his birthday by themselves, and they hug and are... happy? Really?

Actually although at first I felt kind of let down by this meh ending, I was at least not disappointed completely with it - it wasn't good, bad, or predictable... just really, really weird. And I think it fits.

Update: 4/18/15 - I watched this movie again on Netflix and think I have a theory of the weird ending that seemed off the first time. Of course because of all the screaming I watched a lot of it with the sound down or off (bless the CC) but I think why she allowed it to stay in their basement is first, she was briefly possessed by it and maybe understands what it needs - and it understands that to have a 'home' it has to behave. Also, now that Sam has seen a real monster that is not going to 'get' him (rats) he has calmed down and maybe a real life can begin for the both of them. Just a theory.



                        

LOOKING THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY... STILL ISN'T GOING TO HELP...

Oculus (2014)

1 Corinthians 13:12 (Reference Bible) For at present we see in hazy outline by means of a metal mirror, but then it will be face to face. At present I know partially, but then I shall know accurately even as I am accurately known.  (King James Version) For now we see through a glass, darkly...

I actually had most of this review done a couple of months ago but those of you who have read even a few of my reviews won't be a bit surprised that I got sick, my mind got lost, and the notes... are somewhere in the universe, just not on my blog. Nuts. That meant I had to watch this mind fu... umm this mind twisting tale again and try my best to comprehend what the hell was going on.


Thennnn... well, just read the above paragraph again and you'll get a pretty good idea why it's clear in freaking December and I'm just now getting this out.

Hey but considering they shot this back in 2012 in Mobile, Alabama of all places, then didn't get it out until 2013 (in Toronto) and didn't even hit an American theater until April of this year, it looks like I'm not the only slacker here.

If you want an in-depth understanding, two or three viewings may be necessary. This isn't as bad as you might think, as overall I believe the movie was well done. In other words, they left it in the oven WAAAAAAY too long. It was a confusing mish mash of past and present events, most taking place on screen simultaneously. Plus, quick lesson movie making guys - an oculus means 'eye' in Latin although it can be a round opening or a circular window. You guys weren't even trying, were you?

Remember me telling you about Insidious 1 and 2 coming out two years apart was really stupid because there were questions in the first that were answered in the second but in two years who remembers the questions? You don't? Pffft... go to the back of the class and study a little harder kiddo. Anywho, here instead of having story one with the kids, then two years later the story of the kids as adults, they mish-mashed both together. Fun.

I honestly have no idea why it was rated 'R' either, and that's after ranting that no horror movie should be PG-13. This is yet another 'R' rated movie featuring kids that kids should NOT see. Not unless you want to invest in a freaking truckload of night lights and having your kids jump into bed with you at every night sound. And that's not including night terrors either. It's an interesting choice by the WWE Studios though. So far we've seen them doing slasher films (including the anticipated See No Evil 2 with Kane and the impressive Soska sisters) so this is a bit of a gamble for them.

My first viewing's impression found this to be a good film overall - the actors were solid and convincing (especially the small kids), the directing was good, suspense, story progression - all that stuff that REAL movie reviewers wet themselves over were basically here. But I am NOT one of those reviewers. So let me tell you why this movie not only wasn't very original, it wasn't very good, either. Oh and if you haven't seen it and you wanna, I've learned I have to say SPOILERS so...

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

This, of course, has to do with the mystical take of mirrors. It's not new, it's not original, and it's not limited to any one people, religion, time, or belief. Ever since man figured out how to look at himself without getting wet (from looking at the water people, not... never mind) there have been superstitions, beliefs, and paranormal views of mirrors. The movie is rather simple when you look at it - it's the history that's more interesting. And so:


A bad, bad mirror does bad, bad things to one family... it leaves 10 year old Tim (Brenton Thwaites in adult form, Garrett Ryan as his younger self) in a mental facility until he turns 21. His older sister Kaylie (Karen Gillan in adult form, Annalise Basso as her younger self) apparently spent her growing up time plotting revenge. Her preparations are impressive, she'd done the research and thinks she has every possible outcome planned out and carefully controlled so she and her newly-released brother can do what they planned - kill it with a "kill switch" - an anchor weighted to the ceiling and set to a timer.

Thankfully they didn't try to make this 'based on a true story' so the history is bogus but entertaining:

A rather ugly looking antique (my words), the 400 year-old Lasser Glass is supposedly home to an observable, predictable supernatural force. That's a nice, college graduate way of saying the freaking mirror is haunted. It has 'killed' at least 45 people (no, they don't say how many dogs and plants). Since she blurs past this history and I wanted to know who the hell Marisol was (the woman who 'seduced' their dad) I took it step by step:

The trail starts in London in 1754. Philip Lasser, the 17th Earl of Leicester, was the first recorded owner. He hung the mirror over his fireplace. He was found in that fireplace burned beyond recognition. One of the stewards claimed to have seen Philip reflected in the mirror which prompted the Church of England to investigate the house. Was anything done? Pfft...

In 1758 it is sold in public auction and then to an American railroad tycoon, Robert Clancy, in 1864. Clancy weighed over 300 pounds. He was called the South Windham Whale. After hanging the mirror he is seen less than a year later, thin as a, to pardon the pun, rail. He died a few weeks later.


The mirror was thought to have been destroyed but pops up in 1904 in New England belonging to Mary O'Connor. She hung the mirror in her bathroom and was found dead two weeks later in a bathtub full of water. Cause of death? Dehydration.

Then Alice Carden in Lake Geneva Wisconsin in 1943. Soon after she got it neighbors reported screams and loud noises coming from the house. Alice's two children were found drowned in a locked cistern. Alice was in the nursery, systematically smashing her own bones with a hammer. She thought she was tucking her children into bed. The family also kept several dogs at the farm but none of them were ever found.

Then Tobin Capp, 1955. Starved to death in his own bedroom - where the mirror was placed. He had a pet Dalmation, also never found (apparently all kitties are safe).


California, 1965. The mirror now belongs and hangs in the San Diego Hill Trust Bank lobby. Marcia Wicker, a teller for ten years, locks her manager in the bank vault and then chews through a live power line (my fave pic but I'm twisted that way).

The only person who really tried to destroy the mirror was Oliver Jeffries in 1971. He was a teacher at Manhattan's Duhame Academy. The mirror hung in the central lecture hall. He ran at it with a fireplace poker one morning, shouting about how it needed to be destroyed. He stopped at the mirror and stood quietly looking at it for almost a minute before walking out of the hall and into traffic.

1975 Marisol Chavez (Aha! Paydirt!) dies in her bedroom (where the mirror hung) of hemorrhaging due to a miscarriage. In her nightstand, they find every single one of her teeth in a little plastic bag and a pair of bloody pliers. Ohhhh, now the tooth fairy's involved, huh? I get it... no, wait. I don't get it at all... and nasty as she looked, how the hell did she manage to 'seduce' the dad... yikes.

And finally, 2002. Alan and Marie Russell (played but not given enough screen time by Rory Cochrane and Katee Sackoff, respectively) purchase the mirror and it hangs in the home office of Alan who has started a new business designing software. It takes only two weeks for the mother to suffer an intense psychological breakdown and is tortured and murdered by her husband (according to police reports, Kaylie doesn't agree). 


Afterward the father is shot and killed by Tim, which lands him in psychiatric care until his 21st birthday. Oh yeah, their dog disappears too.

So the day he gets out, his sister bombards him with her plans for the mirror's 'demise'. Nice sis, the guy has been steeped in psychiatric bullshit for eleven years, and you hammer him with paranormal mirrors the second he gets to the parking lot. But for him to get to see the world would take too much time so...

We get a slightly different, but familiar 'paranormal' activity set up of equipment - computers, cameras, timers, etc. In addition, because this thing apparently 'feeds' Kaylie has also set up house plants all through the place, as well as a dog in a cage in the same room as the mirror. This dog is only there as a type of, umm, offering (don't worry animal lovers, nothing bad happens to him). But it's said that supposedly being outside the 'dead plant' zone is the only safe place from the mirror.

The brother, fresh out of the hospital and totally brainwashed into thinking he and his sister made the whole thing up (isn't psychiatry wonderful?) is bemused, then concerned, then outright frightened - of his sister. He doesn't believe a single thing about what she's saying. However he is finding that there are disturbing memories, ones he had buried deep down that are playing out in front of him (confusing if you don't pay attention) but this he attributes to trauma, nothing else.

Until. The turning point of the movie from lets-get-this-show-on-the-road into the good stuff: He and his sister, in the room with all the cameras and the mirror, leave the room and have an all out argument. They return to the room and find that the two cameras are now facing each other, lenses touching. A review of the computer records show that they did NOT leave the room, but stood there yelling at each other while moving the cameras themselves. Now, the big question: Did THEY actually do that, only thinking they left the room, or did the 'spirits' in the mirror do it, and mess with the records to make it show only what they wanted it to?

And why do we only see (at first, more later) a woman named Marisol Chavez? Why is she the 'leader' so to speak, the primary 'spirit' in the mirror that draws the father in? That was never explained and I don't think it ever will even if they try any kind of sequel. Please God don't let that happen.

How does it end? Badly and with a whimper. Bleh.

"I've met my demons, and they are many. I've seen the devil and he is me." - Alan Russell







So what the hell is my problem with this movie?

Okay, put aside the slick camera work and the great actors and you've got the story. And... it's... just awful. I mean the concept of mirrors either trapping or holding evil is extremely old and world-wide. And the 'traditions' associated with mirrors and death are just as old. I personally have heard theories that say mirrors are covered and windows opened because recently departed spirits get confused and can't leave the house unless all the reflective surfaces are covered. Or was that the rule for flies?

Panic! At The Disco's 'Ballad Of Mona Lisa' shows an old-time western funeral and the 'rules' attached. Don't know where they got all of them or whether they just made them up but at 1:14 into the video it states that "Rule Number 3: Stop all clocks and cover all mirrors.

Covering the mirrors after a death can be found in many religions, including Judaism. It has been a time-honored tradition to cover the mirrors in the shiva home from the moment of death to the end of shiva.

A variety of reasons have been advanced for the custom of covering the mirrors:

Judaism has always taught that man was created in the image of God and that he derives, from that resemblance, his dignity and his value. The dignity of man is the reflection of his Creator and, therefore, the image of the Creator Himself shrinks with the death of His creatures. At the time of the destruction of the image of God, represented by man, the mirror-which serves to reflect man's 'image' ought not be used.

There are several more pages along this line but I'll take pity on you and stop it here.

I think this is a Def Leppard
album cover as well...

If a lot of this also reminds you of an Irish Catholic wake, you're not wrong. As I said, it transcends a lot of religions and peoples and traditions.

And movies. Lots and lots of movies. Do you know how many horror movies are about mirrors? If you knew, you'd instantly realize that Oculus, though having its tricks that it puts good actors through, is nothing but a cracked mirror and a ho-hum story that everyone has seen before.