Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

END OF THE YEAR HORROR MOVIE REVIEW CLEARANCE... PART ONE BILLION - IF YOU DIDN'T READ ALL THE ENTRIES MISS MURDER MADE IN BETWEEN, YOU REALLY MISSED OUT...


END OF THE YEAR AND END OF BAD MOVIES (OKAY???)


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Pffft... yeah, I wish. Miss Murder here to sign off for the year 2014 and all it's glory and tragedy. Aaaand a bit of a pause while she cleans up all the hot miso soup she's just spilled all over the table, her lap, and the floor. Huh. 

Somehow wrapping up the first degree burns and chasing after the cats who are trying to get away with pieces of seaweed makes her wanna laugh, so either she's completely lost her mind, or her sense of humor is just as warped as when this blog started.


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As most of you probably noticed, the output of movie reviews has been lacking for the year 2014, but hopefully with a fresh year, and some good movies that have been promised to be released for early 2015 (pfft), that will change. But for those of you familiar with Miss Murder's... situation, you know that each day may bring a different movie or a different excuse, depending.

But to end the year, let's address a few things that keep popping up for a little clarification into Miss Murder's mind - the part that isn't soaking in Miso right now, anyway.


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WHY HORROR FILMS? WHY NOT ALL FILMS? This question is asked a lot and the answer is always the same: Miss Murder would much rather laugh at a ridiculous slaughter scene that has massive technical faults, than sit like a stone through a movie where Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston (Just picking two names here - this is not a real movie.) bicker and whine at each other just to realize at the end that they can't live without each other, and you just spent $20 to watch it. 


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Horror can be watched in the theater of course, but it's more fun on the computer screen, where bits and pieces can be picked out of the worst of the worst because in all the garbage, you can find nuggets of genius. Like this comment on all hand-held found footage films in the clip above - this almost put Miss Murder in the hospital - old people are more inclined to get hernias from this kind of thing you know...




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And while Miss Murder's view of the supernatural is her own and not open to discussion (it's also not the point), again even in the worst horror movies, nuggets of truth and lots of comedy can be found. It's rare to find any legitimate social commentary in a rom-com or (ick) some comic book character movie where there are one, two or all the damned guys (and girls) in tights fighting. They're too busy making things blow up to really talk about anything anyway.

And science fiction? Please. To make it even remotely interesting anymore (and I'm talking movies, not TV series) they have to either infuse it with a lot of gore or a lot of laughs to get people interested in plopping down $20 or more (if it's 3D) to watch the dumb thing. Really. Did you really think it was worth the money to watch them completely deconstruct Star Trek so they could make a ton of money off the same characters while totally destroying what Gene Roddenberry created? Really?



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So maybe horror laughs can be cheap and silly and the gore as real as... well, not real at all. Recently Miss Murder saw a movie where a guy's arm was "ripped off" and what was left... was clearly PVC pipe with a bit of red gunk spurting out of it. I swear, if the camera was any closer, you'd have seen a serial number on that pipe. THAT is why horror is funny, worth Miss Murder's time and, when she can, the energy to plop down a review or two.


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This is just random - and funny...

So here's to a new year of hopefully ingenious and original ideas shot with steady cameras and not featuring children scared out of their wits or in danger of dying - then trying to keep other kids from watching those movies. Let's have real scares, not CGI splatter that doesn't quite hit the ground, body parts that look like they came out of a Wal Mart clearance bin, and directors that think that their shaky camera shots are totally different and better than other director's shaky camera shots...


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Sorry, not keeping on topic today...

So take it easy everyone, hold your loved ones close because tragedy has taken a lot from others this year, hell, this MONTH, and remember, Miss Murder is just somebody who loves to bitch about movies. Your results may vary.

And now ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Con.... aw darn it, did that one last time. Here's Stewie and his European See and Say...



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SHAZOO!!!