I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?" 


The Rage (2007)

Usually if the plot of a movie sounds even remotely zombie-related, I'm gonna watch it, whether it looks cruddy or not. This was NOT a not. In other words, not only was it really not a zombie movie, it was total crap. You start with a Russian scientist experimenting on a man and his wife. The movie opens with her strapped to a table, half her face gone, and screaming like a banshee. After she finally dies (he says her heart exploded) the husband is next.

A little back story. Very little, because this sucked harder than an Electrolux. I mean you look at the Wiki page and it describes it in three sentences, if that. Viktor Vasilienko loses both his parents when he's a kid to cancer. Somehow although he lives in Russia and is now an orphan, he gets a primo education, and becomes a genius doctor/scientist. He even performs a miracle - he finds the cure for cancer. But the wall falls, Russia becomes unstable (They weren't before?) and all his research and work is stolen from him. As it is sold to various nations (read the USA gets most of the blame) they decide they'd make more money treating cancer than curing it. That is the only part of the movie that was plausible in the slightest. The rest... <sigh>...

As a type of revenge he decides to create a virus (how original) that will infect the world with first irregular and uncontrollable bone growth, then they slobber a lot, and finally become so filled with rage they want to eat people. I guess. The husband mentioned above manages to escape because rage makes you soooo powerful, right? But he doesn't live long and dies in the forest. Take heart though, there are a bunch of vultures on the way (oh yes, it's going to get just that bad).

The most realistic characters in this movie.

Flip to a rave with the group Mushroomhead playing (that's a real group BTW) and we get our five young people we instantly hate. They're doing drugs and drinking and group sex, you know, all the normal things. They brought a Winnebago to this rave so they're sinning in style. They leave, after we see that several more people become victim to the now badly puppeted mutated vultures, and being smart young people take a back road (Best line number one: "I've seen 100 shitty horror movies start out this way." Guess what folks, now it's 101.). And the vultures attack.

Why vultures? Why not pigeons?

We don't care but unfortunately only one dies although they do manage to blow up the 'bago so they have to foot it through the forest. The vultures screech so loud they're like banshees. And their babies are the size of German Shepherds. They had time to have babies already? I thought they just mutated a couple hours ago... dammit, sorry, there's that logic in my head working overtime.

Gimme a kiss...

Blah blah one dies, blah blah another dies and two are left, having found the infamous Viktor's lab (Why didn't they just call him Frankenstein?). Viktor, despite having 'died' is still there, but mutated badly - a 'cure' he created to 'sell' to the nations if they met his price is the only thing keeping him with a little brain power. But even he realizes that since animals can catch this thing too (I didn't mention the giant leeches, oh well) that the whole world was going to die and who the hell cares. But he still wants an Eve to his Adam because if they mutate but keep thinking human, they can rule the world (bwahahaha.... evil laugh). 

Never bring bath salts to a rave.

The remaining two fight them off, find an escape route, the place is set on fire, and one of the mutants is some strange transvestite midget (please don't ask) which lead us to best line number two: As the woman is beating the thing over the head she says, "Die you f'ing evil oompa loompa!" Sorry, that's as good as it got. Yes the place blows up, yes all the monsters inside that Viktor's been playing with dies and the two get away.... ohhhh yeah, the vultures..... CHOMP. The end.