A married fellow, wanting an open marriage but not getting permission for one, decides to try to boink every woman in town. He's not subtle about it either... and seems to go mainly for the married women. Married women with children. That's important because I guess then it would match the movie title. Anywho, all these women are two timing their own husbands, so this little town is a Peyton Place, except everyone is ugly and not a single person in this town can act. At all. So after a period of time, the philanderer decides to get a VD screening. Mild funny: On the doctor's wall is a poster labeled Famous People Who Had VD: Julius Cesar, Napoleon, Al Capone, Paul Gaugin, Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin. Since Mr. Romeo has neither syphilis nor gonorrhea, he's given a clean bill of health and sent on his way. The nurse however notices a strange and unknown virus (if it's unknown, how does she know... never mind) but the doctor can't be bothered 'cause it's not his job. Nice.
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| The glove is still perfectly fine... you can return it. |
Soon all the lovers of Mr. Romeo (not the name, I just didn't bother to write any down) start to act strangely. One eats her young son - her cop husband finds her munching on an arm with a baseball mitt still on the hand. He shoots her. The cops show up and arrest HIM. She's got blood all over, flesh in her teeth, but he's the one they arrest. Why? The Chief Of Police is a guy who lost his arm in a hunting accident, when a bear attacked him and he accidentally shot his wife (Get it?). He wants everything and everyone hushed up, including the cop. He steals files and has the bodies removed before they can be examined. But the extremely short coroner took a vaginal smear for some God awful reason (flesh in the teeth and he wants to look in her hoo ha) and so has that to examine.
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| After my family being slayed it's nice to chat with a friend. |
In the meantime, more kids get eaten (aww, what a shame) along with a husband or two. And for some reason, just shooting them doesn't work anymore, like zombies a head shot is the only thing bringing them down. Why? Because this movie is just awful, that's why. A group of teenagers get together and provide some of the worst (and best) dialogue of the whole movie: "We're each responsible for our own mother's actions." "We're fed up (giggle) with this." "I don't want my ass chewed off again (wahahahahaaaa)." I mean you have to laugh, it's just sooo bad. At a mother-daughter dinner, one blonde attempts to introduce her date to her mother, but mom is too busy munching on a woman's arm. "How could you?" the daughter shouts, mortified. Mortified? She's embarrassed that her mother is munching on somebody, not scared or sickened. Aaaaand it continues in this vein through the whole thing. Technical errors abound throughout the film. My favorite was the woman trying to 'prepare' her son like veal, telling him to drink more milk. She pours about 1/3 a glass and hands it to him. He starts to drink - the glass is full to the top.
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| What? Am I embarrassing you again? |
The teens don't seem terribly anxious about the cannibal creatures that are changing in a way that was a special effects artist's nightmare - if they dream about creating the crappiest of work they don't have to worry - it's all here. Things are so fake they just get funnier - there's absolutely no scare here. The gore is your typical splash and dab effect, and any limbs or body parts are so rubber you swear you could see the 'Made In China' stamp on them. In fact, the teenagers seem more put out than scared; two of them argue as one mom shambles toward them, but that doesn't stop them from continuing their argument as she gets closer and closer and... basically they step to the side to get away. One boy is not so lucky (his mother is not one of them) and two mothers go at him (no this is NOT a porno) and munch away. You see a close-up of one mother munching on his leg and I watched this scene at least five times, blowing up the picture and I swear that above his black sock he is wearing BLACK PANTYHOSE. Either that, or the prop department was out of white legs.
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| What's in this latex? I can't feel my face... |
So somehow the coroner and the nurse (he's like 4' something, she's about 6 foot easy) get together to look at the 'evidence' they've collected. And I almost snorted my gatorade as they 'show' what's under the microscope. It's an actual cartoon y'all.... I shit you not. The unknown 'virus' is Pac Man and it's waka waka'ing its way through the cells. I laughed so hard I thought I'd wet myself. The nurse determines (through ESP I guess, I can't think of any other way she could come up with this) that the 'virus' can be in males and dormant, but when in females, especially females that have had children (DUM DUM DUM) it becomes wildly active. Later when somehow this nurse thinks of a 'cure' the cartoon is played again. This time, tough looking cells with big eyes and mad eyebrows attack and eat Pac Man (wawawawawa).... game over. All during this display, music is playing that sounds like Schroeder in a Peanuts cartoon. So they prepare syringes with the 'cure' and send the kids (don't ask how they got there it'll take way too long) to sneak up on their mothers and tells them to 'stick it to them right in the ass'.
Please hold for a moment as the critic is away from her desk, we apologize for the delay. Okay, I'm back, I really had to go wipe my eyes and, uh, other things.
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| If you keep making faces it's gonna freeze that way. |
So each teenager, responsible for their own mother, sneaks up on them and, uh, yeah right in the ass. By now the special effects guy must be trying to impress his girlfriend or something because the rictus of their faces has become so exaggerated they look like muppets. The cure is not immediate and although the description of the movie says there is an 'entire town' of cannibal mothers, there are actually only four. Very small town. These four manage to corner the Chief Of Police as everybody, including other cops converge and the coroner tells the COP he's going to get eaten or confess. He then reveals that his wife was NOT accidentally shot when his arm was ripped off by a bear, she was infected too and was trying to eat him. Nice. So that's why he's covering up. It is? Explain why again? Oh wait a minute, this wasn't supposed to be good or make sense. Sorry, the logic cell in my brain just gave up and died. So through Providence (and because the movie is almost over) the entire town - umm I mean four cannibals conveniently start to change back to their old bitchy selves again. And each kid hugs their mom. Ahhhh. But what about Mr. Romeo? He's still on the prowl, having just completed his latest conquest (Gee, why didn't they think to get him in on the cure? They knew he was the one who had it.) and goes to kiss his latest 'mom' goodbye... and she starts to eat him. The end. What's that you ask? The cure? Penicillin. Now don't you feel stupid?
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