Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, April 11, 2014

CONTEMPORARY HORROR MOVIE AFICIONADOS - GET YOUR DUMBITY ON!


Horror Movie Rules For The 21st Century


Miss Murder is currently working on a new list of horror movie rules (patent pending of course). We all know about the "rules" as explained in the movie Scream, but that was back in 1996. It's 2014 now, and we need to put in the massive 'duh' stuff movie makers insist on putting in that make a lot of them so damned predictable.




MISS MURDER WANTS YOU!


If there is a situation that you see repeat itself ad nauseam (which Miss Murder just found out is a word so often misspelled by people that it makes you want to puke - ad nauseum apparently is incorrect), please post to either page (I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To has a Google AND a Facebook page) and if selected, it will be printed (along with your name - all credits will be given to you) and the finalized list submitted to horror websites or, if it's funny enough, Cracked. Here are a few examples:




His mother must be SO proud his picture is the first one on Google...
THE PISS OF DEATH: In other movies, people NEVER go to the bathroom (unless it's for some humorous reason) but in horror movies guys (and now girls, since DUH is an equal opportunity stupidity) can never hold their water. And it nearly always kills them. This isn't just in cheap horror or dumbass horror movies either - this happens in the way-above-average offering from the Whedonverse, The Cabin In The Woods. The character Marty nearly meets his demise when he steps outside to take the required piss. (Hey, that would be a good horror title: The Piss In The Woods. The catchphrase could be 'Hold Your Water Or Rest In Peace'. Something like that.)




Nu-uh, this one's MINE!
THE MAGIC BLANKET: The movie is nearly over, whoever is/are to die is/are dead, and the survivors treated by trained, qualified ambulance personnel with, you guessed it, A BLANKET. Whether people are cut to shreds, have broken bones, or even just some bruises, THE MAGIC BLANKET is used. Doesn't matter if it's 100 degrees outside, if you're in a horror movie, you automatically win one if you can survive to the credits. Oh, and speaking of medical care there's also:



Oh, right - you WISH it's gonna be with a hot chick...
MOVIE CPR: I'm not talking about the fakey (based on a real word) pumping up and down, that's just called we-don't-want-to-break-the-actor's-ribs anti-lawsuit CPR. It's the fact that in horror movies, CPR only works if you get angry and shout at the victim. Acceptable phrases: "Wake up! Wake up!", "Come back to me Goddammit!", "Live, damn it!", "Don't you leave me!", and "Don't you DARE quit on me!". Although real life can be pretty close, if you think about it. 

During my years on an ambulance I had a young man who was dead drunk (get it?) and going to the hospital for minor injuries from wrecking his car (it was either that or jail). On the way (we were rural, it was always at least a 40 minute trip) he stopped breathing. All I could think was, "I gotta do CPR on this guy and he's going to throw up all over me!" So I did the only logical thing - I slapped him in the face. Hard. He came to and started to cry. Funny, I don't feel bad about that at all. I don't recommend that particular method though - especially if there are family members watching. 


This list will be compiled with all aspects of present horror movie dumbity so if you have an example, simply give the dumbity a name and explain how it is in a lot of horror movies you have seen in the last, oh, say ten years. That should give us a lot to work with. If you wish it to be private, you may submit it in a private message on the Facebook page.

So have some fun and get your dumbity on!