Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

OH FREAKING HELL! THIS MOVIE JUST KEEPS GOING AND GOING AND GOING...




Devil's Due (2014)


Well, as usual, I feel horrible. The weather has been very unstable - it's been one day hot, one day cold, one day hot, then cold, cold, cold, I usually can only take my painkillers and go straight to bed. But I decided to man up (even though I am a woman) and do what I thought I wanted to do. Part of this great and wonderful disease is that in the mornings, my mind is massively mush while I have some physical energy, and at night I am just freaking exhausted but my mind is racing a hundred miles an hour, with all those witty things I wanted to write that morning.


No symbol here...
Miss Mayhem wanted to do a column of her own, but I thought she should get used to the idea of trying to find humor in horror first. She asked me what movie she should watch. I handed her my copy of Zombie Ass: The Toilet Of The Dead (no joke, that's a real movie - I reviewed it Tuesday, July 9, 2013). She took one look at the cover - her face went white. Then she flipped it over. I swear I saw her age at least 5 years right in front of me. 

So, for now, I have sent Miss Mayhem into safer waters, and she presently is working her way through the MST3K catalog. I figured that would be a great way to get her used to bad horror as well as the concept of being able to make fun of it at the same time. I hope it works, but I realize not everyone has my twisted sense of humor.

Closer but no cigar...
Can you tell that I'm really trying to put off doing this review? I am. When I first saw the previews for this movie in 2013, I remember saying to myself 'Goddammit they've made another Rosemary's Baby'. I hated Rosemary's Baby. Yeah yeah, it was shot beautifully, it was a classic. It was William Castle's last film, and directed by a pedophile (who then fled the Country), but that's okay because he's famous, right? But it was so incredibly boring! And it was long. Very, very long. Maybe when it was made it was considered a very classy as well as creepy horror movie, considering you had diminutive little Mia Farrow as the tragic damsel in distress, but I was just bored to tears. THIS film was actually made by 20th Century Fox - WTH?

So.


This is what they use... whatever the hell it's supposed to be...
I actually looked at other reviews 'cause I thought I was being too harsh on this movie's, uh, contradictions? I mean this is about a Catholic couple, who have to be true to the church and yet they slept together before being married, they use birth control, they rarely step foot in the church - and so it is said by some that this is a prejudiced film against Catholics. Well, where there are movies about possession or devils or antichrists, there are Catholics. This is a Hollywood thing, not a me thing, so if some of this offends, well, it's just like every other movie and has nothing to do with my personal opinions. Just keep that in mind, 'kay?

First a scripture out of the Bible about antichrists is shown on screen that, of course, is misapplied. A perfect start. The circle with two lines is something I could NOT find anywhere - and I looked at a ton of different demonic and antichrist symbols - which was NOT a thrill. Not. Even. Close.




We start with a bloody man in a police station. He is apparently going to narrate this turkey. Oh goody. And here's his story (and get ready for a massive headache 'cause this is 'Rosemary's Baby' on a handheld camera): Zach and Samantha are a day from being married. Everything will be on a handheld camera 'cause Zach wants to start a 'family history'. Samantha likes this idea, since she has no family. She says her childhood is 'a blank'. Apparently she lost everyone in a car crash and yet-to-be-born Samantha was cut out of her mother. THAT is a VERY OBVIOUS CLUE by the way, keep it in mind. So they get married.



They go to what is described as the Dominican Republic for their honeymoon. I guess saying they went to the Caribbean is out of style or something. Either that or no one Country wanted to be named in this film for which I can't really blame them. Anywho, these two idiots, because of course to get this stupid script to work they have to be idiots, get stinking drunk in a city during a celebration of some sort. 




Then in the natural course of stupidity, the new wife wants to see a psychic (which Catholics are not supposed to do). The woman grabs her arm, telling her she's born 'from death' and they're waiting for her. She won't let go. After finally pulling away from her, they quickly leave.

They decide to go back to their hotel room. A cab drives up to them, and the man inside offers them a ride. Now – when you're in a strange country, cabs aren't necessarily cabs. I've never been out of the States, but even I know that. But these two idiots get right in as the cab driver promises to take them to a great party.




This stupid prank in New York was the
only good part of the movie - and it wasn't in the movie...
After winding through dark dirty streets they get to an even darker, dirtier building. And these two stupid people go inside and yes, there is a party. They do shots and get even drunker - and apparently drugged. And their handheld camera does NOT have night vision so not only is it wobbly, but it's so dark you can't see the DUH in the room at all. That means you get blurry, shaky shots of these two idiots and also that means we are going to see stuff recorded to tapes that they're not even going to bother to look at until the plot tells them to.

Sure enough, things get weird. The camera picks up distorted images, cuts out, and we get a brief and confusing look at some kind of ritual. You know, we get the chanting, the torches, flashes of bright lights, Samantha is probably getting raped (we don't get to really see that - so calm down) and nothing that makes any sense. The next scene is of our two stupid people waking up in their hotel room, having no idea of how they got there. Do they look at their camera? No. MASSIVE DUH ALERT...




They go home and we skip ahead a few weeks when they discover that Samantha is pregnant. Massive duh again. Yup, we're knee-deep in Rosemary's Baby. Samantha is a bit upset about this, she is nowhere near ready to have a child. This is one of those 'but we used contraceptives religiously' type of pregnancies. If because they're Catholic you're getting mad at me, look at the paragraph above - or maybe just skip the movie and/or review all together. Now if you look at the wiki, which I do to keep my facts straight, comparing them to my notes, the wiki says she's overjoyed. My notes say that she was pissed off.

But she plays happy mommy for a while, even though strange physical things are happening to her. She's having nosebleeds, weird bruising, and other physical symptoms that aren't usual with pregnancy. And she wants to eat meat. Yes, our two idiots are vegetarian. In fact, we get a very prolonged, very unnecessarily slow scene of Samantha in a grocery store in the meat aisle looking at different packages. We see this through the stores security camera since everything is handheld or security or CCTV. Which brings up another massive duh moment. This movie is comprised of footage from many cameras in several different places - who put them all together?



She moves very, very slowly. She picks up a package, very, very slowly. She opens the package, very, very slowly. She finally start eating the raw meat. By this time I was practically biting off my fingernails. Not because I was frightened or grossed out, but because more than anything I just wanted this moment to end.

Even though Zach's wife is acting very strangely ever since the honeymoon, he still doesn't bother to look through the footage. Wouldn't you want to look at your honeymoon footage when you got home? Of course you would. You're smart. Finally both notice that they see strange people that are appearing to be watching them from across the street, public places, etc. 

One of those people appears to be none other than the cab driver who took them to that interesting little party in the first place. When it becomes evident that Sam is uncomfortable with having the child and may hurt it (again, if offended... well, you know), someone places tiny hidden cameras in the idiot's home to make sure the two take care of their bundle of hell... uh, I mean joy.

The movie finally picks up a little when Samantha is in her eighth month. Now her baby has been growing large and the first doctor she had has been replaced by a strange doctor who tells her that she cannot see her regular doctor anymore (what did they do, look through Rosemary's Baby's script and just pull out what they wanted to use?). These two idiots have a nice location where they are, complete with a small wooded area where a family of deer live. They made sure we knew that at the beginning of the movie. Why?



Three kids are out wandering through the trails in that wooded area with, say it with me - saaaaaaaaaay itttttttt - a hand held camera. They come upon the gutted carcass of a deer. Being kids, they decide to poke at it and do the disgusting things that kids do. Then they hear a noise. Turning around, they see a woman bent over another deer. Thinking she is trying to help it, they approach her. Of course, we know what's going on and were praying that they just get on with it. It is Samantha, covered in the deer's blood, eating its guts.

The kids (two guys, one girl) attempt to run, and we get our only interesting effects of the whole movie. One (the girl) is thrown high into the air, one is dragged through the brush and the last manages to make it to his car, only to be thrown high above it, and come crashing down through the windshield. This effect was lessened by the fact that you see nothing but his camera POV and when he smashes onto his car, we only see a hand come through the broken windshield.



The two idiots attend holy Communion. While watching the priest, the priest sees Samantha and starts to violently cough up blood, sending people screaming into the streets. Our massively duh father-to-be finally gets the idea that maybe he should be looking at his camera footage for some clues as to what the hell is going on. Then he sees that, yes, the same man who drove them to that strange party has been following them around, even to the church. He then looks further and finds what happened to them during their honeymoon. And he notices a symbol.

The symbol appears all through the movie. And no, it's not an upside down cross. In fact, looking up this particular symbol I couldn't find it anywhere and I found a lot more than I ever wanted to see. It's some sort of voodoo schmoodoo symbol that he sketches and takes to the priest in the hospital. What there's only one priest in this whole freaking city? This one priest's got to be the guy Zach bothers - the person whom his wife made violently ill? Massive duh. That's when he finds that, of course, the symbol is related to the antichrist (at least according to this movie). It can't just be about a little monster – hell, at this point I'd accept Milo, the nasty little intestinal monster. But no.



Now for some reason, I guess just for something for Zach to do, he sees a couple of these people on his street and reasons that they're probably hiding out in an abandoned house. He breaks in, because that's what law-abiding people do, right? Inside of course he finds all of the close captioned video of his house and his wife, and he realizes that they are in deep shit. The people come for him, he escapes, and runs back to his wife.

Too late. After a pack-all-the-action-into-four-minutes type of tantrum where she psychically destroys the house, she throws her husband against the wall. Okay, this whole movie is from placed or held cameras. So how did they get the view from her on the floor to him on the wall - and vice versa? It keeps going back and forth and... there's no freaking way since neither is carrying a camera.



His wife now lays on the floor with a silver knife she received anonymously at her shower. She cuts herself open and there's a blinding flash of light. Now let me define what just happened for you who don't watch horror movies very often. This is the big scene, the payoff, just like in Rosemary's Baby. Now, quick quiz my lovelies: Did anyone ever see the actual baby after it was born in that movie? No, of course they didn't. That would have cost way too much money.

So, since this is basically following the pattern of Rosemary's Baby with a little bit of Paranormal Activity/Blair Witch/Every Freaking Handheld Camera Movie There Is, they don't want to reveal anything here either. They've already spent their budget, haven't they? They don't have anything left to show a big special effect of what an antichrist might look like. We just see Samantha die.

The 'doctor' and the cab driver come and take the baby that we didn't get to see. The police show up immediately afterward and Zach is arrested. While he finishes his story we get our last scene of another young couple, on their honeymoon in Paris, where the same cab driver from the beginning of the movie offers them a lift.

Apparently they're collecting all these babies for.... I don't know..... Antichrists On Ice?