Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, May 26, 2014


Urban Horror

Just typing those words makes me angry. Why are we 'racially profiling' our horror movies? Urban Horror is NOT a genre - it's like a signal to the audience that there may be 'people of color' in it. It's rude, it's ridiculous, and it's wrong.

Now I'm not talking about designating horror as 'Chinese' or 'Spanish' or 'Japanese' - that simply tell you where the movie is from. But a US movie is just that - a US movie! We don't give a rip what the dumb teenagers look like, just kill 'em and roll the credits...

I already knew a couple of titles that fall under this so-called 'genre' - one I just reviewed - Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones. It was 'targeted' for the Hispanic community. That's the worst line of crap... are we living like barbaric human beings so badly that (besides killing each other indiscriminately) we have to 'separate' our horror like we separate laundry? I mean really? 

In a country that is fighting mad about equal rights for the LGBT communities, why is everyone so blase' about the fact that the Hollywood movie makers apparently want everyone to go back to the 50's and segregate their movies by color?

It's not just movies either - music has the same prejudices. I was once called 'racist' for the stuuuuupidest of reasons. Here's the breakdown: I like an a capella group called Pentatonix (look 'em up on YouTube, they're incredible). Included in their group is a young man named Kevin Olusola. This multi-talented guy sings, plays the cello, and beatboxes. So Pentatonix is getting very popular, 'kay? They release a song called Run To You...

Like an eeeediot (channeling my Ren Höek for a second) I commented on the video, saying it was absolutely beautiful that they could just sit and sing and sound so wonderful. A chicken troll, who must have been licking his beak and waiting for new comments, immediately attacked, saying I was being 'racist' because Kevin is a beatboxer, and to 'just' call him a singer was belittling beatboxers everywhere because bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk...

Still channeling my Ren, I responded by pointing out he wasn't playing his cello for the song either, was THAT racist? BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK... I imagine his chicken troll feathers were flying all over the room. Please don't ask me what chicken troll feathers look like. I deleted the whole thing. I replaced the comment by simply writing that the song was beautiful and made me cry. I've only gotten +1's (Google's version of 'Like' for you Facebookers) on it since...

My point? What day is it... oh yeah. No matter how advanced we think we are, we're apparently all still racist. Even when we're not, we still are. Now this chicken troll didn't know what nationality I was, but he assumed I was still a racist. Huh.

I know, not a horror movie but doesn't he scare YOU?
I looked up 'Urban Horror' and it immediately wanted to list African American Horror. WTH? So they are trying to tell us that if ONE person in the movie with an important role is not <gasp> white in some way, the whole movie is a whole other genre? Or if a person of color lives to the end of the movie that makes it more, umm, special? 

Here's just some titles I found that seem to be in the "Hold onto your wallet while watching these in the theater" type movies (yes I know that's horribly offensive, that's the point people)...

When a Stranger Calls (1979)
The Thing (1982)
The People Under The Stairs (1991)
Candyman (1992)
Tales From The Hood (1995)
The Craft (1996)
Anaconda (1997)
Devil’s Advocate (1997)
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)
Deep Blue Sea (1999)

Stigmata (1999)
Bones (2001)
13 Ghosts (2001)
Crazy As Hell (2002)
Gothika (2003)
Holla (2006)
Shadow: Dead Riot (2006)
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Dead Heist (2007)
Nailed (2007)
Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror (2007)
I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Stick close to this one - as long as she
keeps her clothes on, survival is a sure bet.
Hmm... seems this list is a bit incomplete. Where's The Cabin In The Woods, Night Of The Living Dead (both original and remake), Day Of The Dead, The Shining... okay, let's ask Google the most racist and offensive question I can think of without withering in shame: "List horror movies with black people in them". Know what I got? You guessed it - all the SAME entries I got from Urban Horror with some extra goodies about how people of color never survive to the end of the movie.

You're dead.
I'm saying 'people of color' because I'm not just referring to African Americans. I'm talking about anyone who isn't a Cracker (you may throw rotten fruit at this point if you wish, just not at me) in a horror film. Sure, you die in a horror film if you're a slut, a wastoid, or the know-it-all, but EVERYBODY knows if you're just a little bit ethnic... SNICK - YOU'RE DEAD!

I know, I know, I'm embarrassed too...
Which means even though I'm smarter than the average bear (sigh, ask your grandparents to explain that to you too), I, being a whiter-than-a-sheet bonafide registered Native American would be destined to bite it within the first 20 minutes of a horror movie.

So that is my rant for today. Horror is an equal opportunity genre - stop belittling people by thinking that they need their own category. Next it'll be Paranormal Activity: The American Indian Reservation Casino Massacre. Or something massively offensive like that. I'll appear in it, but I'll also be the first to die.

And if y'all don't get the point of this rant, decide that I'm a horrible, horrible person who deserves to die as a racist, then I've failed.

Update 5/27/14: I learned something interesting. I want to state right here and now that I am NOT an SJW. What's that? Cracked.com's J.F. Sargent wrote the following:

If someone tells me that they don't like my favorite movie, then it's easy to ignore it, but if they tell me that my favorite movie is stupid, I can't help but feel like they're saying I'm stupid for liking it. It's a natural response, because I'm kind of a narcissist. But then it gets even worse if they think my favorite movie is racist, because being racist is even worse than being stupid. Ever hear the term "SJW"? It means "social justice warrior," and it refers specifically to people who point out racism or sexism in movies, video games, and other pop culture.

Those people are considered worse than other types of critics because instead of just pointing out that a movie has flaws, they're accusing people who like it of being awful.

Except they're not, of course. If someone points out that the alternator belt in your car is slipping, they're not accusing you of being some kind of mustache-twirling, white cat-stroking supervillain for having car problems. They're not accusing you of anything. They're talking about your car.

Phew. For a moment there I was worried... but I do admit I'd hoped I was safe since I love roughly half of the movies listed above...