NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! BUT I WON'T...
Oy vey this was a massive stinker - both times! All through the movie I was saying (out loud which is usually why I watch movies alone) 'Geez I know I've seen this before' but I swore I'd seen it on TV and this movie had Michael Rooker and sounded... meh, and I didn't check it out first. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.
Turns out that this is a SyFy stinker of a movie that they added ONE 'F' bomb to and released on a DVD. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.
Let's make this short (pffft). Supposedly in the Pacific Northwest (also known as Bulgaria apparently) this dude is working on an archeological dig for Iroquois artifacts. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.
|Huh. Iroquois warriors wore gloves. New one on me.|
Then we have Cotton Eyed Joe...
|Iroquois warriors also apparently |
wore riding boots and used stirrups...
|Geez, he's whiter than I am...|
|Is... is he riding sidesaddle here?|
After a bunch of soldiers go missing (because the Pacific Northwest has a wormhole that goes straight to Bulgaria), a 'Delta' team is sent in to find out what happened. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.
This 'Delta' team included specialists that had skills that would serve them very well in the forest (she said with poisoned sarcasm) - such as the chick who was an underwater demolitions expert. Uh huh.
They get killed off one by one, some by arrow, others by ax, the rest by spear. We get a few comical scenes of actors rolling down hills and very obviously having to push themselves to keep going down the hill. In fact, one scene has Michael Rooker rolling (sort of) down a looong hill. He started with a hat, rolls without a hat, ends up at the bottom with the hat. Hey, a magic hat!
Let's cut this down 'cause despite the sad attempts of Michael Rooker trying his best to save this damned movie, there's just not anything to save. Even the stupidity of the plot and the lack of continuity wasn't good enough to make this even remotely enjoyable. This is where their money went:
1. Michael Rooker
2. Casper Van Dien
3. A helicopter to pick them up (even though it was clearly a four person helicopter at the most) and a toy to blow up against a grass hill. You heard me.
4. A tanker truck carrying something flammable to jackknife and blow to Kingdom Come (or maybe open the wormhole back to the Pacific Northwest, you never know).
5. Lots of models of the whatever-the-hell-plant-it-was to blow up at the end.
The supposed rescue helicopter blows up because 'Joe' shoots a WOODEN arrow and destroys the back rotor. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.
|The cab is sideways, he is on the ground, and then...|
|Whoops - too hot, gotta get it out further...|
|Okay, that's better - go back |
sideways in the road and lay down, 'kay?
So Rooker's character supposedly tricks the non-Iriquois Indian from Bulgaria into going into the chemical/power/I-have-no-freaking-idea plant before blowing it up. The end. Not. They show the cheap ripoff from the Scream movies riding his black... brown... red... whatever the hell horse it was... off into the woods for another, uh, skip it.
CURSE YOU, SYFY CHANNEL!!!