Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, August 25, 2014

WHAT THE HELL? I'VE SEEN A MOVIE JUST LIKE THIS NOT TOO LONG AGO (EXCEPT IT WAS BETTER THAN THIS GARBAGE) LET'S JUST LOOK THIS PUPPY UP NOW... DAMMIT!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MOVIES ARE ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE WHAT I'VE JUST SEEN... FOR THE SECOND TIME?





The Tortured (2010)

Not too terribly long ago I saw a strange movie - horror with a small bit of humor. It was about a very pedestrian couple with a teenage girl. The girl is kidnapped but returned to her family. The couple wanted the ultimate justice for the crime and the courts didn't deliver. They then found out where the bastard lived, went there, and spent the movie torturing him in every way they could think of (for being total amateurs). The movie ends when the kidnapper dies and they leave... after a short period of time the guy's brother comes home and freaks - see, HE was the kidnapper. The couple had just tortured and killed an innocent man.




Hell, they don't even bother changing
the titles on these things...
So I'm watching this flick and thinking 'Okay, this is familar.' Same tune, different dance. This time the mother is working and the father is in charge of watching their six-year-old boy. He goes inside for under a minute to get him some sunscreen. He didn't know that the boy had been scoped and targeted by a deranged maniac, who rushes in and swoops the boy up. The father doesn't even have time to get in his car - he runs helplessly down the road as the psycho gets away.




Loooong story very VERY short, the psycho is found, the boy has died, and the nastiness will now begin. After finding out that a deal was cut so the killer will only get 25 to life, the grieved parents hijack the prison van and crash it in movie-duh style.

The rest of the movie? You can pretty much guess - they torture him, he finally dies, it's revealed at the end that they had the wrong guy - they killed a tax evader while the killer went free. DUH on such a massive scale it wasn't even interesting.

So I thought okay, I've wasted my time, better get a review out of it. I'll take the two and contrast and compare.

TWO?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY 'THEY TOOK MY (FILL IN THE BLANK HERE) SO THEY ARE GONNA PAY' MOVIES ARE OUT THERE? 

We're talking only a few years, not the history of film making. Needless to say, I can't find it. Even if (especially if) I look under 'revenge movies'. Yikes.


So if you're watching this type of movie and you're kinda pissed at me for giving away the plot and the ending - I really didn't. This scenario apparently has played itself out in a bunch of movies.

Hollywood, you truly are a worn-out bitch with no ideas, no integrity, and no good movies.