I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

A BLOODY MESS OF A RIPOFF OF 'THE THING'... PICK ANY VERSION, IT'S BEEN DONE LIKE, WHAT, THREE TIMES? THIS STORY ABOUT NATURE HAVING A REALLY BAD PERIOD CAN GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE OF THE ECOTERRORIST GENRE...






Blood Glacier aka Blutgletscher aka The Station (2013) Austria

Yes the Earth is being ruined by humans. Yes the climate change is mucking things up. Yes there are countless lifeforms being totally obliterated each year. Yes we should feel ashamed. No we shouldn't have to endure movies like these. But nature is flowing heavily and she's cranky so you better just be quiet and listen up or she'll insist on flowers and chocolate and a nice card and...

If you can't read this, just know
that IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

The worst part of this review? It was for a throwaway movie I put together over a month ago but didn't finish. That means there's parts I don't remember and I HAVE TO WATCH THE DAMNED THING AGAIN. My fault of course (or I could blame my illness as soon as I make up a cool label for it) but here we go.

Italy looks more... snowy than I thought...

The basic premise is some dumb people in Austria (who are actually in South Tyrol, Italy) noticing a red (NOT BLOOD) streak in a receding glacier and fun and mirth follow. Just kidding. Death and destruction follow and the movie smacks you in the nose every ten minutes or so to remind you that it's YOUR FAULT.


Since there's only so many people up there (and one dog) this should go quickly, right? Ah, these people are clever - the movie decides that a group is coming up to view this stupid glacier. That makes more people to kill and a longer movie.

The only actor anybody gives a damn about...

So it's not blood, it's genetic material from, I dunno, space? Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (I'm still working on that one)? Wherever this stuff is coming from, like Food Of The Gods it's STILL YOUR FAULT!!! And that genetic material is mixing with the local fauna and it's STILL YOUR FAULT!!! And people start to die from these monstrosities and it's STILL YOUR FAULT!!! Do you get the picture?

It took me four tries to get a picture
of this hawk, uh, thing before it zipped away...

No? The material supposedly changes anything it comes into contact with, and then anything THAT thing comes in contact with. Kind of like unprotected sex. Without the 'Whoops, sorry about that' afterward. Well, then the dog gets bit by one of the monstrosities, bites his master and lays suffering on the bed with it's DNA changing AND IT'S STILL YOUR FAULT!!! Aaaaand a clue to what happens at the end of the movie, a massive duh. We see people yelling at each other (oh boy, they must have been a fun bunch to work with), people dying, weird quick looks at deformed something-or-others (because a long, hard look would be too expensive).

Aw how cute - a monster-man-puppy... thing.
Gotta take it to show the folks back home...

It ends with an ahhhhhh when the drunk (there's always one) has to put his dog down but before they leave he finds something squirming by his now-deceased dog and it's... it's... it's... ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

And I'm done with this.