Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, October 11, 2014


Many Appologees For Ze Inconweenience

So. Do I have a good excuse for not producing for my very loyal and steady readers of reviews past and present? Of course I do. All I have to do is shout "PING PONG BALLS!" and a whole cascade of pre-printed excuses will fall on your head. And if you don't get that reference, you're up waaay past your bedtime, get in your room now! Actually, this is a bit before my time too... well, I guess it's off to bed for me...

Whoa, after watching that video I just realized something - Moose and the Captain HATED each other, didn't they? Yikes, did you feel the tension in that short video or was it just me?

Hmm? I'm stalling? Well of course I'm stalling, I've gotten absolutely nothing done. Oh I have a page of movie reviews on my blog currently in 'draft' mode, but nothing cleaned up and ready to publish. Lots of excu- err, I mean reasons though.

A friend needed her three furballs (dogs, which I have almost no experience with) taken care of for a week. Sounds easy right? I thought hey, I'd take a bunch of movies with me, use her computer to write the reviews, no sweat...

Yes sweat. Lots and lots of sweat. For reasons I won't go into, because you all have heard the fibro story many times, I got sick almost at the start. Having to get up at 3:30 a.m., take care of my (feline) furballs, rush to her place and take care of HER three (canine) furballs, locking, unlocking, running errands, taking furballs for walks... and not getting home until 10:30 at night, only to get my stuff together, crash for a couple of hours then start all over again...

Not mine of course, but add a water balloon
 to each one and you've got the idea...
Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, my feet started to swell like misshapen hot dogs on a grill. Standing up started to be agonizing, then almost impossible. By the end of the week, I was in bed and staying there, hoping that rest and a lot of water pills would shrink my feet down enough to where I could at least wear my slippers again. Aaaand that's where I've been. Bound to my bed but my brain running off with ideas. Mostly wishing there was a better selection of new horror movies coming up.

Oh yes, this WILL be bad...
Although Netflix has added some movies that have potential (as jokes, they're not good), I have to be able to be upright to watch them first and that wasn't happening. The drafts I have prepared that just need cleaning up and pictures added couldn't be done because, well, you know. It's times like this I really wish for a laptop and wifi.

I've mentioned before I live in a very small town surrounded by larger (but still rather small in comparison to most) towns. There's nothing 'abandoned' here - no asylums, prisons, big spooky houses, etc.

The intricately carved gate just adds
to the peacefulness of the place...
Between this gal's house and mine (ONE WHOLE MILE) there is a cemetery that is very old, and has some of the first settlers of the town there. It's kind of separated into three sections - the oldest, second oldest, and newer. Is it spooky? Nah. In fact, the hubby took a picture of it thinking I could use it but it just looked... quaint. There was absolutely nothing sinister about it.

Older section... nothing spooky here...
I stopped one day to look around and saw nothing but history. A nice, beautiful spot for those families whose descendants still mostly live here in the beautiful Columbia Gorge (that's an area along the Oregon and Washington borders).

A Southwestern view...
So how would I make a horror movie out of a sweet place like this? I couldn't. Oh I could try to make something up in the vein of the 'shaky hand held found footage' crappy type of horror movie, but in my town it would go something like this:

Western view...
Me and five of my friends are out driving late at night because we're bored... no, no, scratch that, I don't HAVE five friends. Me and four... three... okay me and two friends are driving late one night because we're old and can't sleep and we don't drink so...

Could this BE any more wimpy looking?
One bright and beautiful night we go to investigate the reports passed down for the last two... days that a car has been abandoned on a public street. Here's the scary part: IT'S A PRIUS!!!

One friend says she has to get up early for work and the car's too small anyway to really look around in. The other friend (my hubby) also has to get up very early so it's up to me to solve the mystery of the INCREDIBLY SMALL TOWN WITH AN ABANDONED PRIUS!!!

So I find a Ouija board in the backseat and wonder if I should try to communicate with somebody although of course I don't really believe these things work...  pffft... YOU could write it from here.

So... there's nothing to write about here - unless I tell you the horrible (and, sadly, true) story about a stupid bunch of people who decided to see how fast they could get a Honda Civic going down a back street before crashing into the front of my house at four in the morning on a Sunday in November.

He smashes my house but
I have to protect HIS identity.
Does that seem fair to you?
They not only got away with their lives, but despite being caught, they got away without really paying for it either - despite there being drugs and priors involved. Yup, no jail time, an order to pay restitution (which has never happened) and the driver re-offended within a month. Wonderful country we live in, huh?

So. Coming up: I give a quick review of The Walking Dead seasons one through four (Hint: You can pretty much skip most of seasons two and four); The movies Fear Of Clowns, Nazis At The Center Of The Earth, and a couple of others I can't remember the precise title to but are almost ready to go. I also want to see what Big Ass Spider! is about (I'll regret that one I'm sure).