Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, October 19, 2014


Fear Of Clowns (2004) Straight To DVD

(Note: This is yet another review that sat in 'draft' mode on my page 'cause I couldn't get it together enough to print it so if something seems... off, well, you know me) I can't believe the grief American Horror Story: Freak Show is getting for having a killer clown. Do you know how many killer clowns there are in movies and TV? Like this one for example. This is a 106 minute Movie Of The Week - showing on a channel like Lifetime or some other type of snivelly dreck channel 'cause this sure wasn't a horror movie, much less a movie that would make you fear clowns. In fact, it might just cure you. The tag line is 'Laugh And You're Dead'. BUZZZZ I'm sorry, that's the wrong tag line. It's 'Laugh If You Decided Not To Watch This Because Getting Dental Work Is Less Painful'.

If it appears that this review is overlong it's 'cause I'm looking after three very sweet (but very needy) furballs as well as my own and even though I don't move much anyway, I'm moving even less right now 'cause every time I do they go nuts. I mean the yapping/snarling/barking 'Don't leave us, you don't love us, we're soooo bored' kind of nuts. 

Meh, I never claimed to be good with dogs. I love 'em but when you can't even take care of yourself, it's hard to remember that these little ones are nervous and missing their momma. Cats just amuse themselves if you've fed and watered them and have to go to bed. Dogs can't. But if I stay still, so do they. So.

This is massively low budget, badly acted, and dragged on with a meandering story that just wouldn't get to the point. And the movie was edited horribly, or at least I'd hate to think they did it on purpose. It was almost like they did several takes with a scene and repeated a couple of them. It also had side stories that went nowhere. I mean this is a movie, not a series so what the hell?

I checked with wiki before doing this review. I... must have watched a different movie 'cause this had all the plot laid out - and it STILL made no sense. Woof.

My version: An artist named Lynn Blodgett (Jaqueline Reres) has had coulrophobia (fear of clowns) all her life and doesn't know why. She has the typical 'wake up screaming sitting straight up' dreams. The plot is she starts being stalked by a murderous clown resembling one of the ones she paints. Aaaaaaand that's about it. 

There's a nasty psychiatrist husband wanting to get rid of her (hmm, maybe the Lifetime channel would work best) and/or make her give up her son AND pay him child support. Why? 'Cause the movie said so. Then it's revealed that her husband hadn't been working for six months. And she didn't notice? So my horror movie worksheet (patent pending) was completed before the eeeevil clown even shows up. I'll bet you guys also have this movie figured out - you're smarter than me.

Anwho, the editing. Lynn Blodgett (Jaqueline Reres) is housesitting while going through a divorce. She's only there a couple of days when a neighboring family is murdered. She starts seeing a clown with all black eyes stalking her. The first time she see him, she faints (oh brother)... she comes to when a paramedic rubs her ears. That's an old trick of causing pain stimuli to determine level of consciousness by the way.

A detective Peters (played like a wooden stick by Frank Lama), knowing what she does for a living asks 'Is this a PR stunt?' Nice. About 30 seconds later he says 'Is this some kind of publicity stunt? He uses the word 'stunt' one more time before leaving. Sheesh. The cops and the detective smirk at each other at the thought of a CLOWN being a peeping tom, much less a stalker. 

Find THIS at your window or on your
doorstep and THEN we'll talk about scary...
Where have these people been, in a cave? I'm not just talking about old stuff like good ole' John Wayne Gacy, I'm talking about all the current home invasion movies where the formula seems to revolve around people wearing masks (usually animal). So what's so strange about that? And again we've got only ONE paramedic checking her out. Duh. After they're done laughing at her, they call her a 10-96, the police-coded way to say she's a crazy bitch.

My favorite line? She has her son at the gallery where her paintings are. Right in front of the kid, a man approaches her and asks "Have you ever been spanked by a clown?" Hmm, I'll have to think about that one... WHAT THE HELL? He then explains he wants a GOOD clown picture of his father (apparently NOT John Wayne Gacy) that doesn't look all evil, even after telling her his father would come home from his, uh, clowning gig? and spank him 'doing his duty as a father punishing his son'. Okay, now I'm not scared of clowns, I'm scared of painters and CHILDREN of clowns.

We see the clown getting verbal instructions from a recorder. He's in full paint, got the pants and shoes and... whatever that round thing is around his neck, but no shirt. Why? Dunno. His pecs and arms were decent, but he really needed to work on his abs. Had a little beer belly there.

Ahem. So this black eyed fellow is getting instructions to first scare her a LOT, but not hurt her. This includes a gratuitous nude scene (DUH) of one of his victims (a friend of Blodgett) getting out of the shower. He grabs her by the neck and holds her nude body against the wall. You know he has some serious issues when instead of... you know... he strokes her hair (and with gloves on even that couldn't have been a thrill) - then kills her.

So Blodgett already has a new beau with tons of money taking her for strange field trips. Another good line is when he takes her home the detective is waiting. The detective introduces himself as being from homicide. The beau, Tucker, (played with boredom by Rick Ganz) repeats, 'Homicide?' The detective replies 'Yeah. That's when someone dies.' Oh the wit is flying fast and furious with this bunch.

And sure enough we find that the husband has hired a hit on his wife. He complains about the guy being slow. The killer replies (his ACTUAL WORDS), 'There's a clown been following her.'  Uh, what? Oh, that's right, he's a killer - don't need no education to do that job. When the husband questions him he says, 'For a shrink you don't hear so good.' It's LISTEN you moron, don't - whoops, forgot, uneducated killer. But he does know money and he wants more. How much? His words again: 'Hmm, psychotic clown, cops galore, ten thousand.' Sends shivers down your spine, doesn't it?

Let me remind you movie since you seem to have forgotten - you're a HORROR film. So far there's been one beheading and that was off camera and one family slaughtered - also off camera. That's cheap and... boring. Lifetime channel, here we come...

Okay wait a minute - John Wayne Gacy may be back in the picture - in a way. Turns out the man 'spanked by a clown' had a father who performed at birthday parties, then picked his choice of kids to molest. He had been tried and convicted - yet his son wants a 'straight' portrait of him in makeup. Sounds tres' kinky to me. Then they try to squeeze in a 'stalker boyfriend' angle. Now we're right back to the Lifetime channel, 'because men are terrible and will hurt you.' <sorry, Family Guy>

Hmm.. enter 'Fear Of Clowns' in
Google Images, and I get this...
Oh wow. Oh what a surprise (too bad computers don't have a 'bored' font or a 'sarcastic' font - whoever created that could make a ton of cash). Our psycho husband not only has one hit man but is manipulating Shivers The Clown (Mark Lassise) whose name I only know because I checked the IMDb, 'cause they NEVER say it in the movie, also to rid himself of the wife. Sigh.

Well, the movie's still running but the plot is dead still. Oh we've got a clown service (there's tons of those) delivering flowers to Blodgett and he's immediately arrested so the cop can keep his back to the huge man with the bright face paint and a medieval ax who chops off his head. Bloodlessly. Oh there's a little bit coming out of the body while it lays there but pffft... He does let the clown live, however. You may clap now if you want... HEY, GET BACK HERE YOU COWARDS!!!

The hit man shows up in a clown mask, grey hoodie, and of course a gun. We have one of those 'I don't even know how to get out of my own house' scenes before the hit man catches up with her. And as he tells the woman her husband sent him (that's required by movie hit men by the way), the stalker boyfriend shows up and they tussle until Blodgett picks up the gun and she shoots him. Duh.

I profusely apologize for this one...
We next see bastard husband relaxing with a good, boring book, after all, getting your wife killed takes a lot of energy. Without rhyme, reason, a good writer or director or producer, the movie decides that the clown, instead of killing the woman, kills the husband. 'Kay.

So that's the end of the movie. Bwahahahaaa you are soooo naive. The blonde goes back to having nightmares about clowns. Massive movie duh. And our son-of-a-child-molester? He gets his painting and likes it soooooo much (we don't get to see it though, massive duh) he pays five times what he promised.

Okay, which bland and boring character should we go to next? the husband can't be found, the boyfriend swears he was only following Blodgett's talent (and her ass) and isn't a stalker, the owner of the gallery is still ali-- whoops. Never mind. Why is the clown still killing people? Well, since I'm watching this on a different viewer, unfortunately I don't know how much of the movie is left at this point.

The rich boyfriend takes Blodgett to the theater - he rented the WHOLE theater. Nothing says stupid show off than a man who deprives everyone else of fun so he can get a little. The owner of the theater is next on the chopping block (How come this clown never gets any blood on him or the ax?).

The constant swinging of the ax is good for Shivers The Clown though, his abs seem to be firming right up. Ahem. Blodgett sets up the next death scene by the movie duh habit of having a character say something really stupid that turns out to be true. Her boyfriend asks who's watching the kid, she tells him, saying 'She's been dying to get to watch him."

Ohhhh brother. The chop-chop she went through is a bit more thorough (head still came off though) but since once again it was all done off camera we really don't care about the very fake and cheap looking effect of a dismembered woman we never met.

So Muscles The Clown has apparently decided that, even though nobody really knows how to sharpen medieval axes, he's still gonna use his on the random people he meets now. Or at least until the movie's over. So our two idiots wait in the darkened theater until the clown slowwwwly comes down the aisle. Oh no, I'm... almost interested.

He points at... one of them and says 'You are gonna pay.' Nice one Muscles. And good work on those abs - they're definitely getting more definition. Meanwhile the detective has that 'Whoops we've been dumbasses' moment where they realize that the woman they told was safe is actually still in danger (and this movie still qualifies for the Lifetime channel) and things get slower, slower, slower.

So THAT's why there's no end to this movie...
Aren't movies supposed to speed up towards the end? You know, things come to a head and there's a flurry of activity (not necessarily good stuff but at least they're moving) so that the movie can end? Geez. If these furry bodies weren't holding me down, I'd be running faster than the people in the movie to get away from it.

So Muscles The Clown is a D.O.J. sex offender named Doug Richardson (I think I like the other name better), and he suffers from Leber's Congenital Amaurosis (black eyes). Sigh.

Okay kids, never say you can't learn something from Miss Murder. LCA is a rare inherited eye disease that appears at birth or in the first few months of life, and affects around 1 in 80,000 of the population. From what I could find, it can mean anything from a spot on part of the eye or a complete black color over the eye, which usually causes a loss of sight. But people think all black eyes look totally bitchin'... umm I mean completely radical... oh, whatever the word for super cool is these days, and so many are buying contact lenses to simulate the look. Duh. Most are cheap and thus if they don't quit wearing them they may blind themselves.

But ooooh, the smart detective now figures the psycho husband had two prepared killers. What. A. Man. And the movies over now... AH HELL NO, it's still going!

Boyfriend and girlfriend are still trying to get out of the theater and... saaaay, where the hell did she get that dress? Did she buy it from That 70's Show? I haven't seen such a nasty pattern since orange shag rugs were all the rage. But then I was awfully young then... <snickers>

Oh and guys? Movie making guys? We are smarter than you think, you know. A shot rushing at somebody's face (or a door, or a sign or...) is NOT an acceptable substitution for a scare. Shame on you.

Hey that's a cheap shot. Turns out Muscle The Clown has grabbed Blodgett's boy. That's gonna scar the kid for life. Nice. She trades herself for the kid. Then she cowers, which is shown in no less than three different positions. The boyfriend hits him in the head (pffft) but before he can kill again, the cops are there - one of those perfectly timed entrances that end cheap movies. Bad movies too. And this one was both. And it's finally over... OH GODDAMMIT IT'S STILL GOING CAUSE THE DAMNED CLOWN ESCAPED! I GIVE UP!

Sigh. It's times like this that I really regret giving up sniffing glue. <sorry, Airplane> There's a few dark and darker scenes but what you can see is the clown standing over the boy's bed. AND THE MOVIE ENDS THERE!!!