Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, March 24, 2014


We Are What We Are (2013):

I don't even have to use my new dictation software for this one. This movie is one of those 'dark' pieces about supposed old-time family tradition carried on despite the morals and beliefs of today's society. In other words, it's another movie about cannibalism and how one family (or, rather, the father) justifies continuing something that supposedly started over a hundred years ago.

You have a family of five which quickly becomes four when the mother, suffering from massive headaches, strokes out and drowns in a puddle. Her autopsy shows some strange physical finds that a country doctor puzzles over for a while so that you can have a movie... findings that are obvious in the rest of the family as well - down to a boy about eight years old.

There are problems. Lots and lots of problems. First, this is a remake of a Mexican film of the same name. That's just plain lazy. Second, they plan on making more about this particular story. That's just plain stupid.

The four family members left practice cannibalism because... well, it really doesn't matter, does it? We know it's going to be some over-the-top religious kind of reason because they portray massively devout Christians as having screws loose all over the place. The wheres and the whys and the hows are pretty much the same in each kind of movie.

But they shot themselves, not only in the foot - but in the face, the gut, the neck... pick a spot, they blew it. See, what the mother died of, and what the rest of the family currently suffers from is a rare Prion disease. No whackos, it's not a car. Stop giggling.

I said this would be short so... a Prion disease is a rare kind of infectious agent that usually appears when... say it with me... SAAAAAY IIIITTTT! when human flesh, particularly the brain, has been consumed. The symptoms can mimic Parkinson's or even Alzheimer's disease. Bottom line though, it is fast, it is progressive, and it is always fatal. So we really can't have generations worth of cannibals now, can we? CAN WE???

And so concludes this short and horrid tale that didn't need to be made once, never mind twice in two countries.