Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


Pure Terror

Continuing on with our little pack of 50 (yes that's a big five oh) classic (not necessarily good, but classic) horror films.The little pamphlet AND my little tape recorder has saved my butt 'cause it keeps me straight with what movie was shown. Each movie also has a short synopsis (thank goodness) so I know whether I've actually already seen (and reviewed) the movie or not. Unfortunately for the most part, it's not.


The Thirsty Dead aka Blood Hunt aka The Blood Cult Of Shangri-La (1974) US/Philippines

Warning: This is a 70's era sexploitation film made once more (as a lot of them were) in the Philippines. The warning is that although that's what it's supposed to be, there are no women in bondage, no Foxy Brown (Pam Grier), no nudity whatsoever, and no reason to watch this movie. I'll make it very, very short.

Granny looks pretty hot, right?
They tease you with the opening of a girl dancing in a cage. But she's dressed. And she's probably your grandmother. Okay, calm down, maybe not YOUR grandmother, but she's somebody's grandmother. The news screams of a Hong Kong slavery ring grabbing women from Manila - yawwwwn. Hey, what do you want? When the main character's name is Baru and dresses like he's from the planet Weirdo, you get what you get.

Girls are snatched, transported via boat in the sewer until suddenly they're in what is probably the same freaking river in the jungle that every other 70's Philippines movie used. Then it's over the hill and through the woods to grandmother's house... wait. No, it's through the jungle and up the mountain where Baru keeps all the women he's been collecting - and blaming Hong Kong.

A heeeeeaaaaaaadddddd in a bbbbbboooooooxxxxxxx.....
And they're all following... oh for the love of GOD it can't be... it shouldn't be... FREAKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER HEAD IN A BOX!!! Obviously somebody has conspired against me, and disembodied heads in convenient carrying cases is now my fresh hell. Wow. Anywho, the head in a box-o is in charge of picking the leader of the group, which it does then slumps over. Let me say that again. A head. In a box. Speaks. Then slumps over.

This is way too bad, let me sum up. The Red Cross show up and bleed the ladies (kidding, it was the cult members) for the select other ladies to drink the blood to stay young. And, like other 70's movies, the captive ladies make a plan to escape, find out it's a bad plan, and only one makes it out. 

She brings the whole freaking police force (or whatever they have in the Philippines) but they won't climb the mountains - but the woman with Baru is able to see with her magic telescope made of a bundle of sticks down the mountain, through the trees, down the river and to the road to make sure they're (the bad guys I mean) safe. Old, but safe. The end.

The Amazing Transparent Man (1960) TV Movie

This completely gripping tale is about a rogue US Army Major who makes a scientist create a machine to make a man invisible so he can steal materials to make a man invisible. No I'm not changing that and it's not going to get any better either. BUT NO DISEMBODIED HEADS ANYWHERE!!! Just a stupid crazed experiment taking place in a remote house that looks just like it belongs to Norman Bates' mama. It's one of those movies where you walk right in, sit right down, grab a martini and a smoke. Every. Stinking. Time.

Best line of the movie (and don't be disappointed, this was just that bad): 'This will rip out your spine and roll it up like a ball of string.' I have no idea what that's referring to, but it's the most inventive part of the movie. That and the idea of strapping a guinea pig to a table to hold it still (you wouldn't get away with that today) while they irradiate it and keep it fresh forever... whoops, sorry a B52 lyric sneaked into there. They irradiate it and turn IT invisible first to make sure it won't kill the convict. How noble.

In short (too late) this turkey is about what I already put in the first paragraph - what, don't you pay attention? The nuclear materials Ulof (the scientist) needs to better his invisibility machine are extremely rare and kept under guard in government facilities. Krenner arranges the prison break of notorious safecracker, Joey Faust, to steal the materials he needs. Faust reluctantly complies since he's a fugitive and wanted dead or alive.

Faust continues attempting to escape and tries to get one over on Krenner by attacking him while invisible and running off. However, Dr. Ulof’s guinea pig dies when the female assistant announces she's pregnant - no wait, that's a rabbit, never mind. But soon after Faust finds that he can't control the visible/invisible schtick and we get stupidity that we can't see and then we can.

Faust decides he's had enough, "I'm getting all the guinea pigs outta this place!" He must have joined PETA. He's mainly pissed because the scientist tells him it will take more and more radiation to make him invisible, which will essentially make him a DEAD invisible man. Good.

Faust is more stupid than he looks and that's saying something. He decides to go for one last heist, a big bank robbery, because nothing's less suspicious than a money bag floating in the air, right? But, unfortunately, in the middle of the robbery he becomes visible. And, thankfully, also his clothes. 'Cause he's an ugly sucker. Really. No Kidding. 

Yeah, right.
Somehow he escapes anyway, rescues the woman and the doc, and finds out he's gonna die. So he's gonna take the others out too. He sets off the nuclear material which destroys the house completely but nothing else, and there's no radiation fallout. How convenient. How stupid. How long until the end of the movie? So Faust becomes an anti-hero but more importantly, he becomes MY hero because he ends the movie.