Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, March 9, 2014


Pure Terror

Continuing on with our little pack of 50 (yes that's a big five oh) classic (not necessarily good, but classic) horror films.The little pamphlet AND my little tape recorder has saved my butt 'cause it keeps me straight with what movie was shown. Each movie also has a short synopsis (thank goodness) so I know whether I've actually already seen (and reviewed) the movie or not.


Madmen Of Mandoras aka They Saved Hitler's Brain (1963 & 1969)

As I was going over, the famed Mandoras mountains,
I met with Fuhrer Hitler, and his nerve gas he was stashing.
I first produced my papers, and then produced my antidote.
Said 'I'm using this', so he killed me quickly.

Musha ring dumma do damma da
Whack for the Nazi 'ol
Whack for the Nazi 'ol
There's Hitler in the jar-o

I have to say that no movie that's this horrible has given me such fits as this one - especially because I micro-analyzed the damned thing but there was so much crap my mind shut down and I think I had a mini-stroke. Number one, I lost the review (got too delete happy on my recorder) and had to watch this turkey twice. Number two, this turkey is actually two separate movies - two very, very bad movies. 

This never happens...
In 1963, they came out with a movie called The Madmen of Mandoras. It wasn't a bad-in-a-fun-to-watch Plan 9 From Outer Space kind of way, just horrible. Also known (but not well) as Amazing Mr. H and The Return Of Mr. H. I guess using the name Hitler in the title was not PC for them in 1963. Apparently it was in 1969, though. So what the hell happened?

The original movie had a run time of 64 minutes - about 63 minutes too long. But unfortunately 64 minutes does not fill in two hours on TV, even with commercials. They needed 20 minutes more movie but the original people all were in hiding (kidding) so they asked some UCLA students if they'd like to play at being filmmakers 'cause hey, nothing could ruin THIS movie. They agreed. And so TSHB was born - with very VERY obvious patches between the earlier footage and the student's footage. That's not their fault, that's the fault of stupid movie production companies that think the American public will watch any crap put in front of their eyes. Nope. Just me.

TV version with laser gun (gun not included)...
There are so many mistakes, the music is horrible, the scenes don't even begin to blend together, and the movie is nearly half over before they even MENTION Nazis or Hitler's brain (which is actually Hitler's whole head) or a master plan.

The plot (meager as it is) is that there is a nerve gas that kills anything immediately that most nations already have. An antidote has been discovered and developed. Trouble is, the Nazis don't want that antidote to be available, so they can rule the world. Now in the movie they say that many countries already have the gas - nobody has an antidote. So how does destroying it lead to a master plan to rule the world? Pffft... this is a Nazi plot and they didn't do so well with their ideas in WWII either.

Let's talk about cars because it takes attention away from how awful it was to see this twice. The bad guys (who were not German) in the newer footage are dressed just like the Blues Brothers - black suits, hats, sunglasses. There's a reason for that which is revealed later. Unfortunately. They are riding in a black 1963 Lincoln Continental with suicide doors. This type of car was used in the original movie so they tried to keep it the same - they just didn't bother to make sure everything worked. One of the taillights in the '69 footage is burned out. 

There are two detectives that pop up for no good reason who are dressed as young people did in 1969. They inexplicably are looking into the plot - sort of. They separate - the one sits and reads a newspaper while his partner does the legwork in what looks like a Super Beetle. However those didn't come off the assembly line until 1971. Sigh. I hate trying to get the cars right but I'm kind of picky that way. Since this was definitely 1969 and I DID find a picture of a Bug with a rack from 1969 I'm sticking to that.

In a switch to the original movie, the ONE person who has the formula (massive movie duh) gets blown up when he gets in his car. The CID lab says the paperwork definitely was destroyed in the explosion. Oh really? Their 'lab' was sooo good that they could determine in a pile of twisted, burnt metal that plans for an antidote were destroyed? Wow. So those at the CID headquarters have to figure out what to do. CID must be for those agents who couldn't pass the CIA, CIB or CIC tests...

The 'leader' of the CID is reading a newspaper where in BIG letters it tells him of the man who got blown up only a couple of minutes ago. Great news coverage in that town. Trouble is, there's only a headline - no story. Oh there's stories on there, just not one fitting their headline. Whoops. Into the room steps one of the detectives - in a blow-dry haircut and mod clothes - quite different from the ones in the first scenes. Whoops again. 

Actually, that's the last 'whoops' I'm printing or this is gonna get very, very long. The blow-dry guy is sort of pissed because his partner turns out to be a woman. After they argue for a bit, he offers her some tea - which tastes terrible. He says 'I guess a man's place is not in the kitchen.' Somebody shoot me now! Better yet, shoot him. But noooo... it goes on.

Aaaaand I'm horrifically bored so I'll just say that these two inexplicable people die inexplicably quick so that we can switch to the original film where they show a couple get kidnapped for no discernible reason. They are then flown to Mandoras, a fictional island that is a none-too-subtle swipe at Cuba. 

There we see the ORIGINAL owners of the black Lincoln with suicide doors - which can apparently float really well since it made it clear from the mainland to the island. And they are no longer dressed as the Blues Brothers since they don't have to hide that they are two completely different actors. Ahhh, see? No? Don't worry about it.

Skip ahead skip ahead (pun DEFINITELY intended) we FINALLY see Hitler's head in a jar-o. He apparently got his acting cues from Charlie Chaplin, everything from the mustache up was right out of a Chaplin movie. Der Fuhrer looks pretty darn good for a head that's been in a jar for several decades. 

This is his Oscar-winning performance...
After more stuff happens that makes your eyes go glassy if you try to pay too much attention, we finally get a chase scene. Now, the only weapons the good guys have are grenades. And only a couple of those, so they have to make them count.

Pay attention military mucky-mucks: These grenades are not only capable of wiping out DOZENS of people in one boom, but their accuracy is spot on and they can blow up cars just as easily as people. And so the good guys use their laser guided.... um no. 

They used their 'good guy arm' thrown grenades to thwart Hitler's plot and save the day. We get to see a wax head in a jar melt a la Raiders Of The Lost Ark. And everyone laughs because there's nothing more enjoyable than a good afternoon of justifiable homicide.

Great toy for the kiddies!

AND I AM FINISHED WITH THIS MOVIE!!!! And for some reason, there are many, many references in movies, TV and songs connected with this stinker. There's no accounting for taste I guess.