Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


Dark Shadows (2013)

Ladies and gentlemen, dear readers, young children and old persons, please listen to my warning. There exists a danger to our very fiber of existence. It is a virus-like substance that could very well cause the end of cinema as we know it. That virus, usually spread by a total lack of brain activity, imagination, or creativity is called RE.

RE is a sneaky little virus that has been spreading like wildfire throughout the world, but especially in California, USA. What is RE? It is a nasty little bug that has lodged in people's brains, causing them to gather up large quantities of money, only to waste that money making movies that have already been made. Some several times before. In different countries.

When RE first started, people were starved for entertainment and so did not complain much. In fact, some enjoyed a new take on their favorite stories. I'm going to cheat a little here - why not? They do. In the wiki we can see that this trend began as early as 1910. So we have stories that have been told over and over throughout the decades.

Here's just a few: Sherlock Holmes, The Adventures of Tarzan, The Adventures of Robinson Crusoe, Buffalo Bill, Around the World In 18 Days, Daniel Boone, The Oregon Trail, The Three Musketeers, Flash Gordon, Dick Tracy, Zorro, The Lone Ranger, Buck Rogers, The Shadow, The Green Hornet, Batman, The Phantom, The Masked Marvel, Captain America, Superman, Commando Cody, and countless others.

Children as well as adults would tune in each week to, during the radio age, listen or, when television became popular, watch their favorite heroes and their many adventures. A lot of their heroes also had their own comic books. In the 70's, there was a rise in superhero TV shows. Whether this was from a lack of imagination, or to fill a need to always have a hero, there were several to choose from. 

But, movies were becoming more popular as the years went by. Soon, the stories that used to be enjoyed weekly, were now present on the silver screen. Stories such as Robinson Crusoe, Sherlock Holmes, Tarzan, the Three Musketeers, Flash Gordon, Dick Tracy, The Lone Ranger, Batman, Superman, etc. were being made and remade in surprising quantities.

Oh yes, our sneaky little virus. RE was discovered by some genius and I use that term loosely as a cheap and money-making way to snatch more dollars out of our pockets with a lot less effort. And they created new words to go with this new venture. You've probably heard them many, many times, especially in the last 10 years. Re-make, re-imagining, re-boot, re-cast, re-vamp, re-fashion, re-working, re-do, re-prise, re-write, re-set, re-create, re-invent, re-run, re-play, re-peat, re-animate, re-vive, re-name, re-applied, re-vision. These are all words with one meaning: Being freaking lazy.

I was going to list all the remakes, but since this practice started quite a few years ago and has crept its way into major circulation, here are some from 2010-2014:

Let's see... dammit there's a ton of 'em: About Last Night, Carrie, Clash of the Titans, Conan the Barbarian, The Crazies, Death at a Funeral, Dinner For Schmucks, Endless Love, Evil Dead, The Experiment, Footloose, Fright Night, Godzilla (for like the zillionth time), I Spit On Your Grave, Ice Castles, The Karate Kid, Let Me In, The Mechanic, Mother's Day, A Nightmare On Elm Street, Oldboy, Piranha, Red Dawn, RoboCop, Straw Dogs....

Dammit how'd THIS picture get in here?
I noticed the list was missing a few and found more: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, We Are What We Are, Lone Ranger, Maniac, The Great Gatsby, Total Recall, Silent Night, Halloween, Paranormal Activity (it doesn't really matter which one, since all are copies of each other), The Three Stooges, The Woman In Black.

There were also some that were the EXACT SAME DAMNED MOVIE except they were now showing it in 3D so you could pay roughly $20 more than you did the last time you saw it.

I'm not going to even go into what's coming up in 2015 - it's too freaking depressing.

Hmm? Oh, Dark Shadows wasn't on the list? That's 'cause I'm going to review it right now... uh, wait. Maybe I better write it after I take some aspirin and get a nap. Damn RE virus...