I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

HASBRO, THE MASSIVE WHORE, HAS PRODUCED THE HANDS-DOWN WORST MOVIE OF 2014 AND TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY HAS POINTED THE PLANCHETTE TOWARDS CHILDREN...

Ouija (2014)

I don't know why it is that the stupider the movie is, the harder it is for me to review it. Maybe because I read too much into it when it is what it is - massively stupid.

But this one takes the prize for worst movie of 2014 - hell, let's give it the worst for the decade. Found footage film? Nope. Shaky hand cam? Nope. Green night vision? Nope. The main problem with this movie is not that it's a 90 minute toy commercial (yes I know there have been a lot of those), but that this 'toy' they're trying to sell is dangerous. Not only are they trying to convey that this can be 'harmless fun', but the inevitable deaths of the movie duh teenagers in the movie are pushed as happening 'because they broke the rules'.


Oh Hasbro, you shameless whore. They made this movie and at the end we see "By Hasbro studios based on the Hasbro game of Ouija." NOOOOOO SHIT. You make a PG-13 movie for a game you deem safe for 'children 8 and up'. Nice.

The movie itself is totally predictable, if incredibly dry and... not scary. It's one of those movies that was so easy to map out that my Horror Movie Worksheet (patent pending) was filled out with very little changes before the first death. Oh yeah, people die here - no gore because this is obviously geared toward kids. After all, it's 'just a game', right? Those who die only do so by disobeying the rules, right? That doesn't mean the board is dangerous, right?

Hmm, they're adults and they seem a bit afraid of it. But then they werern't paid by Hasbro either. So.

If the game is so 'harmless', why are many people so very strict with the way the Ouija (they get really pissed if you say wee-gee) is used, list a ton of cautions about the potentially bad spirits that can appear and act incredibly frantic describing all kinds of supposed good juju to use to banish something that comes uninvited?

While we're on THAT subject, why would any parent want their kids to mess with something that could cause, in the best case scenario, several years of them crawling into bed with you or, if they're older, leaving all the lights on? Are you aware of who they may contact? Well...

So. Debbie played with a Ouija board with her friend Elaine when they were kids. She explains the rules very clearly:

• Never play alone
• Never play in a graveyard (cemeteries must be safe then, right?)
• Always say goodbye
• Circle the board once for each player
• Say, "As friends we gather, hearts are true, spirits near we call to you"
• Then say, "If there's a presence here please make yourself known"

Simple, right? These must be Hasbro rules, right? Umm, no. In fact, there are no solid 'rules' for, and I say this with bile rising in my throat, this "game". I found a PDF of an actual Hasbro Ouija box (never say I don't suffer for my readers) and the rules... ah hell, let's just say it's not what the movie said. If you go to different sites that proclaim they know all about these stupid things, they'll all give you different rules. Pfffft...

The point is that the phrases 'it's just a game', 'it's just for fun', 'they sell them at toy stores', and 'stop pushing it -  I'm not, you're pushing it' was repeated so often I cancelled the drinking game I set up for it 'cause even drinking pop instead of alcohol would have made somebody really sick. Or maybe it would be just from watching the movie.

So. Debbie, now a teenager, is playing the Ouija alone in her room. Uh oh, she broke a rule, she's gonna die. In a panic, she runs the board down to the furnace in the basement and burns the Ouija. Uh oh.

When she returns to her room, the Ouija board is innocently sitting, not even scorched, on her bed. That's 'cause Hasbro has thousands of these things they need to sell. She hangs herself, but to keep it festive for the kiddies, they have her hang herself with Christmas lights. Pretty.

But it brings up a question I have (not really, I don't give a shit, I'm just filling space). How come you can't burn a Ouija, but you CAN sell them to the highest bidder on eBay? Check it out - they've got every brand, year, and type imaginable with prices that go up to around $500. That's for a Fuld board - Fuld being the so-called 'inventor' of something that's been around in various forms since Bible times.

I wrote a brief history of these stupid things on my blog of April 29, 2014 so I won't go into great detail of these 'talking boards'. Just that they come in many forms and names to get around Fuld's patent and can be a simple as a glass on a wooden floor, if you're smart:

Okay, so you can be a part of the Idiocracy and still do this stupid and dangerous stunt.

Now Elaine is sad. Very, very sad. But she's not a blonde with big gazongas so nobody cares very much. But they all liked Debbie (a blonde with big gazongas) so they have a wake for her. Now remember, they're making this kid friendly, so you don't see horribly broken people sobbing like crazy, or Debbie lying in her coffin - just a bunch of nicely dressed people politely eating finger foods. How lovely.

Elaine never got to say goodbye. So going up into Debbie's room to pilfer all her expensive stuff... err I mean to sit and reflect on their friendship, she sees the board. Grabbing the board and planchette, she convinces the surviving group of friends to use it to say goodbye to Debbie.

Now there's four in the house - three girls, one guy. A triage ma trois according to the hubby (it was a slip of the tongue but I thought it was pretty funny). No, that doesn't mean anything, don't look it up. But since in stupid horror movies you gotta have five for a proper slaughter, they meet up with another boy who was kind of introduced during the wake scene but we don't really know any of these people except maybe Elaine and we don't give a damn about them either.

They gather around the dining room table. Now this is another quandary with this so-called 'game'. While some maintain that it is important to 'play' where you are secure and comfortable, others state to 'play' far away from where you are secure and comfortable because if something bad happens it ain't going to be so comfortable and you can't use that room no more for anything (except maybe torturing your younger sibling). Just kidding on that last bit. A little.

All put their fingers on the planchette, very lightly because everybody know that spirits are too weak to move plastic pieces of garbage (or fake wood, whatever) if you push down too hard. They're too weak to just talk to you and they're too weak to do anything else unless the script says they're strong enough to implode a house (Poltergeist). Why would they be weak?

They don't get an immediate response but that's okay, 'cause Hasbro says you should sit there very still for about five minutes to let the spirit have a chance to answer. FIVE MINUTES. If nothing happens, you need to try again... HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING, GET BACK HERE! Here's another little tidbit from yet another source: 

You are able to guard yourself from evil spirits by stating that only good spirits are welcome to communicate. Make certain that you are in control of the board and don't concentrate on any other paranormal activity within the room, such as knocks, bangs, tapping etc. By asking the spirits to use the board or leave, you are protecting everyone present.

Pfffft... okay, demons can be controlled by stern words and basically telling them 'If you won't follow the rules I'm taking my toys and going home'. Can you see why this is such a baaaad thing to promote to kids?

Finally they get a 'Hello' which apparently is the signal that scary things are coming. Who is it? It says 'D'. Well, of course that means 'Debbie', right? What does she have to say? Remember now, this is kid friendly so the message is: YOU WILL DIE IN A PUDDLE OF BLOOD AND YOUR EYES WILL BOIL IN YOUR HEAD AND DOGS WILL LAP UP YOUR BLOOD AS YOUR HEART BURSTS AND...

Whoops, sorry - got carried away. The message is, 'Hi friend'. They all get really scared, but it must be Debbie, 'cause best friends always want to scare the shit out of you. That's why your favorite grandma haunts you and makes you wet your pants, or your mommy hovers above your bed, making nasty sounds and dripping goo on you.. oh wait, that was the time she was trying to get you up for school and her hands were wet from doing dishes, sorry.

Okay, this was too funny not to use - sample questions to ask your new 'friend' according to one source that I will not name:

1. When did you live on this world? Are you from earth, or another planet? (I peed myself a little bit reading this one.)
2. What's the name of the city, place or area you used to live? ("Was it Candyland?")
3. What was your occupation? Did you have any hobbies? ("Besides mass murdering teenagers and little old ladies I mean?")
4. Is there something you would like to tell the group? ("Like go screw yourselves?")
5. Do you have a name? Did you have a nickname you prefer? ("I'm sorry - did you spell Legion? We met that one last time - is there anyone else?")
6. Do you know anyone present in the room? ("Besides Elvis and Santa Claus?")

It is not advised to ask questions about your own death or the death of another person (because demons really don't know but they can arrange it if you push 'em). Just because the Spirit Board says something, you must not believe this to be entirely true (for instance if they keep insisting they're from Narnia or Planet Neptune). To verify answers, you can ask the same questions twice at different intervals throughout the session (because demons just love to be treated as if they're morons).

So, to sum up, Ouija boards are completely harmless unless you break the rules and then you die, or an evil spirit shows up and you have to (???) to get rid of it, or it will speak to you but don't believe it 'cause it lies.

Wow. What fun.


Huh? Ooooh, the movie. One of the chicks is flossing her teeth and suddenly the floss turns to black string and her mouth is sewn shut. She panics, hits her head on the sink and dies. Two down.

Okay let's speed this sucker up since we all know how this is going to go. Elaine finds out that Debbie found the board in her attic along with some other weird stuff. The group is getting killed one by one so she better hurry up. Oh and each one finds, in a different form, the message 'Hi, friend.' Wow. That's... dumb. And it also means it doesn't matter where the hell you play with the board, whoever you contacted CAN follow you because there's no walls to a freaking Ouija board.

Through some Scooby sleuthing, Elaine finds that there was a mother and two daughters who held seances in Debbie's house (yes, Ouijas are used in seances too) and the girls were sort of used as conduits, as good mothers will do to their kids. One girl disappeared and the other killed her mother - and was sent to a sanitarium (NOT AN ABANDONED ONE? WHOA!) for the rest of her life. Elaine goes to talk to her.

She meets with the surviving daughter (a puzzling appearance by Lin Shaye, recently of the Insidious series) who explains that their mother was evil, and used the girls talents. Her mother sewed her sister's mouth shut then killed her and hid the body. She had to kill her mother. 

So Debbie broke two rules (according to the movie) - she used the board by herself and she used it in a graveyard. Wait just one damned minute. Because there's a dead body in the house that makes it a graveyard? I really don't think so. At most it would be a cemetery, since graveyards are next to churches (nobody gets that right) but if we don't just drop it and go on... So. Find the sister's body, cut open her mouth, and everything's okey dokey. Pfffft...


Well if you know how horror movies go, you know what happens next. Elaine finds the body, the 'spirit' of the mother tries to stop her, but the girl's mouth is 'freed'. But the whole story was a lie. It was the GIRLS who were evil (DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUMB!) and the mother managed to stop one but the other got her. So now the sister's spirit is free to wreak havoc. Or just reek.

Elaine is losing all her friends. No, they didn't get smart and go home, they're getting killed 'cause they're just as stupid as she is. Whether it's being possessed then dying or just being tricked into getting killed, I'm not even keeping count of the bodies. Most of all I just want this moment to end. Apparently Elaine (and her little sister) are Latina 'cause their Nana knows what to do to save their little souls from the evil sister who now is running amok. They've got to take BOTH the body AND the board and burn them together. Why would that work when the other sister is still alive... I really don't care.

So. Evil dead girl tries to get Elaine's sister. Elaine almost sacrifices herself to save her. Dead Debbie shows up to save the day (Elaine 'sees' her in the planchette window), and the evil girl is stopped, Debbie disappears again and the sisters are free to... see a therapist for the next twenty years.

But WAIT! The planchette is still in her room! Elaine looks through it and... and... and...

The end.

Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me.  G O O D B Y E