Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, November 13, 2014


I Took So Long The Seasons Changed

Yes, today (November 13) it has decided that it is now winter in the beautiful Columbia River Gorge in Oregon, which usually doesn't happen until January or so, if it happens at all. Of course, this one inch of white splendor may well be gone in the morning. If there is one thing about living in the Gorge I have learned is that seasons only happen when they damn well feel like it, and sometimes not at all.

We've had two-day springs before (that period between freezing weather and searing heat), and our falls can be gorgeous - tons of trees in every shade of green and orange and yellow that you can think of. For a little while. Then one day there's a blasting wind and BOOM - no more leaves, no more fall. That was a couple of days ago and now we have our first snow. Now we were supposed to get absolutely blitzed, but they tamed that down to just being 'dusted'.

So although I started this column in one 'season', I'm finishing it in another... but you're not surprised by that, especially if you've read even a few of my reviews.

That's OOP, NOT oops... I think...
I was thinking, which is always dangerous, about how much I depend on streaming services for my horror movies, although I do have a decent amount of DVD's in my collection that I'm pretty proud of. Since my brain won't let me clean up and publish all the reviews I have right now, I thought I'd list a couple of suggestions for those who want a decent horror movie collection without having a whole room full of 'em.

Then I came to my senses and thought hell, I HATE it when a horror 'expert' tells me what I should like and what I shouldn't - much less what I should own and what I shouldn't. I mean, I've found treasures that I personally adore that 'critics' called garbage. So why listen to me?

My advice which you can promptly forget if you want to: Get the movies you love. If you can't go a week without watching it, if just looking at the DVD cover makes you happy, if you have it 'cause you're crushing on an actor in it, or if you just have it 'cause it looked interesting, go for it. Don't think you have to have certain titles to have a 'respectable' collection and certainly don't let others determine for you what you spend your money on.

There are certain movies I will watch several times a week - and if I had to rent those, that would add up pretty fast. There are certain movies that aren't offered anywhere - because they weren't popular, or are old, whatever. I have a few that are OOP (out of print) that I really had to search for - but I love 'em.

So. Enough jabbering and let's look into someone else's brain pan for a bit:

After discovering the joys of Reddit (and the trolls, don't forget about those 'cause they're everywhere) I decided to ask a couple questions of my own. I was actually shocked and pleasantly surprised by the fast answers and promised to publish them as is (stories are in italics). Now some are here but I've taken so long, the rest will be on the next entry:

Does Anyone Actually Have One Of Those Dreams Where You Sit Up Gasping Or Screaming?

I've had a bunch. I once dreamed that an entire town had turned murderously rapist and were coming for my girlfriend of the time (now my wife). For some reason, Dream Girlfriend had become entirely intellectually vacant, and didn't realize what a terrible position we were in. I kept thinking it didn't matter as much if they caught me, so long as I was able to keep her safe.

Her new-found idiocy was making that difficult though. The entire dream consisted of me dragging her by the arm to different locales populated by increasing numbers of rape-happy townies. Every corner we turned, every dark hidey hole I led her into was quickly discovered and assailed by them.

Near the end, I tried to escape with her in a self-driving cab (dream tech, I guess). Much to my surprise, after I got in with her, the doors locked, and I realized one of the townies was in the backseat with us. I planted my fist in his face, but he shrugged it off and beamed back at me as if to say "I'm going to start with her." So I put my all into it, over and over again, with him smiling back at me like he was enjoying a light breeze.

With every smile he threw my way, I focused more and more; then, without warning, I broke that smile along with the majority of his teeth. He frowned, spittled out "shit" with a bunch of loose chiclet teeth and blood, and I used the distraction to unlock his door and boot him out of the cab.

So it was the end scene. The camera shifted to the outside, and I sat comfortably in the cab with my challenged girlfriend as we happily drove off into the wild blue yonder. Then, I realized that the cab didn't seem to be moving very quickly. Also, that it was made of cardboard. When I looked around, I realized that the wild blue yonder was painted like a set. Then the horizon fell over flat, and we found ourselves having been carted into a large gymnasium filled with everyone in the town. The doors were closed behind us by a wall of people.

The last thing that I got to experience was being ripped away from my girlfriend by an entire town, her stupid face frowning but not fully understanding what was going on as she was buried under a mass of writhing humanity. Gasping and wakefulness was had. - InDevitoVeritas

Now THAT would be a movie I'd pay to see - even in 3D!

Has Anyone Had An Interesting Lucid Dream? I Mean, The Kind Where You Look Around And Try To Remember Things Because You Definitely Know You Are Dreaming? 

1. Usually I become lucid the same moment I realize it's a nightmare. Last one I had I dreamt I was in my dorm room at night which also has a bathroom. I was in the bathroom preparing to go to bed when I look in the mirror and see a ghostly figure (low of stature with an actual white sheet over their head) and from the familiar feeling of gloomy dread that I get I know it's a nightmare.

I have a feeling I could have unveiled whatever was under there but I really didn't want to instead I immediately try to kick the ghost and yell loudly to seem intimidating which is a force of habit I've developed. But no sound comes from my mouth and my limbs feel heavy. I clumsily clash with the figure and it just disappears like it was nothing but a vision.

I make my way into the bedroom where the ghost is now stranding. It's at this point I decide to wake up. It was a silly monster but the feeling of dread and uneasiness from the unknown threat was real enough. - Sporocarp

2. I have them all the time. One of my favorites was where I found myself in a forest looking at a well. All I could think was "Why the f*** would that be there?" And then, Samara started crawling out of it. So I noped the f*** out. And ended up in another place entirely, far away from the creepy little girl. - annarchy8

What Is The Creepiest Thing A Doctor Ever Said To You? 

I asked this question because of my personal experience that happened just a couple of weeks ago. I went in for, uh, female things and the doc - also female - wanted to do a breast exam. Sigh. Many of you know how fun THAT is. I'm freezing in a paper top laying down and out of the blue the first thing she says is, "Who did your bellybutton?" Uh, what? I just looked at her and she continued, "I've never seen a bellybutton done like that, who did yours?"

Now if I was sharp and had all my wits about me I would have just shrugged and said, "God, I guess," or maybe "The doctor thought a smiley face would be cool to carve in a newborn's stomach." Instead I just stared at her wondering what the hell... I have no piercings so I had to ask - she said my bellybutton was, and I quote, "neither an innie nor an outie, it's just flat." Uh huh. Nurse, check please!

It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I never DID get that breast exam. Meh. I thought that had to be as creepy as it could get - but I was wrong. I guaranteed anonymity (I didn't want anyone embarrassed, and this way they could vent and not worry) and here's what I got:

1. Went to go my blood taken one of the nurses messed up, and my blood started shooting all over the place the doctor coincidentally came in and said "Ohh looks like we got a gusher!" when she stopped it. I found it funny as hell and a little ominous even though I'm pretty sure I could've died from blood loss.

2. The doctor who took over our family GP's practice after he retired when I was 12 spent more time during my first exam lecturing me about the dangers to my soul of playing Dungeons & Dragons than actually conducting the physical. 

He also diagnosed my great aunt, my mother, and me with anemia and prescribed a routine of vitamin shots - I'm not genetically related to either of them and wasn't feeling weak or tired, so the quack alarm started going off for me. 

I insisted on a second opinion from my pediatrician (who gave the expected diagnosis of no health problems aside from a nervous stomach), and ended up going back to him for all medical needs until I was 18.

Turns out the doc was indicted for child molestation when I was in high school, so not bothering to conceal my contempt for him may well have saved me from some very unpleasant experiences.

3. One therapist suggested I give up video games and take up butt plugs as a hobby. She had a doctorate in psychology.

Another therapist has been obsessed with my DNA, and specifically brings up the importance of my DNA every time I think we are going to talk about trauma recovery. She also has mentioned my bloodline, and wanted to know if I had blood work done, and if anything interesting came up in the test.

Not sure how that's going to help me with that 'can't sleep at night problem' I went there for originally.

4. "Thanks for letting me see that awkward mark, but I'm not a doctor."

5. Doctor said "Strip off, take your clothes off." I asked, "Where will I put them?" Doctor said "Put them on top of mine."
Miss Murder thinks that one is a little... creative.

6. While getting tested for an STD. My then-doctor pulls out an instrument that he intends to shove up the shaft of my manhood. I was nervous and timidly asked him how far he planned on sticking the instrument in. He chuckled to himself and then said "Not this far." while he motioned with his hand to his mouth and stuck his tongue to his cheek (in the manner of the age-old non-verbal reference to a blowjob).

It struck me as a rather odd and unprofessional time for a b.j. reference . Needless to say I have had plenty of laughs about it since. I also had an occurrence years later doing another STD test with a female nurse alone. But the things we did belong in a totally different subreddit. Ok that was a little TOO creative...

7. Well when I was younger my doctor's name was Dr. Weiner, so that's creepy as it is.

8. One time I went in to get a series of different shots. She gave me a couple of shots, then she got a concerned look on her face and told me to hold on a minute. She left the room, and I could hear her talking to the other nurses. (I don't remember the names of the shots.) She says, "Is it safe to give shot a and shot b at the same time?" All the other nurses just said that they're not sure and mine responds with, "Oh well, I'll just give them in separate arms." Miss Murder personally marks this one as her favorite...

9. My doctor once took a picture of my vagina and showed it to me (he was explaining something and figured the visual would help) he then accidentally swiped and I saw a disgusting vagina. He locked his phone and put it away...

10. I went in for some back pain, and he kept blaming it on my chest. Sure I'm gifted in the chestorial region, but I was NOT expecting him to say things like "really, really HUGE breasts." He even said "GIANT BOOBS." It was beyond skeezy. He's not some brand new, fresh-out-of-school young punk - he's been practicing for over 20 years...

11. I had a rash of spots that suddenly appeared across my chest. When I asked my doctor what it was he told me to Google it, after which he gave me medication for it. Miss Murder thinks we both go to the same doctor - she had one that told her if her infection got worse, to 'go see a doctor' - and he was WHAT exactly?

12. He Told Me Typing Like This Means You Are Going To Die Soon. I've Been Scared For Years. Miss Murder found that very funny, smartass.

13. He told me my blood matched my nail polish.

14. Before I had insurance I would go to the county clinic for birth control. They are always very nice but once during an exam the nurse asked me how many kids I had (I had none at the time). When I told her, she said "By the size of your cervix I'd guess you had at least 3." ...Never before or since have I had comments about the size of my cervix.

More coming up, I promise...