UMM... DO I HAVE THE WRONG SEQUEL HERE? IT SAYS IT'S THE RIGHT ONE, HAS THE SAME MAIN CHARACTERS AS THE FIRST ONE BUT WE HAVE OH-SO-MANY THINGS THAT ARE OH-SO-WRONG ABOUT THIS MOVIE THAT IT JUST CAN'T BE...

Død Snø 2 aka Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead (2014) Iceland

Let's turn our wayback machines to the year 2009. In those days children, I actually READ MAGAZINES to find out what new music and movies were coming. Geez, those pages were sooooo heavy. In a small ad in a music magazine they had Død Snø, and oh did I want to see it. But finding it? Pffft... it was nowhere to be found - at least back when I wasn't quite as savvy as finding films as I am now.

Hmm? Oh, I just picked
this one at random...

Nazi zombies? Are you kidding? As long as there was no Hitler head in a jar-o I wanted to see it and was panting in anticipation... uh wait, no, that was the high blood pressure meds making me hyperventilate and get sick... it wouldn't have done me any good anyway. The film was a Norwegian horror film, and, at least back then, foreign films were slow coming to the American general public, unless you had the bucks to go to film festivals.

When almost two years later I finally got my hands on a copy of Død Snø (Dead Snow) I watched it once. I twitched. I watched it twice. It took me six months to get rid of the tick that developed in my face and no, I'm not talking about insects.

You've got 30-something people (and I know they were that old 'cause it gives their ages in the second movie) going up during Easter break (They have an Easter break?) from medical school (they'll be about 60 before they become doctors at this rate) up this mountain near Øksfjord. I have to trust that's correct because the film is in Norwegian, dubbed into English.


Gallons of blood and miles of taffy pulling follow in both movies. Hmm, have I ever explained what a taffy pull is? Well, on my Horror Movie Review Worksheet (patent pending), a taffy pull is when a zombie goes straight for what one would think the last thing anyone would want to eat in a human - their intestines. 

But intestines can be used over and over (who's gonna know) and I have to admit there were some creative use of taffy pulling in both of these movies. In fact, Død Snø 2 wins for Most Creative Taffy Pulling of 2014, even if it defied the laws of gravity and physics (and it was icky too). I must warn you - it's nasty so...

I was kind of disappointed in Død Snø but I figured it was probably because I had to wait so long and probably also because not every special effects person can be like Tom Savini. I had to admit though the ending was a bit surprising and I don't have to worry about any spoilers 'cause it's the beginning of this movie. The difference between the first and second? The first was a fairly good, serious zombie movie. 

The second mess was a lot of nonsense that should have been called 'The Three Stooges Meet A Hell Of A Lot O' Zombies' because nasty and not making any sense but trying to be funny was what this movie was. That sentence I just typed made no sense whatsoever. Now you know how I feel.

At the end of the first and the beginning of the second movie, lone survivor Martin makes it to his car sans his right arm. As he's trying to get the keys in the ignition with his left arm, he drops a gold coin. If you saw the first movie, that's what it was all about - a freaking small box of gold that the Nazis were 'hiding' in the cabin these 'kids' were using.

I mean, we're talking the size of a shoe box - well, okay, a box for boots. That's it. But Oberst Herzog, leader of these miraculous frozen-since-WWII-yet-warm-enough-for-steam-to-come-out-of-their-mouths Nazis wants every last bit so the last of the movie is him smashing the driver's window. The beginning also shows another soldier smashing the passenger window so Martin is pretty much in deep shit.


The shock has transmogrified Martin from being a Norwegian-speaking native of Norway to a perfect English speaking Norwegian living in Iceland. He also speaks in that kind of monotone that makes you slap your forehead (don't do that, it hurts and leaves a mark). 

He talks about how it was all supposed to be so much fun - a bunch of young people on break from school (I SAW the ages dude - 31 and up is an ADULT dumbass). Just a romp in the mountains and BAM, they're attacked by a bunch of frozen Nazi zombies. He then says "I know that sounds like a cliche'."

I slapped my forehead so hard I lost consciousness and so I had to take a day off before continuing... No, frozen Nazis ruining your Easter break is no more a cliche' than 'It's like rain on your wedding day...' is ironic. I won't print the name of the person who did that song, but she knows who she is.

But he gets the car started, somehow gets it in gear and takes off. Herzog hangs on for his very life (that was a joke, please laugh now) as Martin careens through the snow trying to get away. Martin finds an 18-wheeler and purposely skids along the side, dislodging Herzog and leaving behind Herzog's right arm in the car.

Groaning is now allowed - it's okay, I'll wait. Martin wrecks the car in movie-duh style and wakes in the hospital. He is under arrest for the murder of his friends. Well, to be fair, he DID embed a small ax into the neck of his girlfriend. Here's a tip - NEVER sneak up on your boyfriend when he's hip deep in frozen Nazis.

This has been a Zombie Public Service Announcement

But Norway has an excellent medical system - they somehow believe Herzog's severed seventy-five-plus year old arm (which is still partly frozen and in a German uniform) belongs to Martin - so now it does (you may roll your eyes if you wish but not at me mister or they'll be rolling on the floor). Good thing they handcuffed the sewn-on arm 'cause it's pissed to be on a Norwegian and it keeps fighting.


After a mishap with a police officer and a small boy (please don't ask) Martin gets away and discovers that Herzog and his frozen crew came off the mountain and somehow didn't just decompose instantly. Why? They've got their shoebox of gold, right? Well, in Norway, the rules of zombie etiquette is that not only do you want everything you can get and believe is yours (Where are they gonna spend it?), but you need to finish every piece of unfinished business you were supposed to do when you were alive.

Herzog attempts and fails to raise a
whole graveyard... guess they were too busy.

In Herzog's case, he was supposed to destroy the town of Talvik as directed by Hitler himself. Since they didn't bother to translate the German, from what I could push from my little brain and a bad translator is that basically they have a doctor in this movie (?!?) who was able to transmogrify (yeah I know I used this word already) Martin's arm to replace Herzog's. 

The doctor tells Herzog they need warm bodies for recruits. I think. Umm, what? This involves smashing people to death but not bad enough so that they cannot get back up and fight. No, I'm not going to explain how that would work in any shape or form.

I wonder which one was Curly...

Martin gets to a German museum just minutes ahead of Herzog and finds out about the 'master plan'. We get a brief Three Stooges moment as Glenn the curator, openly gay and openly mocked 'cause this is Norway, and Martin, dressed as soldiers, pretend to be statues while the Nazis breathe in their faces (I'm guessing), just daring them to blink.

If you notice (or even care) Glenn with all the makeup, you'll realize that he actually played Roy in the first Død Snø. He dies in both movies. Bummer.

His very first zombie kill. Unfortunately it's
not the zombie's first death and
he has several more waiting for him.

This is their official logo. Your results may vary...

They also meet the American Zombie Squad. It is three 'nerds' who work out of their parent's house. The minute they get to Norway they clean out a hardware store 'cause there's no guns in Norway (yeah, right). 

And then this happens:

Yeah yeah, I know, how horrible - what a terrible waste of ammo!



The other two zombie hunters and the doomed curator try to slow down Herzog with homemade bombs and having the 'new' zombies chase the curator around because, umm, they had to make the movie last until they had 90 minutes worth?

Anywho... They have to save this movie... umm I mean Talvik so Martin figures out that hey, if Herzog can raise the dead... he goes to a frozen mountain pass where Herzog and his men had slaughtered a Russian POW group they had made dig a mountain pass. He brings them to life because... umm... Herzog's arm forgot where it was? 'Cause it's not trying to strangle people anymore and... oh man I've got a headache. But on the way they get stuck and this happens.

I'm a woman and I know the guy is supposed to be dead anyway but oh bloody freaking hell... but this scene has to win the 2014 Practical Use Of A Zombie award. Let's see The Walking Dead try something like that!



Anywho, to keep this slaughter party going, Martin has to raise all the Russians killed here (Nobody bothered to give them a proper burial? Remind me never to go to Norway...) so since Herzog's arm is now buddies with the rest of Martin's body, he does the same thing Herzog tried to do and... and... geez. 

This was a looooong way out, they have ONE small car and the much-abused zombie is already in the backseat, how the freaking hell did they get the Russian zombies back to... whoops, sorry, looking for logic there. Forgot why I was here. I think I'm developing a brain tumor.

But they show up really fast so this movie can get even more bloody before it ends. What I wanted to know was, why did all the Russians look like gingers? I have absolutely no problem with guys with red hair (mine's red) but ALL these guys had red hair and beards. Was that their preferred look?
Do we care?


The final fight: A whole bunch of Russians against Herzog, the Nazis he has left, and the others he 'recruited'. Sigh. About the only funny part (because I guess they decided to make this a 'funny' zombie movie, I just wish they had clued us in ahead of time) was when the zombies got gutted and were out of intestines, the 'doctor' just grabbed straw and we had a little 'The Wizard Of Oz' action going on. And... that's about it.

The end? Really? You want to know? Sigh - okay. Herzog confronts Martin, their two re-attached arms have a passionate affair and pop off both bodies and slither away... okay, okay that didn't happen. But that would have been a better ending - at least in my opinion.

Herzog discovers the Nazis lost the war. He's standing on a car, the tank directly behind him and doesn't hear the cannon moving to aim directly at the back of his head. That's 'cause the American Zombie Squad leader got in the tank, shot both operators (which would have rendered him instantly deaf but we won't go into that) and, somehow knowing how to work a WWII tank, he aims the cannon and shoots Herzog's head off. Now I say "off" instead of "apart" because... that's what happened, okay? 

Then... umm... I really don't want to type this but at least I won't show any pictures. Martin goes to his girlfriend's grave, digs her up and they, umm, do stuff that makes the car rock while the zombie-of-many-deaths watches. I think I'm going to be sick. ROLL CREDITS!

OH BLOODY HELL THEY'VE GOT AN EPILOGUE AT THE END OF THE CREDITS!!!!

Now, when the 'chiefs' of each side got wasted, all their zombies instantly died too (although I don't know why the Russians did since their leader was Martin and he was still alive, but...) and of course Herzog's head probably travelled about half a mile.


Our last scene is the doctor, who somehow did NOT die when Herzog did (again), finds Herzog's intact head and... IF HE PUTS THAT FRIGGIN' HEAD IN A JAR, I QUIT!!!

LIFEPOINTS - MAKE THEM AVAILABLE TO THE DESERVING AND TAKE THEM (OR ACCEPT DONATIONS) FROM THOSE WHO EITHER DON'T APPRECIATE THEM OR JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH HAVING THEM ANYMORE...

I Don't Know - But I'll Bet Jails Would Be A Lot Emptier

Pardon the brief and somewhat depressing entry - Miss Murder is in a mood (no I'm not going to talk in the third person) but I was thinking:

I hate hearing of people, especially children, who never get a chance to see what a 'normal' life is because of various diseases or disabilities.



And I think of those of us who sometimes wish our lives would just disappear, and those who don't appreciate what they have and try to take it from someone else. I mean, the United States only has 4.4 percent of the world's population, yet as of 2013, the incarceration rate of the United States of America was the highest in the world, at 716 per 100,000 of the national population. 

We ALL know he's out of credits...

While the United States represents about 4.4 percent of the world's population, it houses around 22 percent of the world's prisoners. Imprisonment of America's 2.3 million prisoners, costing $24,000 per inmate per year, and $5.1 billion in new prison construction, consumes $60.3 billion in budget expenditures.

I think Matt Groening was on the right track, but movies like Idiocracy and In Time (one movie I haven't actually seen yet but it's on my list, even though dystopian futures isn't exactly horror - just unpleasant at best) are closer - the better you live, the longer you live (in Idiocracy I think a 'dude' is included in there somewhere).

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to (briefly) say that if it were possible, I would give away more than enough credits today and that's all I have. Sorry. Here's something cheery:

Okay so that wasn't so cheery... but it was FREAKING sweet! 

THOSE WHO MAKE CERAMIC DOLLS SHOULDN'T THROW STONES... ISN'T THAT HOW THE EXPRESSION GOES? NO? OH, WELL THEN, THROW ALL THE FREAKING STONES YOU WANT BECAUSE THIS MOVIE DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE A REVIEW...

Annabelle (2014)

Okay, you knew this was coming, didn't you? I mean hey, the Amityville Horror is once again being considered 'factual' even though there are very little facts (and very little still-living witnesses) about what was claimed, written about, and eventually filmed.

This is (as of February 14, 2015) the highest grossing horror film of all time. What the hell is wrong with you people? Yeah, a lot of you thought the movie sucked, but you ain't gonna get your money back, are you? The doll they used has got to be the most freaking ugly thing I've ever seen. Can you imagine buying this monstrosity, much less putting it in a nursery with your newborn child? That's an express ticket to raising a psycho serial killer. But that's not my point and no, I refuse to review this piece of shit.


Interesting how during the Amity craze the Warrens were the best thing since... well, nothing. Then, as time went by, what a shock to find that MOST (they are willing to say that at least) of the happenings in the book about the house in Amity and in the movie WERE EXAGGERATED OR JUST PLAIN MADE UP. The priest never was 'chased' out of the house, the Lutzs themselves later backtracked on a lot of what they claimed, and also contradicted themselves on numerous occasions.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/ghosts/amityville.asp

But the idiots ruling Hollywood, bereft of original ideas and going for the easy sell, decided to use the fact that time has passed and people have forgotten for the most part the fact that the Warrens were discredited by 'experts' on numerous occasions. The Warren's findings were suspect, and, if they claimed they made no money off of the whole mess, well that was a huge freaking lie too.

But.

Wait... that ain't no doll... what movie is this?

The Warrens, who always claimed to be so-called 'demonologists' have this room in their house full of objects with particularly evil demonics in them. Okay people, demonic is a adjective, not a noun, kay? Everybody on the same page? A demon is, as I've said countless times, merely an angel that has disobeyed God, therefore, why the ever loving shit would they think that such a powerful being could be 'trapped' in anything? 

In The Conjuring, Mr. Warren explains that they keep these objects in one room and a Catholic Priest blesses it (some sources say once a month, some say twice) to prevent any escapes, I guess. That would indicate that all demons are afraid of Catholics, which makes the rest of the world fair game, I suppose. Of course they don't bother to LOCK the door even though they have a child who is very curious as a child would be about a room full of objects that she is never supposed to touch.


ALSO in The Conjuring, Mr. Warren tells the two nurses who have the doll that there never WAS an Annabelle. This little tidbit true or false had to be changed or this movie would contradict itself. Although it already does. And it's stupid. And the people involved are mentally challenged. Or, since everything is fiction anyway and nothing has any solid foundation in fact, they can pretty much change the stories around as they see fit and as they see dollar signs. Tell you what? Wanna see a REALLY scary movie with dolls? Got one for ya - Dead Silence (2007). That one still gives me the creeps, even if Donnie Wahlberg plays an annoying cop who has to follow the dude through the movie (but he dies so that's okay).

Quick overview: Two hippies, a guy and a girl from the 60's go on a slashing spree (To imitate Manson? They don't say). They first murder the neighbors then go after the couple expecting their first child. The woman says 'I like your doll' before slashing her own throat for Hollywood reasons. A drop of blood hits the doll in the face and sucks into her eye. The name of the female slasher? Annabelle. Suck on that you stupid Hollywood idiots!

Now in The Conjuring we had a music box. For Annabelle, we had a doll (although it was nothing like the real one). Have you seen pictures of this so-called room of 'demonics'? Hollywood is going to be making millions for as many years as people can put up with the weak tales of the Warrens and their little toys. 

Demons are fallen angels. How the... ugh. How could they be 'stuck' anywhere? A glass case is supposed to hold this particular 'demonic' as they call it, in a doll? Wow, demons are real weaklings then - why should ANYONE be afraid of them?

If you've ever seen the Warren's "official" website (and I wouldn't bother - the only reason I did was to see what it was for and it's mainly to sell tickets for tours), you'll get a taste of how intelligent these people really are (yes I know Mr. Warren is deceased, but I'm sure there's a whole group hanging on Mrs. Warren's every word). This sentence appears on the face page:

Bare witness to a Raggedy-Ann doll which is responsible for a death of a young man

So. What this sentence is telling me is that they don't know how to spell, they don't know proper grammar, and they apparently don't believe in punctuation either. 

Imagine how shocked I was <sarcasm bubbling to the floor>.

And that's all I have to say about that and any other ridiculous Warren movies they make about these freaking so-called demonic toys.

UNTIL.... DUH DUH DUMMMMMMMM!!!!! Sources are saying that the next piece of shit from Mrs. Warren (and her accountants) will be The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Haunting. It's about two chicks in England who are supposedly possessed. Lorraine personally herself, CROSS HER HEART AND HOPE TO THE GOD WHO'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLY PISSED IF SHE DOESN'T KNOCK THE SHIT OFF, witnessed them levitate.

No of course I didn't just jump off my bed, I'm floatin'...

The movie will be in 2016 so if you're insisting on watching more crap, better start cashing in your 401K's because this is only the beginning folks...

SINCE I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I'M GONNA COPY HOLLYWOOD AND JUST PRINT OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF... BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT BECAUSE I KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG (HINT HINT)...





Creepy Children

To me, all children are creepy. Maybe it's because I never had any of my own, maybe because I watch how they interact with their parents and siblings as if they own them, I dunno. When you're very small, very strange stuff can come out of your mouth. Mine is half true, half made up. Care to guess which part is which?

Miss Murder: When I was young my father liked to tell the tale of the time he woke up in the dead of night because of a woman at the foot of his bed was staring at him. This happened several times before he told his mother about it. After describing her, she told him that the woman was her mother, who died before he was born. I never told him how mad his grandmother always looked standing behind him when he told that story.

The following is NOT to be taken seriously, just consider it as some creative writing by adults who suffer from a lack of sleep due to having small ones (or having to babysit small ones):



My five-year-old at the time had night terrors and would scream in her sleep. One night I said, "Mama's here, it's okay." She looked right at me still asleep and screamed, "Mama? But who is that behind you?"

"A few years ago, I was putting my friend's daughter to bed for the night. She was about 3 at the time, and she was at that stage where she'd regularly fight going to sleep. She asked me why she had to go to bed, and I said, "Because it is late and it's time for little girls to get a good nights rest." She then pointed at nothing across the room and said, "What about that little girl?"

When my kid was four, we were watching a documentary on the Titanic. The scene was a picture of the boiler room and the camera panned from left to right. He pointed at the TV and said, "That's wrong. The boilers were on the other side, and I was right here." He pointed to a small space in the boiler room. "That's where I was. And that's why I don't like water now."

When my brother was little he acted like he had angels talking to him every second. One day my mom overheard him saying, "I can't kill him! He's my only dad!"

"I lost my boyfriend to a stray bullet a few months back and when I went to visit his little cousin a few days after it happened, he came up to me while I was crying. He asked me why I was crying and so I told him that I missed my boyfriend. He had this confused look on his face and then said, "Why? He's sitting on the doorstep."


My son told me in the sweetest of voices, in a consoling tone..."Don't worry mommy, I'll never murder you."

I was babysitting overnight. Both kids sleep walk and talk in their sleep. The oldest was crying in his sleep, got up, and locked himself in the bathroom. It took a while to get him out. I ended up sleeping on the couch. In the middle of the night I woke up feeling like someone was watching me. He was standing next to the couch. I said, "what are you doing?" His response? "The man watches you when you sleep." And then he walked back to bed. I didn't go back to sleep.

MISS MURDER HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW THE GRAMMYS WERE ON TONIGHT SO... HERE'S THE STORIES BEHIND THE THIR13TEEN GHOSTS MOVIE...

Incredibly Lazy? You Bet!

When I did my little list of people and movies I didn't recognize, I honestly didn't know that tonight was Grammy Night so I thought I'd take another whack at it and see if I could recognize who was photographed on the red carpet this evening:

Umm, when you see Lady Gaga next to Tony Bennett and realize they did an album together (and they won), you kind of lose your reason for living so... here's the origins behind the 13 ghosts of the remake - even if you never wanted to know...

The First-Born Son

The Angry Princess

The Bound Woman

The Dire Mother

The Great Child

The Hammer

The Jackyl

The Juggernaut

The Pilgrimiss

The Torn Prince

The Torso

The Withered Lover

Yes, there's twelve, you have to watch the movie to find out why...

You know I thought this was going to be easy and nice and lazy but the damned thing took hours. Figures.

MISS MURDER TAKES A QUICKIE 'DO YOU KNOW NEW MOVIES, SINGERS AND TV SHOWS...' QUIZ AND FAILS...

I don't know her, don't know him,
don't know him, don't know... is that a her?

Who Are You?

There's been a few award shows recently (and my recently might reach back months so don't worry if you think you missed one) and I realized that I don't know anybody in movies or music anymore.

So this is a quickie quiz on names of singers, actors, and movies that I keep hearing and my quick assessment of who (or what) they are:


Channing Tatum: Boxer!


A Million Ways To Die In The West: A huge history book on the 1800's that no one wants to read for some reason.


Jake Gyllenhaal: Oh come one, you made that one up!


Katy Perry: Umm, Steve Perry's sister? Daughter? Oh, and something about a shark...


One Direction: When the street you're driving on has a solid white line.

Gerard Way: I don't know man, I used to know who he was, he was a 30's something family man with a kick ass rock band, but somebody turned him into a grey (dyed, I swear that boy changes his hair color even more than I do - probably why he keeps it so short now) haired teenager singing British Pop so...





Coldplay: Oh yeah, I used to do that all the time on school snow days.


Bring Me The Horizon: Something Donald Trump says when he's too lazy to get out of bed to see the sun rise.


Ariana Grande: A bittersweet coffee found at Starbucks.


Guardians Of The Galaxy: They're going to have to stop those movies, I don't think Robert Downey Jr. can take much more of that heavy suit.


The Pretty Reckless: Damn those kids and their loud, fast cars - this is a neighborhood! Slow down!


Scarlett Johansson: A character from Gone With The Wind.


In Bloom: One of my fave Nirvana songs.


Bradley Cooper: He's a news anchor for CNN.


Jude Law: I have to assume he's some sort of musician or something.


Adele: A type of facial tissue, I think, for people who cry over breakups.

The Hunger Games: Taking my grandmother to an all-you-can-eat buffet and see how much she stuffs into her purse.


Iggy Azalea: Oh, is he still around? Used to listen to my mother's albums of him when he was with The Stooges.


Ryan Gosling: Umm, wasn't he on 'Saved By The Bell'?


Meghan Trainor: An expensive workout they offer at gyms.


Demi Lovato: Wasn't she once married to Ashton Kutcher?


Lorde: A hair care product to give your style fullness, bounce, and lots of money. Either that or Stan's father on South Park.


The Theory Of Everything: Made famous by Albert Einstein, I think.


John Wick: I think he's the guy who started the Wikipedia.


Force Majeure: I'm not sure - all I saw was a guy in high heels and makeup yelling in three or four languages so I gave up.

To Be Takei: A sad documentary on the effects of Alzheimers when people forget their names.


Lucy: A woman who has some 'splainin' to do.


Frozen: My favorite Madonna song. I had that one on a single cassette (I shit you not, there used to be cassette SINGLES to replace the good ole' 45's...).




The Walking Dead: Me, of course.

SO... UMMM MISS MURDER? YOU ARE GETTING REVIEWS SUBMITTED HERE MORE REGULARLY AGAIN. IF YOU'RE FEELING BETTER, HOW 'BOUT DOIN' SOME MOVIES THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE - OR EVEN BETTER, SETS OF MOVIES PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO SEE, OR SOMETHING THAT'S A CLASSIC... OR JUST TELL US IN THIRTY WORDS OR LESS IF A MOVIE IS GOOD?

Not me yet, but soon... soon...

Okay, Okay, Just Relax Guys

Unfortunately, the rise or fall of the amount of reviews I publish have little to do with how I feel. Sometimes I feel... better and don't want to sit looking at a computer screen. Other times I'm so miserable that breathing is a chore and I find that I've put two or three reviews up anyway.

Change the way I rate movies? No. I could simply say that this is MY blog and I'll do what I wanna but that's not very nice. Accurate, but not nice.


I have enjoyed other styles of reviews - remember Joe Bob Briggs? You better, 'cause he's still alive and kicking and enjoying his movies. I liked that he 'counted' things that he thought were important like, well, boobs. The best movies seemed to have an odd number of boobs in them - when he reports there were "19 boobs" you've gotta wonder - what happened to the 20th? He also reported a lot of the violence as "Foo". For example, if you have college girls fighting each other with pillows, Joe Bob would translate that as "Seven boobs and feather fu." I miss his programs - have no idea where to find 'em.

Elvira was mildly amusing. She of course was more for the, umm, male population with her sultry delivery (and how the hell does she look so good when she's got to be at least.. never mind) and sly remarks during the movie itself.

Roger and Ebert were your go-to guys if you just wanted the bare facts and then have fun watching two middle aged men fight over whether the gore was over-the-top or not sloppy enough.

And the undisputed champions of the bad horror movie review crew: MST3K. Joel (and later Mike) and his two robot buddies joked their ways through the most horrible movies ever put to celluoid. There were even non-horror movies, such as PSM's or those Information-Disguised-As-Long-Commercials they used to show us in school as kids. I could never be that good. Besides, unless you're watching the movie, saying something nasty about a line or a mistake is kind of lame.

So.

So no, I'm not doing better, just kind of determined that no matter how bad things get, I need to just keep trying to amuse and entertain people with my take on horrible (and, believe it or not, sometimes good) horror movies. And as I've said before, I'm staying with horror movies because my twisted sense of humor enjoys the fake screams and bad special effects.

So.

What do I watch myself? Well, despite my physical looks (which no one will ever see if I can possibly help it) I don't eat a whole lot. When you feel despondent and horrible, eating isn't a priority. In fact, the last doctor I saw said if I don't eat at least four times a day, it would only get worse. Funny, but she didn't specify what 'it' was. Was 'it' my weight? My mood? My health? Meh.

So.

And why is it that doctors are so freaking blind and deaf to their patients? Okay, that doesn't apply to all, but way too many of them work their offices like a cattle run - push one in, spend five minutes, push it out while their nurse pushes the second one in...

So.

And why, when you suffer from a condition where you very rarely even can leave the house, take care of yourself, etc., the terribly clever idea of their is inevitably to do something impossible? Can't leave your home and driving is hard - even for small distances? Well, you should join a gym or a swimming pool and take exercise classes. 

Can't even get out of the house long enough to go to the store and get the food you're not eating? Eat four times a day. Trying to do something extremely simple such as washing dishes, clothes, or your bathroom makes your back and legs hurt so badly it sends you to bed for at least a day? Go out and walk a mile each day and you'll feel better. Really?

So.

Close your eyes. Open them. See how stupid that was? How could you open your eyes when you were told to close them? How did you know when to open them again? That's kind of what dealing with so-called health professionals is like.

So.


Since I don't eat much, junk food or otherwise, I have movie junk food. Those are the movies I put on like others will turn on the TV or play their CD's. While they play I either veg with a game or try to write a column. What do I watch and why? Yes, I know you really didn't ask but hey, closing this page is super easy so you don't have to read if you don't wanna.

So.

The Legend Of Hell House (1973): The movie is based on a story by Richard Matheson (who we lost last year, sadly) about four people investigating the 'Mt. Everest of haunted houses', the Belasco house. It brings up the theory of EMR, electromagnetic radiation. This is what was considered to trap residue 'energy' from people who inhabit houses.

If the people were particularly nasty, there'd be a lot of it, causing 'phenomenon'. It was thought that reversing the polarity would dissipate whatever EMR was causing Poltergeist-like activity. Today they say electromagnetic frequencies (EMF) - it's a tool used by electricians but supposedly it also detects whether there is a plethora of ghostly nasties about. It was an interesting idea and I probably play it three or four times a week.

John Dies At The End (2012): This plays at least twice a week. It made me an instant fan of David Wong, Rob Mayes, and a book that is about 1,000% more complicated than the movie but still a freaking good read (and don't forget the sequel). I still use them as my cover picture and I know I've got to put something original up there that more accurately represents this column, but meh.

The Haunting Of Whaley House (2012): Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. So why watch it? Well, I've gotten some of my best lines from the dumbest of movies, and this is a prize example. Someone wrote as a review that this was so "well researched". Pfffft... see, there IS a Whaley House in San Diego, California that is considered to be haunted and several of the family members, a convict who was hanged there, and a little girl with unknown ties to the family are said to have haunted the place but that's where the 'true' part ends. 

In real life the family was very good to the people of San Diego - they even allowed businesses, plays, movies, and other activities to take place in the house. They were generous and did not deserve this movie treatment. In the movie the family is evil, although the kid's 'psychic' keeps assuring them 'No, no, they're just desperate.' Umm what? It's one of those types of movies so ridiculously stupid that you can't help chuckling at it. I watch it a couple times a month.

Shaun Of The Dead (2004): Beautifully done, clever as hell (especially all the zombie movie references), and funny. 'Nuff said. I watch it once or twice a month.

Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn (1987): I watch this one more than the original for one reason only - it's on Netflix and I don't have to go through my DVD's to find it. No matter how many times I watch it (saying the lines with the characters, a habit that drives my hubby nuts) I find a new little nugget, and if Bruce Campbell actually doing a flip without help isn't impressive enough, you're not paying close enough attention. I watch this I think around twice a week. In fact, it's on this very minute.

Bad Kids Go To Hell (2012): This is a new fave, because it's just a little smarter than the average teen slasher flick, it's still really, really dumb, but it has several pretty good lines in it that I've put in my horror movie archive that I keep for other films later. I'd say I watch this one maybe two or three times a week.

Well, there's a ton of others on my junk movie list, but it's time for me to eat - that Miso soup isn't going to stew for a whole 60 seconds by itself... oh, wait...