I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU COMBINE AN AUTHOR WHO DEFINITELY USED DADDY'S REPUTATION TO GET HIS BOOK PRINTED AS WELL AS MADE INTO A MOVIE, HAVE AS YOUR MAIN STAR A MAN WHO'S SPENT MOST OF HIS YOUNG LIFE IN FRONT OF A CAMERA, AND THE STUPIDEST STORY YOU'VE EVER HEARD THAT CAN'T EVEN TELL WHETHER DEMONS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL OR NOT?

Horns (2013) Canada/USA

You'll have to excuse me for the excess of sarcasm I feel coming on reviewing this TWO HOUR movie. I do NOT claim to be someone who knows everything about the Bible, but I DO know enough that there are no such things as humans being turned into GOOD demons that go around solving murder mysteries (Maybe we can call them 'The Horned Scooby Doo Mysteries').

The movie is set in Seattle Washington but as a resident of the Pacific Northwest, I knew in ten seconds we were looking at Canada. In fact, I was so confident, I swore I would eat gravel if I was wrong. I am happy to say that my Miso soup was quite good this morning.

It wasn't much of a secret...

THEN I find out that this is from a novel, also called Horns, written by Joe Hill. Pffft... Joe Hillstrom King is more accurate. As in Stephen King's son? As in he held a golden ticket to print any piece of crap he decided to pound out on his laptop in Starbucks?

So. Our movie. Ig (short for Ignacious, one of a freaking ton of religious themes in this pile) Perrish (Parish?), played by Daniel Radcliffe is, as he is in every freaking movie he's in, a nice guy. He's in love with a nice girl named Merrin (dumb Exorcist reference and played mostly in flashbacks by Juno Temple) - they've been together since they were kids. He's prepared to propose to her but for some reason, she instead cries and runs off. He proceeds to get totally wasted, passes out, and finds out the next morning she's been raped and killed and Ig is the prime suspect.

Okay, what's the forensic evidence say? Nothing - because someone burned down the... uh... forensic evidence building? What, was it some sort of hidden cabin in the woods that no cops ever attend to?

This is the kind of crap this movie is full of. Oh, and if you're Catholic - umm, well, I think people of every religion would think this movie was full of shit.

Ignacious is now starting to grow demon's horns. Let's start with the definition of a demon. A demon is an angel that has been rejected by God for disobedience. Thus, a demon is an angel, just not a good one. So where the ever-lovin' hell did they come up with horns, hooves, pitchforks, etc.? What does the third sentence of this paragraph say?

If Merrin's father had just pulled the
trigger we'd have saved a hell of a lot of time...

Is Ignacious an angel that fell to earth because he's evil? No, he's absolutely a pure human with a ton of bad luck. But he's now a demon. A nice demon. A demon that would give you a ride when it's raining and NOT try to hit on you. 'Kay.

No no no that's NOT okay. This movie assumes we're total morons and treats us as such for TWO FREAKING HOURS! Oh, did I already mention that? Also, I think Mr. Hill should look up the word gratuitous. Gratuitous means uncalled for, lacking good reason, unwarranted. A whole lot of the sexual content, language and violence fits this definition perfectly.

Oh, except when he tells the press that
whoever beats the shit out of everyone
else can have an exclusive interview with him.

So. Ignacious is a GOOD demon. And he wants to find out who killed the love of his life. He decides to use his new found demon powers... ugh, I feel dirty just typing that... by influencing people to tell him the truth. Oh and do a ton of sick stuff and tell him even more sick stuff. 'Cause he's a good guy. Right? Right?

To say that cutting the gratuitous crap out would at least reduced this movie to 90 minutes (45 if we were lucky) is just pure wishing - and it ain't gonna happen. If Ignacious was such a GOOD demon, wouldn't he be at least upset that people are turning into horrific perverts because of him?

Hmm? Oh this is just an example of
 how you might look trying to follow this movie...

Let's talk about even stupider things. Each character's car had Washington plates (Supposed to be in Seattle, right?), but to be 'clever' (sarcasm heavily inserted here), each car has what is obviously a Bible verse which has something to do with that character. Sigh. Okay - the plates ARE Washington plates (Evergreen State ones) but they are NOT real. The letter and number configurations are incorrect for ANY kind of plate unless you get specialized plates (and I don't think you could with that many characters). So.

Ignacious (they call him Ig) doesn't have much support from anyone except his best friend from childhood. His brother (puzzlingly played by Joe Anderson) who is a trumpet player, (maybe), and his mom and dad aren't really sure whether he is innocent or not, but they are fast to come up with sick things to say when he's around - it seems the only ones to be 'immune' are those wearing crosses... ugh this movie is seriously making me ill.

Ig, the GOOD demon, is determined to give everyone 'what they deserve'. This includes making his junkie brother take every drug he's got stashed and land him in the hospital. What a good, good brother.

After lots of gratuitous... everything... we finally come down to the nitty gritty - and how 'bout that, it's Ig's best friend from childhood who killed his girlfriend. Didn't see that one coming, didja?

So you have sat through this disgusting display of everything. You've heard songs that you wish you hadn't (living in one of those houses nobody owns anywhere, Ig has this collection of vinyl that covers a whole wall of shelves) like the Pixies, David Bowie, and Marilyn Manson for some reason. And boom, the killer turns out to be the only other young male shown in town, Ig's best friend. Pfffft...

Oh we're not done by a long shot kiddies, 'cause then we get this:

What kind of symbolistic mumbo jumbo crap is THIS supposed to be?

In case you can't see what's happening, Ig has Merrin's cross on his neck. He rips it off, THEN grows wings and flops around THEN falls to the ground on fire and becomes a demon. And don't scratch your head, it only stirs up the flees...


So the burning (tee hee) question: Why did Merrin run instead of marrying Ig and preventing this horrid movie? Get out your tissues: Merrin's mother died of a form of cancer that 'runs in families'. She didn't want Ig to suffer as her father had suffered when her mom died. 


Umm dear, sorry to break this to you, but a LOT of types of cancers run through families - and you don't even HAVE to have a family history of cancer to get it yourself. Breathing your boyfriend's second-hand smoke could've wasted you before your mother's genes got a hold of you.

Hmm? Did Ig turn back into a human? HE WAS HUMAN - HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION? DEMONS ARE FALLEN ANGELS (WHO LOOK JUST LIKE ANGELS, THEY'RE JUST REJECTS) - IG WAS NEVER A DEMON IN THE FIRST PLACE, 'KAY?

So dear readers, save two hours and read a good book - just make sure the last name of the author isn't 'Hill'.