Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

I CAN BE A FUNNY HORROR MOVIE REVIEWER WHEN I WANNA, BUT I HAVE MOODS IN WHICH I CAN BE A TOTAL BITCH TOO, WHICH IS APPROPRIATE, BECAUSE THIS STUPID ASS MOVIE IS A TOTAL BITCH...


Crazy Ei8hts (2006)

I first feel compelled to apologize to Stephen King for thinking this was one of his creations - I should have known better. He DOES have a novel called From A Buick 8, which I believe is the last novel of his I've bought that <nervous chuckle>  I still haven't read.

This is pure B movie schlock - and not good schlock either. The acting is phoned in (They've got Traci Lords billed freaking first!), and the story is one of those where the beginning sounds like a good idea but it quickly turns to crap. And not good crap either.

We get a BS prefix of the movie synopsis: Between 1954 to 1976, nearly 600 children were voluntarily submitted for participation in a number of behavioral studies. These experimental facilities were privately funded and tucked away in secluded regions of the south. Families were paid a fee for their involvement and were told the studies were harmless. Most of the children were never heard from again.

The rest of the movie I'm gonna take pity on ya and try to keep it under 500 pages, 'cause it's not your fault I'm in a pissy mood so - we have eight kids who were stuck together as a group in an experimental facility 'cause hey, being experimented on is so much more fun when you have friends.


Twenty years later, they get a notice that one of their number has killed himself (smart move, guy). This would be Brax.

So a 20 year jump sees the introduction of characters we hope die really, really soon. They all are somewhat successful in their fields. Here's their names:

Jennifer
Lyle
Beth
Brent
Gina
Wayne


Since I know you can count, the other two are dead dudes; Brax of course and our mystery guest. Following the map Brax left, they find a ranch-like property with a barn. In the barn is a box. In the box under some of their childhood toys is a corpse. They find it within 20 minutes. Can we go home? No? DAMMIT... Who is it? Well...

The rest of the movie, I swear to God, are six seriously mentally challenged (I've used up my politically incorrect phrases for the week) people who wander around this property looking for clues and slowly finding them - and thankfully dying at the same time. Here's the death list:


Wayne (Dan DeLuca) breaks his leg almost immediately, but to be <heavy sarcasm here> clever, he doesn't die from that - he's decapitated by a window. 'Kay.

Beth (Gabrielle Anwar, who was great in the series Burn Notice, not so great here) is next because she's in a room by herself and the 'ghost girl' of whoever was in the trunk "helps" her tear her own jaw off. Which is impossible. Unless you're in a freaking dumbass movie. 'Kay.

Next is Brent (Frank Whaley), whose sole purpose in the movie was to make sure they would have an 'R' rating by swearing constantly. Unfortunately he dies off camera and we don't get to watch him suffer because he was a real whiny bitch. 'Kay.


Gina (Traci Lords) is first blinded by the light... sorry, she went to the bathroom and was 'persuaded' to gouge out her own eyes. Later she gets killed. Good... whoops, I mean 'Kay.

Lyle (George Newbern, a great voice-over actor whose best known appearance in movies was in both 'Father Of The Bride' movies) is next - before Gina died she accidentally stabs him (she can't see, so it's only 95% stupid). 'Kay.

The gist of the whole thing is that, as children, they were 'donated' for experimentation in ward C8 (Crazy Ei8hts - DUH). 


They all thought the doctor was their father and were given all kinds of tests and blah blah blah. For some reason they throw in the fact that Beth and Wayne had been brother and sister and had never known it. Could have been worse. Could've been married to each other... although I hear some states are turning a blind eye to that kind of thing...


As kids they decided to escape and put their toys in a trunk, hiding a kid named Karen because she was too frail to escape with them. They promised once they were free they would come and get her but they were too late and she suffocated. So she wants vengeance.

There is so much freaking DUH in this movie that if you're in a nasty mood, it's the perfect movie 'cause you can't get any madder than you already are...

So all but Jennifer (Dina Meyer, who like George Newbern got to be in the Saw movies - she was in the first four. She was also in Starship Troopers, as well as a whole page full of roles both on TV and in movies.) is dead but that's not good enough for Karen. Somehow Jennifer decides that the death of her friends wasn't good enough for this angry little spirit girl, so she gathers up the toys from the toy chest (and I'm getting pains in my chest from the idiocy of having to type this) and throws them in a wastebasket and burns them.


But that's still not enough for dead girl Karen (Karen Beriss). Jennifer has to kill herself. Our last scene (YAAAAAY!) is of Jennifer with a broken piece of glass ready to shove it in her gut and we hear the voice of the 'doctor'. I'll print it, but if you can understand this piece of @$&*((^%*$&%^# (sorry, cat jumped on the keyboard), you get a banana:

Two boxes are in front of who we assume is Jennifer. The doctor says, "One will be painful but lead to redemption. The other will only lead to more tests. Do you know what redemption is? Do you know what guilt is?" Then, as the scene fades away piece by piece we hear, "Choose." 

Here's my question: Do you know how pissed I can get having to watch an 80 minute piece of crap? Do you know that you have two choices: Either I can kill you slowly, or keep you alive for a week or two and THEN kill you? 

Choose...