Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, February 6, 2015


Not me yet, but soon... soon...
Okay, Okay, Just Relax Guys

Unfortunately, the rise or fall of the amount of reviews I publish have little to do with how I feel. Sometimes I feel... better and don't want to sit looking at a computer screen. Other times I'm so miserable that breathing is a chore and I find that I've put two or three reviews up anyway.

Change the way I rate movies? No. I could simply say that this is MY blog and I'll do what I wanna but that's not very nice. Accurate, but not nice.

I have enjoyed other styles of reviews - remember Joe Bob Briggs? You better, 'cause he's still alive and kicking and enjoying his movies. I liked that he 'counted' things that he thought were important like, well, boobs. The best movies seemed to have an odd number of boobs in them - when he reports there were "19 boobs" you've gotta wonder - what happened to the 20th? He also reported a lot of the violence as "Foo". For example, if you have college girls fighting each other with pillows, Joe Bob would translate that as "Seven boobs and feather fu." I miss his programs - have no idea where to find 'em.

Elvira was mildly amusing. She of course was more for the, umm, male population with her sultry delivery (and how the hell does she look so good when she's got to be at least.. never mind) and sly remarks during the movie itself.

Roger and Ebert were your go-to guys if you just wanted the bare facts and then have fun watching two middle aged men fight over whether the gore was over-the-top or not sloppy enough.

And the undisputed champions of the bad horror movie review crew: MST3K. Joel (and later Mike) and his two robot buddies joked their ways through the most horrible movies ever put to celluoid. There were even non-horror movies, such as PSM's or those Information-Disguised-As-Long-Commercials they used to show us in school as kids. I could never be that good. Besides, unless you're watching the movie, saying something nasty about a line or a mistake is kind of lame.


So no, I'm not doing better, just kind of determined that no matter how bad things get, I need to just keep trying to amuse and entertain people with my take on horrible (and, believe it or not, sometimes good) horror movies. And as I've said before, I'm staying with horror movies because my twisted sense of humor enjoys the fake screams and bad special effects.


What do I watch myself? Well, despite my physical looks (which no one will ever see if I can possibly help it) I don't eat a whole lot. When you feel despondent and horrible, eating isn't a priority. In fact, the last doctor I saw said if I don't eat at least four times a day, it would only get worse. Funny, but she didn't specify what 'it' was. Was 'it' my weight? My mood? My health? Meh.


And why is it that doctors are so freaking blind and deaf to their patients? Okay, that doesn't apply to all, but way too many of them work their offices like a cattle run - push one in, spend five minutes, push it out while their nurse pushes the second one in...


And why, when you suffer from a condition where you very rarely even can leave the house, take care of yourself, etc., the terribly clever idea of their is inevitably to do something impossible? Can't leave your home and driving is hard - even for small distances? Well, you should join a gym or a swimming pool and take exercise classes. 

Can't even get out of the house long enough to go to the store and get the food you're not eating? Eat four times a day. Trying to do something extremely simple such as washing dishes, clothes, or your bathroom makes your back and legs hurt so badly it sends you to bed for at least a day? Go out and walk a mile each day and you'll feel better. Really?


Close your eyes. Open them. See how stupid that was? How could you open your eyes when you were told to close them? How did you know when to open them again? That's kind of what dealing with so-called health professionals is like.


Since I don't eat much, junk food or otherwise, I have movie junk food. Those are the movies I put on like others will turn on the TV or play their CD's. While they play I either veg with a game or try to write a column. What do I watch and why? Yes, I know you really didn't ask but hey, closing this page is super easy so you don't have to read if you don't wanna.


The Legend Of Hell House (1973): The movie is based on a story by Richard Matheson (who we lost last year, sadly) about four people investigating the 'Mt. Everest of haunted houses', the Belasco house. It brings up the theory of EMR, electromagnetic radiation. This is what was considered to trap residue 'energy' from people who inhabit houses.

If the people were particularly nasty, there'd be a lot of it, causing 'phenomenon'. It was thought that reversing the polarity would dissipate whatever EMR was causing Poltergeist-like activity. Today they say electromagnetic frequencies (EMF) - it's a tool used by electricians but supposedly it also detects whether there is a plethora of ghostly nasties about. It was an interesting idea and I probably play it three or four times a week.

John Dies At The End (2012): This plays at least twice a week. It made me an instant fan of David Wong, Rob Mayes, and a book that is about 1,000% more complicated than the movie but still a freaking good read (and don't forget the sequel). I still use them as my cover picture and I know I've got to put something original up there that more accurately represents this column, but meh.

The Haunting Of Whaley House (2012): Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. So why watch it? Well, I've gotten some of my best lines from the dumbest of movies, and this is a prize example. Someone wrote as a review that this was so "well researched". Pfffft... see, there IS a Whaley House in San Diego, California that is considered to be haunted and several of the family members, a convict who was hanged there, and a little girl with unknown ties to the family are said to have haunted the place but that's where the 'true' part ends. 

In real life the family was very good to the people of San Diego - they even allowed businesses, plays, movies, and other activities to take place in the house. They were generous and did not deserve this movie treatment. In the movie the family is evil, although the kid's 'psychic' keeps assuring them 'No, no, they're just desperate.' Umm what? It's one of those types of movies so ridiculously stupid that you can't help chuckling at it. I watch it a couple times a month.

Shaun Of The Dead (2004): Beautifully done, clever as hell (especially all the zombie movie references), and funny. 'Nuff said. I watch it once or twice a month.

Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn (1987): I watch this one more than the original for one reason only - it's on Netflix and I don't have to go through my DVD's to find it. No matter how many times I watch it (saying the lines with the characters, a habit that drives my hubby nuts) I find a new little nugget, and if Bruce Campbell actually doing a flip without help isn't impressive enough, you're not paying close enough attention. I watch this I think around twice a week. In fact, it's on this very minute.

Bad Kids Go To Hell (2012): This is a new fave, because it's just a little smarter than the average teen slasher flick, it's still really, really dumb, but it has several pretty good lines in it that I've put in my horror movie archive that I keep for other films later. I'd say I watch this one maybe two or three times a week.

Well, there's a ton of others on my junk movie list, but it's time for me to eat - that Miso soup isn't going to stew for a whole 60 seconds by itself... oh, wait...