Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Brainless With A Splash Of Dumb





It's My Party And I'll Die If I Want To (2007)

Yeah, I'm still in a funk and have been watching a lot of what I call NWM movies (not worth mentioning) on Netflix. This one - worth mentioning only because of the putrid value. Bad acting, bad effects (my sincere apologies to Tom Savini) bad backstory and all around baaaaad movie - with some fun in it. If you look at it the right way, sometimes the worst of movies can be kind of fun and you can find a nugget or two of wisdom (or stupidity) within the, in this case, 79 minutes of movie.

I have to WHAT? Or you'll WHAT???
Okay the story: In the 30's a man named Jacob Burkitt was trying to read and his wife was trying to make dinner. But, damn it all, the meat was just too tough so before cooking she had to tenderize it. The noise of pounding meat drove Jacob mad (to move the story along don't question anything) and he hacked his wife and six children into pieces, wrapped the pieces in wax paper and twine and put the right limbs in one room, the left limbs in one room, etc. until the heads were left - at an elaborately set table he put each of their heads on a plate. He then proceeded to hack himself up (I know, I know just go with it dammit) and joined his family at the table.

Okay NOW I know why he did this movie...
We know all this because this 'haunted' mansion (which wasn't even a large house, c'mon now) never sold and is now the sight of the lucky subject of this movie, Sara, martial arts expert and just turning 18 (Now remember the martial arts part, 'kay?). It's for her birthday party, thrown by all her friends. I was settling back, with a split screen playing Facebook games and glancing at the screen every once in a while (anything needing a segue was simply drawn up as a comic book) when I happened to notice a face. I stopped the movie and just about cried. It was Tom Savini. I'd already written down the terrible special effects that started the movie (when the father bludgeoned one daughter her head was clearly a doll, and not a good one; another daughter didn't scream UNTIL her head was bludgeoned in, which would be kind of impossible) and so I must say at this point OH MY GOD SAVINI WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? WAS SOMEONE BLACKMAILING YOU? And then I calmed down. He was playing an electrician (Tom's Electric on the truck... very small chuckle) and he's at the Burkitt house to turn on the power for the party. He promptly electrocutes himself. Sigh.

Remember kids: Get your tetanus shots regularly...
We then see some of Sara's friends (all immediately killable) setting up the house for the party - an Asian girl is mixing the fake blood they're gonna dump on her boyfriend while dressed in her brand new Asian school girl uniform (wow, what a stretch) when of course she gets some on herself and has to strip down to her short-short skirt to rinse it off. Tom pops up out of nowhere - she didn't see him (duh) and he didn't die, just pass out (massive duh) only to revive in time to see 17 year old ta tas. Good one Tom. He leaves and the, uh, ghost? The zombie? The demon? The... whatever of Jacob Burkitt shows up and shoves his fist through her chest, pushing her heart into the sink (uh, no) and giving us a POV of the hole through her, as her lungs continue to fill and deflate (uh, no freaking way). Aaaaand that's the way this film is going to go.

Coincidences in place - we are ready to begin...
See, this WHOLE film is about preparing for the party but dying (and not in the order I would have chosen) by different means by the whole ghost/zombie/demon Burkitt family. Slowly. Very, very slowly. Why the title? I think it was meant to literally scare away the smart people so just dumb people would watch this with no complaints. But I was out looking for dumb, and dumb I found. There were a couple of lines worth mentioning, the typical 'Real life isn't like the movies.' line bad horror likes to repeat, 'God this is so cliche'.' was another, and my favorite that was surely an error - when the teenage boy who conveniently knows the entire backstory starting from the beginning of the century tells the story of how after the family wasn't seen for a few weeks the sheriff showed up at the house and no one answered the door 'so he forced himself in'. I laughed. I had to - you have to laugh at this or else go home 'cause that's all there is. The line should have been 'he forced his way in' but I like the first one better.

Two little F'd up kids are we...
But geez this movie took a long time to start getting to the point. It takes 53 minutes for the real bloodshed to start, and by this time Sara has shown up for her party (which is still non-existent) and finds that her friends are being slaughtered. But hey cheer up! Coincidence number one - she's a martial arts expert. Coincidence number two - her friends have bought her a brand new Katana sword for her birthday (still like Michonne a hell of a lot better). So, and I shit you not, to the tune of the EXTENDED version of 1976's classic hit loved by every good boy and girl (kidding) A Fifth Of Beethoven by Walter Murphy. Which brings us to coincidence number three and our kicker - the fight between her and the ghost/zombie/demon of Jacob Burkitt lasts exactly that long - wow, who could have guessed THAT would happen? Or that their fighting would be right on the beat? Not me says the idiot. Oh yeah, of course, says me.

FIVE MINUTES before the end of the movie (and that's counting the credits) the party officially begins when the guests, not knowing what's been happening in this house, all crowd their way in. And in the green glow that's never explained lights off-on scenes we find a general slaughter of all the teens inside and the movie's done. Whaddya know, a happy ending!