Airborne (2012) UKThis movie I suspected to be another Zombies On A Plane type of thing but they tried something totally different. Now I'm sure the writers probably had their ducks in a row, but when it came to making this thing - nuh uh. They took a fairly decent idea and mucked it up with too much philosophizing, good ole' fashion racism, horrifically overused cliche's, unnecessary violence and a really, REALLY dumb premise (probably good on paper, massive duh on screen).
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| OMG Mark Hamill! |
We start with an older man, Malcom who's starting his last day before retirement (he's just too damn old for this shit) who just has one more flight to oversee from the tower and OH MY FREAKING GOD IT'S MARK HAMILL WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM???? Okay, to be honest, I was initially shocked by the sight of 61 year old Mark playing this old fart role but hey, he's 61 and he looks pretty damn good actually. I just haven't seen him in an actual movie (he does a ton of voice-over work) since... I think Body Bags in 1993 so this was a bit startling. We've all seen Harrison Ford age, know exactly what he looks like, but since Mark has been used (and heavily) by cartoon, anime and video game voice work he's not been seen much.
Just a bit of trivia (at least I didn't know) - we all know Harrison Ford got his job doing American Graffiti because he was building cabinets at George Lucas' house, and while remodeling George's office he got the role of Han Solo but how did Mark get Luke Skywalker? Well, he got his start with TV roles and yes, cartoon voice work when a friend of his, who was trying for a role in Apocalypse Now (didn't get it) saw the casting for Star Wars happening, knew Mark would be perfect as Luke and called him, telling him to try for it. That friend? None other than Robert Englund. Cool! And Metalocaplypse would not be the same without him - or Robot Chicken, or...
Anyway, our retiring Malcolm is giving a voice-over (hmm) speech about why bad things happen to good people, stuff happens we can't control, blah blah blah. He tells us that this particular flight, going from an unspecified UK airport to New York had a lot of good people and a lot of bad things. No Malcolm, no it didn't. There were a lot of bad people and ONE bad thing... oh well.
The premise is that the UK has been hit by the nastiest storm systems it's experienced in years. We see footage of cars swept in flood waters, houses buried, the usual destruction type stuff. Yet in spite of this, instead of cancelling all flights, this airport is letting just this one out. Now we get instant intrigue when one flight attendant, who really wanted to be on the flight, was told she couldn't because they were running a bare crew, having less than a half full plane. She knows they were one short but apparently one showed up from nowhere with no papers, claims he's new and they just let him on (he's Eastern looking - KILL HIM!). Uh huh. We immediately have conflict because they only have one section of the plane open, which pisses off those with first class tickets... see, not so nice people as this guy and his two enforcers practically spit in the faces of all of the crew who try to calm them down. The rest are your usual cross section of people, you could pick their stereotypes out of any other flight film. Another intrigue is the most careful loading of a box that's strapped down tight and the whole reason they're letting this flight out at all. The one wanting it to get to New York quickly is very nervous about it, and keeps looking at papers with a picture of what's in the box - a vase - and some strange symbols. Okay.
Soon one inebriated passenger who'd been annoyed by an overweight and irritating passenger who had to be right next to him even though there were lots of empty seats notices he's disappeared. He complains loudly and a little too wildly - one of the 'enforcers' punches him out and he wakes up strapped to his seat. The passenger is still missing - and now so is a young couple. A man stands up and then tells the flight attendant that the plane is turning - he's taken this route tons of times and the plane isn't supposed to turn. She dismisses this by saying that the captain's intercom was out so he couldn't tell them he's avoiding the storm. But back in the tower, Malcolm is frantically trying to get a hold of this flight because they're supposed to inform them of any route changes and they haven't. No amount of trying gets any response. Suddenly a group of people infiltrate the tower, they are like English CIA or something - they immediately 'take charge' and everybody in the tower is now basically their prisoners. Nice. They have no idea why and these guys aren't going to tell them.
Anyway, our retiring Malcolm is giving a voice-over (hmm) speech about why bad things happen to good people, stuff happens we can't control, blah blah blah. He tells us that this particular flight, going from an unspecified UK airport to New York had a lot of good people and a lot of bad things. No Malcolm, no it didn't. There were a lot of bad people and ONE bad thing... oh well.
The premise is that the UK has been hit by the nastiest storm systems it's experienced in years. We see footage of cars swept in flood waters, houses buried, the usual destruction type stuff. Yet in spite of this, instead of cancelling all flights, this airport is letting just this one out. Now we get instant intrigue when one flight attendant, who really wanted to be on the flight, was told she couldn't because they were running a bare crew, having less than a half full plane. She knows they were one short but apparently one showed up from nowhere with no papers, claims he's new and they just let him on (he's Eastern looking - KILL HIM!). Uh huh. We immediately have conflict because they only have one section of the plane open, which pisses off those with first class tickets... see, not so nice people as this guy and his two enforcers practically spit in the faces of all of the crew who try to calm them down. The rest are your usual cross section of people, you could pick their stereotypes out of any other flight film. Another intrigue is the most careful loading of a box that's strapped down tight and the whole reason they're letting this flight out at all. The one wanting it to get to New York quickly is very nervous about it, and keeps looking at papers with a picture of what's in the box - a vase - and some strange symbols. Okay.
Soon one inebriated passenger who'd been annoyed by an overweight and irritating passenger who had to be right next to him even though there were lots of empty seats notices he's disappeared. He complains loudly and a little too wildly - one of the 'enforcers' punches him out and he wakes up strapped to his seat. The passenger is still missing - and now so is a young couple. A man stands up and then tells the flight attendant that the plane is turning - he's taken this route tons of times and the plane isn't supposed to turn. She dismisses this by saying that the captain's intercom was out so he couldn't tell them he's avoiding the storm. But back in the tower, Malcolm is frantically trying to get a hold of this flight because they're supposed to inform them of any route changes and they haven't. No amount of trying gets any response. Suddenly a group of people infiltrate the tower, they are like English CIA or something - they immediately 'take charge' and everybody in the tower is now basically their prisoners. Nice. They have no idea why and these guys aren't going to tell them.
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| ...and this is a plane... |
Oh, it's a really dumb explanation - probably looked good in a book but... the vase supposedly contains the 'spirit' of Yey-Wang-Yeh or Lord Of Death who is supposed to be an evil God somehow trapped. It's worth bazillions. What no one on the plane yet knows is that the LOD has been influencing them - you can tell by the fancy special effects. That was sarcastic - what it actually showed is the box and what looks like heat waves coming off it. That's it. We then find out one of the enforcers and a flight attendant knew about the vase and planned to hijack the plane, taking it to South America and selling the vase (and whatever passengers managed to live). They've already killed the cockpit crew and changed course. They show that, then less than two minutes later show the flight attendant pretend to ask the tower for help, saying the radio is cutting out. One problem: There are now no bodies, no blood, a perfectly clean cockpit. Whoops. Malcolm believes her but the English Nazis or whatever the hell they are don't - they demand that the US engage the Firelight Protocol. Near as I can tell, this is a command for the Air Force to send fighters to shoot down the plane. They do and just as they get a bead on it, aw shucks, they're now in South America's airspace. Not over land mind you, but in their space. The US says no way even though the English demand it. Pffft. England demanding the US to shoot down a passenger plane...
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| 'It's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home, they're not much bigger than two meters.' |
Meanwhile the body count on the plane is rising, as a military man on leave discovers creeping around the storage area. And someone brings the box up to the passenger area. And there are the 'waves' again and we see that they are 'possessing' people now... one man literally smashes his head in trying to open the box with it (his head I mean) and another, at its command I guess opens the door and jumps out (nothing flies out or sucks out - the hubby says by now they were flying too low but I dunno)... we now also see whoever is momentarily possessed by it gets these glowing blue eyes... aww it's just getting worse by the second and it could have been so good too. Mark Hamill is very good as a worn out controller just trying to save the people on this doomed plane but the rest.... meh.
It comes down to a few passengers left who must decide that yes, they are going to have to die to stop whatever is happening on this plane, before it is allowed to land. That means crashing into the ocean. They are all but stopped but (Did I mention this movie had incredible coincidences too?) one flight attendant is left who comes from an aviation-crazy family and who just happens to know how to knock out the engines by crossing a few wires....
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| Did I say my head made a good can opener? |
As the currently possessed person (with radio headset on) in the cockpit realizes the plane is going to hit the water and there's nothing to be done, it screeches horribly - causing all in the tower to rip off their headphones. The English Nazis then inform all in the room they are now coming with them (they're not going to see daylight again, bet you) and all stand, including Malcolm, who reveals that his already blue eyes are now a bright glowing blue. The movie ends with him repeating, 'Sometimes bad things happen to good people.'
This could have been so good if they had stayed away from the obvious, the stupid and the racism (The Eastern looking guy who was new and had no papers? For one thing he was Spanish, another he was totally innocent of anything except forgetting his damn papers) but moviemakers just have to muck things up to make it what they think will sell.
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