Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"

Forget Me Not (2009)

Oh believe me, how I WISH I could forget I saw this movie. I know it was naive and silly to want another good movie to follow The Road which actually had some thought and inventive ideas... but no, I got this. A whole 103 minutes of massive duh teenage movie. The catch line 'Some Friendships Never Die' was extremely stupid and did not fit the movie in the slightest. Sigh. AND this movie contains one of the WORST stunts I've ever seen - there were so many errors and breaks in continuity my husband and I actually spent some time with it, just to find (kind of like looking for Waldo except a lot easier) all the different goofs, stupid omissions and obvious hardware showing... I'll explain that in a bit.

Note: I checked this movie again 6/10/14, since obviously my memory is failing me and for a few moments I DID forget I'd already seen this horrid thing... apparently, people personally attached to the film attacked the Netflix website (where it is currently streaming) and filled it with all sorts of unmitigated crap, calling it lofty names, saying it had a great twist and a crafty story with terrific acting and... I'm starting to feel nauseous hold on a second (puts head between legs)...

This. Was. Tripe. It was soooo slow and obvious and horribly acted and the ending was soooo predictable roughly 10 minutes or so in that the whole experience was, well, horrible times two. Like I thought it would get better this time or something. Bleh.

So we first have the obligatory rich as hell teenagers, none under the age of 25 who are celebrating their graduation from high school at one of those parties that NEVER HAPPEN ANYWHERE, except in movies of course. Among our group du jour is a brother and sister, the brother so smart that he skipped a grade and still was valedictorian of the class, yet so dumb he appears in this movie. After they are completely bombed, naturally they decide to go to the graveyard to play a game they played in childhood. <Sound of buzzer> Wrong, thank you for playing: Graveyards border churches - this is inexplicably by a convent/orphanage. Close but no cigar - that makes it a cemetery.

The game is a dumbed down version of hide and seek. I say dumbed down 'cause they have to repeat this moronic rhyme before they can start. Just as they begin a girl appears out of nowhere whom no one knows and wants to play. After playing this massively duh game the unknown girl is the 'winner'. When Sandy, our main blonde in the film tells her she's won she's asked 'Do you remember me?' When Sandy admits she has no idea the girl says 'You will', then jumps off a convenient high cliff by the cemetery by the convent. Oh brother... despite the police thoroughly searching the area, of course they find nothing and the now-sober (yeah sure) teenagers all go home.

Gee have we figured out what this movie is about and how it's going to end yet? If you haven't, you haven't been paying enough attention to lame teenage horror or my reviews. Again I took my paper, laid out the premise and just waited to write in what order these idiots were going to die in.

First up: A girl is swimming and thinks she sees someone drowning. Can't find her. After almost making it to the shore she looks down and the girl is in a few inches of water. She is grabbed and held under water until - well until the bubbles stop. And now no one but Sandy even remembers her. 

I wouldn't remember her either but that's me... Next is a guy in a machine shop. He's checking safety equipment on these three machines... as he checks the third here's our phantom girl, starting to look a bit nasty and now accompanied by a weird costumed dead Layla, the first victim. The phantom girl looked perfectly fine in the beginning but there's definite ick happening to her after each kid dies. 

Anywho, the guy gets dragged into a table saw - first his hand, then head. Splat. And then no one remembers him either. And his whole existence is erased, just as the first. The rest of the doomed idiots are going to the beach for spring break. Sandy is mad at her friends for 'teasing' her by claiming they have no idea who the two missing are. 

They stop at a convenience store and, since they are underage one girl distracts the clerk while the others rip off the entire store. Nice. Rich kids and they're flash mobbing a convenience store. What a statement for the future of the country since all these kids are supposed to be the smart ones with the great futures...

We then have one of the most horrid, stupid, mistake filled scenes in special effects history. This scene deserved a special reward for just how dumb special effects crews think audiences are - we are not supposed to notice even the most obvious of mistakes apparently.

We start with the next victim, Chad, who is driving a '71 Pontiac Lemans that they try to make look like a muscle car with taped on stripes on the hood and trunk so crooked they looked like Mr. Magoo installed 'em (I have to thank the hubby for the help with this - he hates these movies so getting his assessment was quite the honor). 

Okay what was supposed to happen (and you are supposed to accept) is that while zooming on this highway with a cliff on one side and a steep drop off on the other he is attacked by the phantom girl and crashes, rolling his car which bursts into flames with him inside. Just a few small problems however. His car spins out of control and starts rolling, not off the steep drop, but a conveniently placed dirt area beside the road. The car flips a total of five times with things flinging off the car from everywhere: the trunk opens and all this stuff he had crammed in there flies all over. Trim comes off, the back window, broken glass, crap is just everywhere. 

The car comes to a rest next to a pile of dirt (probably put there to keep it from going further). We then cut away to the guy in the car screaming for help and the phantom girl strangling him, although while the car was flipping it was quite obvious there was no one in the car whatsoever. We cut away again to the Lemans, which is now in THE MIDDLE of the dirt area which now explodes - from the engine. Okay, more dramatic than the realistic gas tank type explosion which is more likely but there are soooo many things wrong. 

One the car has moved. Two, every bit of debris, broken glass, spilled objects are nowhere to be found - the area is perfectly clean around the car. There isn't even a single skid mark. Three, a cable that is probably for the pneumatic gizmo they use to lift things like the hood and the roof can clearly be seen running from the now-closed trunk of the car. No joke. If you can see this movie for free (I'd never pay for it) look just for this scene - you'll get more than a few giggles from this horridly cheap, badly done special effect.

Back to the stupid movie: As with the other two, the group (except for Sandy) now do not know that Chad even existed. And reality is also starting to change around her. Instead of the beach, they are now going to the mountains. Oooooh, scary. Which brings up another point: They are supposed to be graduates. How is it that they are NOW going on spring break? Which brings us another little giggle. 

After driving a short distance they pass a junkyard (awful small one). Sandy demands they stop because she sees, on blocks, what is supposed to be Chad's car. Okay, supposed to be a chiller moment - except <snicker> the car she's looking at, while it is red with the white stripes like Chad's car, is clearly a '70 Pontiac Tempest. Just look at both - a Lemans grill has four parts, a Tempest has two.... massive duh all around... She then makes them drive to the other dead boy's house which is abandoned and apparently a crime scene for some reason. 

For whatever reason, Sandy now remembers the stupid game they played as kids, how she had learned it first from an orphan from the convent/orphanage. Her reverie is interrupted when the next girl is killed when, seeing the phantom she runs and falls into a pit that is clearly made of plaster - hands break through as the phantom and the other dead friends grab her and hold her down in the plaster while sand fills the hole up. The others can't understand why Sandy is getting so hysterical - they now don't remember this chick either.

Convincing her friends to go to the police station although they now think she's totally off her nut, she discovers that the girl she played with as a kid is Angela Smith who lived at the convent. She convinces the others to go but they insist on waiting for morning and all four stay in a motel. 

That's where they lose the next one - she is surrounded by the phantom and growing number of dead teenagers (GO PHANTOM!), forced into a closet with high voltage equipment, and electrocuted. Now there are three - her boyfriend is with her and thinks she's nuts, her brother is now at home and telling her he can't cover for her being a basket case any more. 

But to placate nutty Sandy they go to visit Angela only to find that she's been in a coma for six years. Ooooh I'm so... very very bored. But good news, the annoying boyfriend is the next to go, killed by this Thriller reject group in the convent's own chapel. So much for the protection of the church.

Now it's bro and sis and bro knows Sandy's a whack job. But he takes her as seriously as possible, especially when she reminds him of the game they played as kids, which she now knows the nuns taught the orphans (how nice, give the kids massive scars why don't you) which he remembers only she and he playing together. The rhyme, just to get it out there and end this goes as follows:

1, 2 Freddy's coming for you
3, 4 Better shut the door

Oops, sorry, that's a much better movie - wrong rhyme. This stinker actually is:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 Release the one ignored by heaven (they figure this is Angela - way to go nuns)
8, 9, 10 Now run and hide or join her at the devil's side (the funny part is the nun says this avoids nightmares - whoa what a load)
11 Comes the clock will chime forgotten souls erased by time (the brother is now convinced that he had friends but they were erased by this stupid game)
Midnight comes it's not too late so kill the ghost or seal your fate (oh wonderful, a murder game)

Wow, what a cluster - how lucky these orphaned children are...

When they get to the hospital whoops, bro wasn't so helpful after all - the parents and a bunch of police and hospital personnel are there to sedate Sandy since she's obviously a massive whacko. As she's sedated and her brother is left out in the empty hallway... well duh, you know the phantom and all the other horribly dressed deadheads get him too... 

When Sandy asks about her brother her parents are puzzled because Sandy is an only child and she has no friends... Sandy now finally 'remembers' what she did - she and her wonderful friends decided to scare the snot out of the poor lonely orphan. 

They dress as dead kids, she invites Angela to play with just her but as they start that damn rhyme all the children rise up and pretend to attack Sandy (they're actually painting her up too) and she rises and chases Angela back to the convent. Angela, sickly anyway and not too bright, runs into the front door, causing her to seize and go into the coma she's been in for six years. 

So Sandy is basically responsible for everything but she blames Angela, sneaking into her room and shutting off her respirator. That'll teach her - uh, except it's now after midnight. Sandy hears the flatline start beeping again and sees Angela sitting up in bed - she knows what's next and runs but the phantom and all her former friends herd her to the roof - where the child Angela is waiting for her. Despite her apologizing, Angela causes her to fall off the roof. Now things are quite different - Angela is now awake and ready for the rest of her life and Sandy is in the life-long coma. Sounds fair to me.

Now the wiki version of this film takes it a step further and says it's not clear that Sandy's friends ever existed in the first place - this whole movie was Sandy's dream. Ah hell no you don't! This piece of garbage happened and you filmmakers have to take responsibility for it dammit... yuck!