I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Fool Me Once...

The Invitation (2003) Canada

Oh ho you naughty, naughty Canadians! How dare you put this together with Lance Henriksen, guaranteeing I'll probably watch what is called a psychological thriller, with a picture of him all dark and mysterious and ominous on your poster! Because this sorry excuse of a movie with the tag line 'Regrets Only' was nothing more than a snorefest of whining people spilling their guts in some touchy feely garbage... If I had wanted to watch this sort of thing, I'd hit the daytime TV channels and watch shows about 'My husband is sleeping with me, my sister and my mother!' or 'I like to use other people's bathrooms!' or 'My ten year old child has more sex than I do!' or something equally sappy, stupid or boring.

We open with Roland, a very successful writer. How successful? The impossible kind, the ones who can afford their own islands and trips around the world when they're depressed. He's invited six of his 'friends' to his island for a weekend but <gasp> at dinner he confesses that he's poisoned all of them, and if they don't 'confess' their darkest secrets, they will die. Oh the horror! See, Roland (Lance Henricksen) recently lost his very pregnant wife in an accident (At your age? Impressive!) and so wandered around the world looking for the meaning to life. He expounds on this endlessly throughout the film, expect a lot of guru sounding mumbo jumbo that will make you want to hit the fast forward button constantly. Supposedly he received an epiphany during a visit to a tribe that, when his fellow traveler was brushing his teeth, they killed him, thinking him foaming at the mouth meant he was rabid. Oh it gets better children. Supposedly they then poisoned Roland, and while he was dying all his hate, rage, regret, you know, the emotions that make us human, spilled out of him and he was 'reborn' - especially since they gave him the antidote. He wants to do the same for his 'friends'.

Friends like Roland you can definitely do without. Outside of his house are six shallow graves dug especially for his guests, obviously he doesn't expect any to survive. And sure enough, with enough psychobabble to strangle a dozen psychiatrists, they start to drop. Oh we have guilty consciences, horrific betrayals, infidelities, you know, all the good stuff of a soap opera. But this is supposed to be a thriller. YAWN. All I wanted was for these people to hurry up and die or something to happen like Roland rubbing his hands and saying in his creepy voice 'You signed over all your assets to me, you die and I'm rich MWAHAHAHAHA.... Sigh. Nope. What we get is Roland holding the hands of these pitiful idiots while they spew out the poison of their lives, smiling beatifically at them like he's done the most wonderful thing in the world as they die.

Finally we're left with Joel, a writer who's father always terrified him, telling him he could never be anything but a publisher. His poison has blinded him and he spends some time in a shed acting like a rock star in a fancy hotel room. Finally Roland comes to get him, giving him the 'antidote'. He remains blind, it's too late. Roland gently takes him outside and... we get more philosophizing and Roland acting like he's done him a great favor. Joel's sight eventually begins to return, while Roland is still yammering about how before his wife died they found out they were going to have a boy and how he hoped he would be like Joel because he was always wanting a son like him. He mentions a letter Joel's mother wrote asking if he read it - nope. As Roland finally confesses that no one has died, the poison was merely a drug that simulates death for a few hours he tries to read the letter but Joel is too intent on finding his wife now that they can begin a new life together... why exactly? No no no, don't explain anything, I just want this to end please.

In the end, Roland's guests, without so much as a punch or threat of suing his ass, are back on the boat, ready to see their lives renewed (How exactly?) and Roland watches from a bench on the shore. Oh yeah, did I mention he was dying? He was coughing through the movie, and in movie logic, any nose bleed, cough or headache a character has instantly means they're dying. So Joel is talking to his wife who asks him again about the bloody letter from his mother. He should have read it - it explains that his father was sterile so they made an 'arrangement' with Roland - he was his real father but could never tell him. Duh. Joel turns to Roland and waves to him with a smile as Roland coughs once more and dies. Kind of like this movie.