Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

LET'S SEE... NO CHAINSAW PSYCHO, NO 'PARANORMAL' STUFF, NO CREATURE, NO EVIL PRESENCE... WHY IS THIS A HORROR MOVIE EXACTLY?



Dawning (2009)

'Takes place at a Northern Minnesota lake cabin where a brother and sister visit their father and step-mom. As the first night unfolds with uncomfortable small-talk and tension, tragedy strikes.' That, dear friends, is the extent of the description according to the IMDb. Because that's it. What's the tragedy? That you spend 82 minutes watching people torture themselves over NOTHING AT ALL. And I DO mean NOTHING. I mean look at the movie poster - they didn't even have anything to put on it so they made it look like one of those freaky Japanese weirdos with the long black slimy hair.

This non-movie basically goes like this:

OOH WATCH OUT! I thought I saw something in the road. No? Let's go.

AW DAMMIT! I don't want to spend time with my step-mother - okay okay I will.

WHAT WAS THAT? Something attacked the dog. What? I. Don't. Know. Well, we gotta shoot it.

WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN? A bloody man shows up. Takes the dad's rifle. Nothing happens.

WHAT DID HE SAY? We're all gonna die. Oh, okay.

WHAT DID YOU SAY? I didn't say anything sheesh get off my case.

WHAT WAS THAT? What was what? There's nothing out there or in here. Dad's drinking again.

WHAT DID YOU DO? Nothing, what's your problem? Don't go outside, we're all gonna die.

WHY ARE WE GONNA DIE? Dunno. Oh. Let's look out the window for <looks at watch> another half hour or so.

DAD DON'T STAY OUTSIDE! He's dead. Well, I told him.

STEPMOM DON'T! She's dead. Didn't like her anyway.

WAIT STRANGER! I'll show you... BLAM! HA! Shot you for nothing!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! Bro and sis take car and drive really fast in movie duh style, meaning they promptly crash and flip the car. Bro is dead - sis walks back to the house.
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. I am alone now. The end.

Did I miss anything? Ummm, nope, that was it.