Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

OW OW OW MY FREAKING EYES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?





Midnight Matinee' aka Matinee' Made For TV (1989) Canada

Not checking on this movie before I watched it (I really need to start doing that), this being a Canadian TV movie explains why they could have brief nudity at the very beginning and one swear word (and that's it). The beginning movie scene being watched by the characters also looked very familiar - it should. It is a copy of the scene in Friday The 13th where Kevin Bacon bites it. Naughty naughty... but it really is the only interesting part of the movie.

This is about horror movie marathons and why they should be banned. At least that's what this movie seems to be trying to put across. The boring and unhappy town of Holsten B.C. had one which included a movie with the shot described above. As the character in the movie is killed, so is the boyfriend of one of the girls in the audience. They had sat in the rows in the back in order to do what teenagers do in dark theaters and he was stabbed through the throat. That ended the marathon and we get an inkling that the whole town became a boring pit after that. I mean a WORSE boring pit.

So we skip ahead two years but who cares? We know what's going to happen. The town wants to do another horror movie marathon and gee, is there going to be another murder? I. Don't. Care. This is such a boring (and obvious) setup that I was ready to cry. It makes a lame attempt at being a mystery whodunit by making several characters behave strangely and trying to get the audience to think. All I was thinking is I was stuck with this for 93 minutes and I really wanted the stupid teenager's car.

And you know a movie has a major suckage problem when you actually spend more time trying to find out just what kind of muscle car the kid was driving than you spent watching the damn thing. And although I'm getting better at it, I still use the hubby to help me as he's had a lot more years of experience. This car was much too nice for this punk kid. I WANT IT. My hubby looks at me kind of funny... you want that?

Hey, it's a cool (and obviously restored) black muscle car, yeah I want it. I'm not exaggerating when I said I spent more time trying to find out exactly what it was. I knew it was a Dodge and I saw the 'RT' on the side so we went from there... unfortunately since this was a made-for-TV movie (and a horrible one at that) I couldn't find it in the IMDb database of movie cars. Rats. I had figured 60's or 70's but other than remembering the grill and the headlights I wasn't much help. But hey, I learned how to do a screen capture so this woman is getting smarter all the time, man.


HA! Did this picture all by myself! Can I have this car now?
After some frustrating searches through tons of Dodge's in both years and makes we GOT IT! Drumroll please... the car I want is a black 1967 Dodge Coronet 440 RT. Can you see why it was so hard to track down? Not exactly a car you see a lot tooling around town. Maybe they're all up in Canada, I don't know. So if one of you is some bored millionaire and you've got one of these in the back corner of your garage... I know where you can park it.


Blurry I know but you can see the RT on the side...
The movie? Do you really want to know? Okay, bored teenage girl is also the same girl whose boyfriend got whacked during the first horror movie marathon. Now her new boyfriend (the undeserving schmuck with MY car) is a bad boy and a real thorn in her mother's side. Her father (played by William Davis - you'd know him from the X-Files) wants to take her away from it all - the town, her mother, her boyfriend. He also (surprise surprise) made a sequel of the movie that was playing in the first marathon. Wow. What a bore.

So people die die die and the girl sulks sulks sulks and my car goes vrrrroooom! Who did all the dastardly deeds? Well with the people dying it's not that hard to figure out which survivor is nuts enough. In the end, the girl and her boyfriend take off for places unknown in MY car. Jerks.