OW OW OW MY FREAKING EYES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
The Greenskeeper (2002)
This is a horror film (it claims) that was filmed in Atlanta and starred former Major League Baseball relief pitcher John Rocker as the titular character. I guess the biggest compliment I can give him is that I never heard of him and he seemed like the typical B horror movie actor to me - of course he spent the entire movie in so-so special effects makeup to have him appeared burned from head to foot. That's it. The rest of 'em I never heard of before, and hope I never do again.
It's not totally his fault of course - the story is thin as one-ply tissue, the mistakes made me laugh out loud (okay so I giggled a little), the scares are zero and the attempt at humor fell flat. It had a cool car in it that I wouldn't mind having (and thankfully they didn't crash it or 'pretend' to crash it) - it was a 1961 purple (that's right I said purple) Pontiac Tempest. That car was the real star of the movie and wasn't on the screen enough.
Okay why am I being so hard on this business-as-usual horror film? Because it's like they filmed it not giving a rip what it looked like or if their shit was together. Right away we see a HUGE continuity flaw: Allen Anderson is the nephew of the uncle who married his mother so he could gain control of her country club. Her husband died in a mysterious 'gardening accident'. Yeah, getting those roses in and mowing grass can be a real bitch. Anyway, we see him sitting at a makeshift table - he's taken off his coat and grabbed what we assume is his 'work' coat and is working on a mower that's on the table. The door opens behind him and we get a cutaway.
From the door we see Allen's back. Trouble is, he has a new shirt on, the jacket he grabbed is gone, and the mower is tipped over. Another cutaway as the character comes in and touches Allen's back and miraculously the shirt, coat, and mower are back where they're supposed to be. Wow. That combined with a story of a guy finding a 'tin shack' that turns out to be made of wood - and as he finds it there is smoke coming out of the chimney - but a cutaway later there's no smoke. Am I being too picky?
Too bad, that's my job. Okay the rest of the plot is Allen keeps having visions of this burned person walking around (hmm, I wonder who that is) and it makes him seem pretty simple minded (duh). Some rich kids (read in their late 20's) convince him to leave the country club gate open after hours so they can sneak in and have a party. They say it's for his 'birthday' but they openly mock him and he's not included in the party.
Of course the killings begin - not soon enough and not fast enough. And the way they die is pretty impossible most of the time. Being killed by having several tees embedded in your face is probably not going to happen. And where and why did the attempted humor get thrown in there? At the end (notice I'm passing by the other deaths 'cause I can that's why) the bad guy, which turns out to be his uncle (duh) is killed by the bacon grade Groundskeeper who apparently is his father.
The uncle gets a irrigation sprinkler head to the chest. It squirts blood like it would if attached to a hose. Allen and his new girl kiss (over the two dead bodies, gross) and LAUGH when his uncle's blood shk shk shk shks onto the both of him (that's the sound of a sprinkler). And that is all I've got to say about that.
Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.