Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, August 16, 2013

WATCHING DUMB MOVIES FOR THE FUN OF KNOWING IT'S GONNA BE DUMB




Jack Frost (1996)

It amazes me sometimes what people expect out of movies. This was, apart from the first five or so reviews from people who recognized this movie for what it was, royally dunned by those who saw it. 'Terrible special effects', 'bad acting', 'snow didn't even look real'. You'd have thought they were talking about the Michael Keaton movie of the same name that came out in 1998 (rimshot).


This guy's chin is a lethal weapon...
Yes people, this is a bottom-of-the-pile B movie but guess what - IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. This movie wasn't made to win awards, show innovative film techniques or superior special effects. It is what it is - a B movie about a serial killer that turns into a snowman. Some even complained about the fact that it looked NOTHING like the movie poster. Wow. They must be really fun at parties. Whatever. This movie still managed to become a cult classic. 

It's main claim to fame is beating a family movie of the same name and basically same plot (except not evil) by two years, and being the first movie Shannon Elizabeth of American Pie ever (ahem) appeared in. It also spawned an equally, uh, creative sequel four years later. But this is plenty enough for me, though I enjoyed the goofs,  like boom mikes being visible in the shots (here's a hint - if you're gonna be sloppy about your equipment, maybe you shouldn't put bright red covers on your boom mikes).


DUH times four...
Our movie plot is simple - a serial killer on his way to be executed in the same town he was caught (Snowmonton - that name by itself is worth a small giggle), who is being driven during a blinding snow storm is transformed when the truck collides with a super-secret experimental truck filled with a green goo that's supposed to do... something. It hits the escaped Jack ('This is going to hurt.') and melts him into human, uh, stuff in the snow. The... whatever that's in the goo starts its work and Jack and the snow become one.


Freddy never got THIS much action...
Let the silly murders commence! From no-way-in-hell decapitations with sled runners to a woman transformed into a (dead) Christmas tree, the deaths come fast and stupid. The rules to what JF can do seem to be made up as the movie goes along but that's okay. He can now become water and refreeze himself at will, which is great for getting into tight spots, killing a cop and of course the best scene of the movie - the bathtub 'rape' scene where JF gets a little frosty with the only teenage girl to live in town. Eat your heart out Freddy - you didn't get even close to that in your bathtub scene.

Most fun she's had all year...
Two men show up in town posing as FBI and since nobody knows anything in small towns they just accept it - even though these two seem to be the only humans on earth who can get to their town through the blizzard. The sheriff (who, for movie convenience, was the one to 'catch' JF by accident in a simple traffic stop) finally calls BS on them so we can get the infamous 'origin' story - the acid is to contain the human 'soul' so that in case of a holocaust, human DNA can be stored in it. Yeah that makes perfect sense because the only survivors of a nuclear holocaust will be roaches and scientists.

Looks normal to me...
So JF gets blown up, melted (duh) and even thrown in a furnace (steam - again duh) until the Sheriff, desperate, throws some oatmeal his young son made for him and that melts half of JF's face. Why? Well you know young kids - their primary goal is to kill you. The boy had made his father breakfast and, not wanting him to get cold, did the natural, logical, nasty kid thing - he put antifreeze in it. Good thing they didn't have any pets.

Everybody gets a little mixed up once in a while...
So yay, antifreeze. He has the local hardware store man fill the back of his pickup with the stuff and boom, into the green goes JF with some comical screaming and flailing of, um, bloody snow - sort of. The son, already proving himself to be a homicidal genius, notices that one of JF's arms is on the ground and picks it up. It wraps around his head and so he is 'baptized' in the antifreeze to melt it off. That'll teach him.

The liquid 'remains' of JF are put in the antifreeze bottles and buried and that's that. Um, not if they want a sequel it's not. Sure enough, as the dirt covers the bottles we can see the green liquid begin to bubble inside... waiting for the next stupid kid to make his parents Kool Aid or something...