Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, August 2, 2013


Urban Legends In China

Well I got a bit off topic in my last entry and if you're still with me congratulations - you're at least almost as twisted as me. No really, that was such a weird story that if it is true and not exposed as some elaborate hoax later will certainly be the weirdest, sickest story of the year. But let's look at some China spooky stuff for now, okay? 

Like other Asian countries, they are big on ancestors (as in being scared of 'em), grudges and curses. And they have both natural and supernatural just like every other country. It's just for some reason I had a hell of a time tracking some down - Google 'Chinese urban legends' and you'll get Japanese, American, news articles about the Chinese urban communities.... sheesh.

Baby Eating: This is a big one in a country where disposing of unwanted babies happens horribly often. There have been some media stories pursuing incidents involving the consumption of children and fetuses. Controversy was sparked when images showing what appeared to be human fetuses were being published in China. Reports later explained that the images were part of an artist's exhibition and was made to protest against cannibalism. And, as I stated in my last entry, don't be surprised if Japan's latest sensation turns out to be something similar. Oh, and accusing any person/country of doing this is called blood libel.

Advertising Misunderstandings: I like this one 'cause I'd heard about them since I was small so the fact that they're actually urban legends is funnier than hell. First we have one about Pepsi. The story goes that their campaign in China contained the phrase 'Come alive with the Pepsi generation' which actually translated into 'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave'. HA! Coca-Cola suffered a similar legend (I'd heard this one for YEARS and of course being stupid thought it was true.) when it was claimed that the name Coca-Cola says phonetically in Chinese 'Bite the wax tadpole' or 'Female horse stuffed with wax' (never heard the second one).

The Slit Mouthed Woman: Yup, this one's popular in China as well as Japan. You know what happens when you meet her but here's the backstory - Some say that she was a samurai’s wife although I've heard others say she was the wife of a famous plastic surgeon. One day, she cheated on her husband with a younger and better-looking man. When the husband returned, he discovered her betrayal; enraged and furious, he took his sword and slit her mouth ear-to-ear. Some say that the woman was cursed to never die, and still wanders the world so that people can see the horrible scar on her face and pity her. Or die. Whichever.

Men Are Bastards (my title): There was once a pretty girl from China (ugly people don't get to have stories) with great grades. Her family being poor, raised funds for her to go to college in another country. There, presumably because she was nice as well as pretty she got really popular. She met another Chinese student who was rich and they fell in love. Unfortunately she became pregnant and is disowned by her family. Her young man wasn't as wonderful as she thought and simply gave her money for an abortion and dumped her. So she commits suicide by jumping off a building (awfully common for young people in Asian countries). 

The so-called boyfriend gets scared and goes to a Taoist priest who gives him a talisman to hide himself during the Hungry Ghost Festival - a day when the dead visit the living. Hmm.... this is turning more into a novel. Let's sum up: In his room the boyfriend hears voices, smells something nasty and, even though he's supposed to keep his eyes closed for safety can't help but look. Apparently the girl landed on her head so she looked - ooky (my word) and he died of fright. 

Ummm, okay. Just a notation - this is one of those my cousin's sister's boyfriend heard it from a guy he went to school with kind of stories 'cause I ran into variations of this same tale (some have no boyfriend in it, some have her haunting the building she jumped from even to this day) all over - proving that with a good core, you can make any scary story you want without too much work.

Abortions/Miscarriages: Some of these get really preachy and of course they all happened to the mother of a friend that your brother once knew at least 20 years ago. It centers on the Chinese believe that life begins inside the womb (which is puzzling since they discard so many babies there) so they count their age from there, and if they die, special rituals must be done for their souls or they get nasty. So I don't know if this is a legend or a type of sermon. A woman has a miscarriage but didn't believe in rituals. 

It too is a long one so to sum up, one night the phone rings and the woman hears the voice of her daughter. She checks her room - the girl is asleep. The next night, same thing. So she consults a bomoh (healer). She is told the miscarried child is contacting her after 20 years because its spirit had found her and now wants to be part of the family. After the ritual the mother is ill for several weeks because of being spritually weak. Was that supposed to be scary or just bitchy?

Watch Your Back (my title): A married couple, with a young son, was always fighting, bickering, you name it. One day out of pure rage, the father murdered the mother. He hid his crime well, no one suspected anything. But he noticed something strange about his son. The boy never complained about the absence of his mother. When the father asks why the little boy replied, "I'm fine. I was just curious why you're always carrying Mommy on your back." 

Click (again my title): There was two ballerinas named Hyunji and Jihyun. Hyunji always won first place in every ballerina competition and Jihyun always won second. Out of jealousy Jihyun killed Hyunji. But karma's a bitch and soon afterward Jihyun gets in a car wreck and dies. Her parents come to the morgue when suddenly their dead daughter gets up and starts to dance. The father does the only sane thing possible. He takes pictures of her (?!?). Skip ahead five years when Jihyun's mom was looking through some old stuff and came upon the camera, the film still in it. She gets them developed and dies from fright. The father looks too and I assume he lives to tell that he saw Hyunji's spirit grabbing newly dead Jihyun's hair and was swinging it around, causing the corpse to dance...

Woof, these are bloody boring - I KNOW there's better Chinese stuff out there somewhere, wonder why I'm having such a hard time finding the damn stuff?