I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

OW OW OW MY FREAKIN' EYES C'MON YOU CAN'T DO THIS OW OW OW!!!




Robin Hood: Ghosts Of Sherwood 3D (2012) Germany/USA

I pity the poor idiot who watched this horrible piece of drek in 3D. It shouldn't be seen in 2D! Okay people, we're talking bottom of the barrel here and I'm not exaggerating. It is 116 minutes of excruciating cardboard acting, an 'action' film where the action seems to be to run from the forest to the castle back to the forest to the castle run to the witch back to the forest to the witch back to the forest to the castle... For 200,000 euro (that's $267,459.90 American) they obviously had to raid some beginners acting class for the cast so they could spend the rest of the money on Tom Savini and Kane Hodder. As for the 3D part, usually you can tell what shots they set up for it but in this one... nothing.

I'm seriously rethinking my position on watching any movie if a certain actor or actress I really like is in it. This horrid thing had Tom Savini playing the Sheriff of Nottingham which is the ONLY reason I plodded through it like a horse that knows it's on its way to the glue factory. This was actually in Netflix's 'horror' category although it it classified as an action/adventure/comedy. COMEDY??? It wasn't even horror much less comedy. The voices were obviously dubbed and the people read their lines like they were on thorazine. And here's how it went - briefly because just writing about it is giving me the same nauseous feeling I had watching it:

Robin, filthy hippy of Sherwood...

'Whether you're rich or poor, you're not leaving the forest.' With that witless tagline we learn that Robin Hood, although he tries to be sort of good is really an idiot and his merry men seem to keep more riches than they distribute around. Oh, and Robin Hood sucks with a bow and arrow - he can't even hit the ground. So he meets Maid Marian, kills her bodyguards and she's okay with that as long as he doesn't take their gold. She makes him promise to bury them with it. Of course he doesn't but after a small hissy fit she forgets it and supposedly they fall in love.

Maid In Japan Marian...

But Robin just plain sucks and he gets killed, almost - his friends are killed all the way. Hey, I didn't write this, stop complaining at me young ones. He ends up with a witch and since he was almost dead he gets a healing potion but his lifespan is now three years. His friends, dead under 24 hours get revived - the witch told him any time after 24 hours they don't come back - at least as humans.

Tom Savini actually thought he was attending a convention in Paris...

And she gives Robin a potion so that he becomes a master archer. Doesn't help him a bit though, he gets killed - AGAIN. So do all of his merry men. Except for some reason Little John (Kane Hodder) who just shows up out of nowhere. He provides the only comedy in this thing when he explains to Maid Marian that he WAS ugly but took one of the witch's potions to make him handsome - but he took too much so he's stuck being handsome. WAHAHAHAHA. That's it.

I am handsome! My mommy said I was!

Marian runs back to the witch with Little John but the witch knows the men will have been dead more than 24 hours and so refuses to give them anything so they just kill her and take it. These are the GOOD guys folks. Run run run and back to the bodies they give all the potion and wait. Sure enough, each wakes up, spitting up a ton of milk (not a whole lot for special effects here) and these dead-for-only-a-little-over-a-day men are now ravenous, nasty, rotting zombies - including Robin Hood. And Maid Marian is sooo heartbroken that she just cries and cries and cries...

Nope, I'm kidding with that one. Maid Marian DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP. Now she has to cover her ass so she and Little John sort through the potions they stole (which apparently are conveniently labeled) until they find a containment type of potion. Invoking it, it will keep all the zombies within Sherwood Forest. Maybe. They beat cleats out of there but not until Little John puts all the potions in his bag because, he says, if he has it he's an exalted wizard - if she's caught with them they'll burn her as a witch. That seems fair.

I'm the Sheriff - I don't wear helmets...

On their way back to the castle (And exactly why would they do that?) they meet up with the Sheriff and his pack of men. He asks if they've seen Robin Hood. They say sure, he's in the woods. Off they go and are never seen again - in this movie. Maid Marian runs the castle now and Little John is the Sheriff. Roll credits thank you God...

Good thing women's lib isn't for another couple hundred years...

Oh hell no! We're back into the movie with Sheriff Little John - he has a beginner witch in stocks and says she's gonna make potions for them or he'll burn her. These, I repeat, are the GOOD guys. And our horrid movie finally ends.

Horrid horrid horrid... this was released in Germany and straight to video in the USA - should have been straight to the müll.

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