Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

MOVIES SO IRRITATING YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE THE LIFE OUT OF THE ACTORS



Brain Dead aka Paranoia (1990)

Wait a minute (I can hear you say from all over the world) - Braindead was an excellent film (also known as Dead Alive) that was one of the bloodiest, goriest zombie fests there ever was... plus it was from New Zealand which really isn't known for gory or funny. Well, that was the 1992 bad bad monkey film created by Peter Jackson and almost ruined his career - that is until he did Lord Of The Rings - so now it is a cult classic about zombies. THIS is an American movie that is about... stuff.

This SHOULD have been good - after all, it is written by the brilliant but short lived Charles Beaumont who wrote so many classic horror and monster tales. It is one of Roger Corman's babies and is considered to be mind-bending horror/science fiction. I considered it to be 85 minutes of pure torture.

Which Bill is which? Do we really care?
Here's a quiz for you: What is even more horrible than having a movie star one irritating actor named Bill? TWO annoying actors named Bill. Yes, this spin-you-in-circles-'cause-nothing-else-is-happening yarn stars both Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman. Yeah, they've both done some good stuff but admit it. They. Are. Annoying. As. Hell.

Now the story is a truly wonderful piece of work. Charles Beaumont wrote some really mind-bending stuff (you can see some on the original Twilight Zone episodes) but what they did to this one is just criminal. You know how irritating it is in movies that everyone wakes up with a gasp, covered in sweat and sitting straight up in bed? 


'Cause everyone knows this is the most sterile method of brain surgery...
Okay I once asked if that ever really happened to anyone. I got ONE response for yes. So no, the general population do NOT wake up that way. In this movie, Bill Pullman's character Rex does this at least once every 10 minutes. That does NOT make for suspense, horror or drama. It. Is. Irritating.


Umm... what?
Plus the question that repeats itself endlessly until the credits run - is Rex really Rex or is he someone else? Every time he wakes up in sweat, he's someone else somewhere else and the whole world around him changes. That's not facinating - it's irritating and they don't explain anything so it gets boring. And we get to watch 85 minutes of this.

What it boils down to is this: Dr. Rex, whoever he really is, needs to get from the brain of a psychotic patient secrets only he knows to further the corporation while Jim (Bill Paxton) eggs him on to get it done and get it done NOW. 


What everyone needs - a screw top...
But as Rex performs his experiments on Halsey, he loses his own identity (I guess) and it appears that Halsey and Rex become either the same person or there really WAS no Rex to begin with... in either case the movie finally ends without answering any of your questions. Now are YOU irritated?