Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014


Bad Milo (2013)

I got a lot of flak for presenting a review of Bad Milo by doing a Ren & Stimpy skit in place of the movie. Nah, what, are you kidding? Nobody said a word. In fact, there just may be a few (very few) who actually think that WAS the movie. Maybe. Probably not. Nah.

But I looked at the premise and shuddered. It looked to me like a Troma movie maker who was given way too much money to make the typical Troma-type film. Then again, I AM the one who waited over a year to get a hold of a copy of Zonbi asu (Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead) (2011) which is, by far if you are comparing things that come out of your colon, the superior movie. At least watch it first. As it happens, both movies are currently streaming on Netflix.

But this is about a guy named Duncan. Duncan has had lifelong problems with the toilet. His problem is that way too much of his day is usually spent sitting on it. And stress makes it worse. He finally goes to a doctor who, after puzzling over the ultrasound, finally concludes that it's a polyp - one freaking you-just-bought-me-a-boat polyp. He schedules Duncan to have surgery but tells him in the meantime to stay free of stress.

Duncan is an accountant at an investment firm. Stress. He has just been transferred to Human Relations by his supervisor (the usually funny but not this time Patrick Warburton), a job he knows nothing about. Stress. The firm is going to be doing a lot of layoffs and he's in charge of doing it. Stress. His new office is actually a bathroom. Stress. His 'cubie' is a slob who hopes that the toilets still work. Stress. His mom is coming to dinner. Stress. His wife wants a baby. Stress. He sees a psychiatrist who urges him to 'let it all out'. Ick.

After having dinner with his cougar mom and her very young companion, he again spends an evening on the toilet. His wife, knowing the routine, puts in earplugs, takes a sedative and goes to bed. What comes next is straight out of a Robot Chicken sketch (I don't own this and apologize profusely to Seth and Matt). The problem with this movie is - they had an idea (gross, but an idea) and started strong and funny and then it just... died. It flopped around a little, but a couple of dull thunks on the head and it was dead as a doornail. How is a doornail dead anyway? It was never alive in the first place. I mean it's a NAIL for crying out loud.

Maybe if it was cleaned off it might look like... nah.
<Looking through Google> Okay, it's an ancient phrase, you can find variations of it in Shakespeare. But in carpentry, if you take a nail and hammer it in wood, flatten the end so it can't be removed, it's dead because you can't use it again. Umm what? So I guess a large, heavy iron 'nail' that is put on a door in this fashion gets to be 'dead as a doornail' 'cause it can't come off. At least that's what they're guessing.

Hmm? Oh yeah, poop demon. Ever see a company with a lot of money but low on original scripts so they throw a dart at a board and choose their next project from that? That would be this one. It was all anus and fart jokes, with a slimy (it's been in his butt after all) demon running around wasting people, turning them into red pate'.

So let's sum up: Man has colon problems. Man goes to doctor who tells him 'no stress'. He has a ton of stress. After a bathroom scene that would make a Troma producer blush Milo is born. He 'pops' out whenever he decides to kill anybody giving Duncan problems. Unfortunately, that includes Duncan's wife who is pregnant. 

Duncan's dad turns out to have his own (wrinkly) butt demon so they fight. Old demon dies. Duncan chops Milo up. They make up (?!?) and he stuffs him back into his anus (this movie is not recommended for viewing during meal times). So all are happy and our end scene (THANK GOD!) is of Duncan's wife and it zeros in on her little one and an even littler anus demon growing with him.

Please please PLEASE no sequels.