Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, February 15, 2014


Pure Terror

Ya gotta love Amazon. They're a little too convenient if you know what I mean and I think you do (I've got to stop doing that, sorry Joe Bob). You zip down a horror movie list and bam! A whole pack of different movies. Some have four, or eight - this one has fifty. The little pamphlet that came with it to list out each movie and a short synopsis (thank goodness) says Classic Features. Classic. Uh, I'm gonna let you decide on that one.

Disc One

Crucible Of Horror aka The Corpse (1971): Fortunately for me (maybe not for you) I watched this little gem already and reviewed it last February on the 16th, 2013. It is under the title If You're Gonna Kill 'Em Make Sure They Stay Dead on 2/16/13. So for this one, I'll just say it was... hmm. Basically this UK film was trying to be horrifying in telling its audience that a woman and her daughter would be willing to kill an abusive husband/father. Maybe in 1971 (in the UK) but this wasn't even remotely interesting and besides, they screwed it up so badly... well, read the review.

Double Exposure (1983): I'll tell you what it's about since the synopsis provided by the pamphlet is whacked. There's a photographer, his brother who's missing an arm and a leg (yes, I said that right, start getting used to stuff like this). I like how the only name in this movie is Cleavon Little (Blazing Saddles) and it says 'starring' but you'll see him in a total of oh, maybe two or three minutes. You'll also see a young Victoria Jackson playing a bimbo. Big stretch there. A photographer is having these horrid nightmares. He's killing people in violent and wild ways. He tells his brother and his psychiatrist about them (so we have three guys as suspects, not a lot to choose from).

The description says he takes photos for men's magazines which leads you to think there's a lot of nudity floating around. Nope. Among other shots he does is one supposedly for a plastic garbage bag commercial (like I said, get used to this), some sort of stock car stunt photo (Wouldn't they make that video?) and other settings. 

It never really says WHO he works for, actually. His brother, who actually WAS missing his left arm and leg (I don't think they had good enough effects to fake that in 1983) tell him that when he has a nightmare, make sure and call him right away and he'll help him. Whoops, I gave away the killer didn't I?

They try to lead you away from the brother 'cause you see the killer has two legs, but can you say prosthesis? Yup, the brother listened to the nightmares which gave him great ideas and he used 'em and killed for... some reason. Who knows. I just know that one killing (the plastic trash bag commercial) the model complains that the bag is sooo flimsy that as she scoops dry leaves into it it will probably break. The killer (not shown yet) gets another of those flimsy bags, puts in a hooded rattlesnake.... hmm? There's no such thing as a hooded rattlesnake? Sigh. 

The only reason anyone might try watching this...
They wanted a snake that looked really scary like a cobra but make noise like a rattlesnake so... you see, when two snakes love each other very, very much... you're not buying this, are you? Yeah, a lot of the movie is like that. The funny part (funny small ha ha) was that once the bag with this magical snake is on her head, the bag that couldn't hold leaves is impossible for her to rip open. Oookay. They also must have somehow combined honeybee DNA with it, 'cause it dies from biting her. Wow.

Another woman who was getting strangled by a guy wearing leather gloves COMPLAINS the whole time her throat is supposedly being crushed. You didn't expect reality in this, did you?

This movie is full of the stuff of the 80's people loved - people cheating on their spouses, taking cocaine, dancing at discos, complaining about alimony payments, and still being clueless enough to show gay people as being over-the-top gay. I know, I know, it's impossible to be not gay enough or too gay but this guy was ridiculous. Plus in the clubs he danced with women. Not a crime, I'm just saying they weren't enlightened enough (read honest) to show this man with a male partner. Did I mention the brother was the killer? I did? Good, then this review is over.

Horror Rises From The Tomb (1973) Spain: This film is horribly dubbed to almost incomprehensibility. Synopsis: A gentleman and his friends arrive at his family's ancient estate for some fun and relaxation. What the group finds instead is terror and bloodthirsty killings all as a result of a family curse. The decapitated head of the gentleman's ancestor is forcing the guests to act out the horrifying plans it is hypnotically sending to them.

Sounds half-way good, no? No. When you've got a guy who decides to write a movie and star in it himself... ick. This was slow, boring stuff. The only fun part was the head looked a bit like John Belushi (this also comes up in another film - but that's later). Massively annoying pipe organ music practically covers over the dubbing which is about four or five seconds off anyway.

See this... guy and his lady love are accused and convicted of witchcraft (and this voice in my head keeps saying "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"). He is beheaded, she is hung and burned. He vows to return to wreak horrible vengeance. Apparently it has taken him until the seventies to get around to it.

And then Paul Naschy (who wrote and starred in this) can't decide what kind of monster he wants to be. He's beheaded for witchcraft, but in the 70's he's reunited with his body so he's a zombie, right? Nah. Then he and his resurrected love start with the blood sucking. Okay, they're witch/zombie/vampires - got it. I just hope it's not catching.

Although we do get a brief scene with zombies (who are basically all the people he's killed in the course of this movie), it's still not enough to warrant sitting through this movie. What? They made a sequel in 1982? It better not be in this collection...

The Dungeon Of Harrow (1962): I thought this was a typo and it was supposed to be Horror. Nope. A B&W film set in Mexico but filmed in Texas, it's supposed to be about the Count De Sade - don't get excited, nothing happens in this thing. At all. Two men get washed ashore this island and discover the castle (Isn't it always a castle? It's never a cottage or just a two story house.). Let me break it down for you. First, you need to totally disregard the poster - none of that happens.

Old man likes to whip people - this consists of a rope winding around someones waist while a whip cracking noise is dubbed in about 3 or 4 seconds too late. He's nasty, his love has leprosy and his house maid (or whoever the hell she's supposed to be) falls in love with one of the men washed ashore. They wait for months for a ship to show up to rescue them. But when one comes, the men take one look at him and run screaming back to their boat.

Both he and his love have contracted leprosy. Now in the real world, about 95% of the population are normally immune. However, believe it or not, it can be transmitted by, and pardon the gross out, snot or armadillo. Or armadillo snot. Or snot on an armadillo. It's your choice. Oh did I mention this dude has been narrating the story in a monotone through the whole movie? No? At the end, his love looks like a living mummy (that's not how leprosy works either) and he decides it's time to put her in a coffin - alive. Now who's the monster?

This concludes Disc One and your torture is over - for the present. Mwahahahaha....