Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006)

Wow did this movie stink up the place - if the snow wasn't piled up outside I'd have had to open all the windows just to let this movie plot out and into the universe where hopefully those that made it will die on the fumes and never make another movie again.

Kidding, just kidding. It did really, really stink though. Before I begin, a little good news. Here's the good news - 61,000 views and growing! Thank you so much - I know you live all over the world (the internet tattles on you) and I am just amazed and grateful that you would even take a minute or two to look over my ramblings. Like this one:

First, all the boys do NOT love Mandy Lane (Amber Heard). They lust, fight, flirt and die for her, but love? Pffft. This is your typical 'movie ugly girl turns into movie hot girl and now the boys want to be first in line' if you know what I mean and I think you do (sorry Joe Bob). At a pool party, her platonic-but-wants-her-body BFF Emmet (Michael Welch of dubious Twilight fame) and another idiot decide to compete for her attention by getting good and drunk, then jumping off the roof into the pool. The BFF chickens out - the other, uh, misses. He's dead and Mandy no longer likes her BFF.
Skip ahead to the next school year where Mandy is very popular. At one of their frequent and endless breaks that no school has anywhere ever, several decide to go out to a remote ranch (uh oh) and have a party. I know, I know, I didn't even need my horror movie worksheet for this one - I was pretty much done after I saw the title.

Admit it - I could have gotten this picture from a
hundred different movies and you would never have noticed...
Gather your typical group of totally unlikable teenagers (median age was probably around 26 or so), send them to a huge ranch with a mansion that no one owns anywhere ever. They have tons of liquor and they're snorting what appeared to be cocaine as well as Nitrous Oxide from whipped cream containers (smh). We're talking cutting (the powder, not the cream) with credit cards, snorting with dollar bills - what is this, the 80's? Then one girl says it's her brother's ADD medication. Nice.

Adding insult to injury, they mangle a classic tune and the one they play straight shouldn't be here at all. Yikes. Quick quiz to all of you out there under 30 - without looking in Google, who is Bobby Vinton? Don't know? Ask your grandparents...

This teenage slasher film was worse than the usual one (if you read of 'brilliant direction' 'a real return to the slasher genre' you're either reading a paid review or the person worked on the movie). The kids are not even remotely likable (that includes Mandy), the first death doesn't come until 40 minutes into the movie. 

The girls have a hateful conversation about their warped perception of body images (you can almost hear the sirens of the bully police in the background) and anyone who doesn't fit a certain... criteria is NOT in their group. That includes Mandy's former BFF Emmet.

This movie had cardboard cutouts of the same teenagers we've seen in every freaking horror movie. The teenagers were hard to tell apart since their attitudes and speech were so similar. Bad direction, photography, casting, acting, special effects... shall I go on?

As this major duh yawn fest continues, the movie pushes you to believe that the killer is (surprise, surprise) Emmet, getting revenge for being shunned by the cool kids. Really? The way they all die is totally pedestrian (that's lacking inspiration or excitement for your bit of brain enrichment for the day). But as the movie goes on... people just aren't dying fast enough. And if you think Mandy is on the list, forget it. She's in the title, right? She's not gonna die.

One small continuity error and I really didn't bother to look for more: At one point Mandy gets into a disgusting fight in a pit filled with mud and the rotting bodies of diseased cattle. Winning but filthy from head to toe she rushes to get Garth and drive off. Who's Garth? Oh, some ranch hand they threw in for color I guess. You could tell him apart from the teenagers because he carried a rifle. 

So. I love one word sentences. So. The killings continue and it is finally revealed (what I knew before the beginning sequence was even over) that Many and Emmet had planned a suicide pact after wiping out all the snobs in the school. They're going to end it in a murder/suicide but Mandy (duh) has other plans. She whispers something we don't get to hear in Emmet's ear as he dies and takes off.

Anywho, she climbs out and runs to him totally filthy. But when they're about to drive off, her arms and legs are clean. Guess this scream queen didn't like caked mud... The only other thing I could complain about is that one girl had a rifle shoved through the back of her throat but when she's found she's sitting up and the blood is still gurgling - she's still alive? Really? Not really - it was a stupid way to build suspense I guess.

Garth thanks her for 'saving' him from Emmet - assuming she's a hero instead of a co-conspirator. And that's it. No explanation, no real ending, they just drive off. The end. Ninety minutes worth of the end.

And could somebody please, please, PLEASE tell me what Johnny Depp sees in her?