Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, July 13, 2014


Tank Girl (1995)

I was watching Sy Fy's new series Dominion, which is basically a show about why angels hate our guts because God disappeared 25 years ago... uh, he did what? Okay, so if (according to the Bible, unless we're just throwing that in a drawer and saying 'Nah, we'll make up shit') a thousand years is as one day to him, that means he's been gone (counting on fingers) - aw crap. I don't even think anyone can blink that fast. But, now some of the angels are pissed at us, apparently because some asshole gave God passage on a cruise ship and so he's been off on vacation for that fraction of a second of his time. 

Dum dum DUUUUM!  But mostly just dumb.
Even though we're just speck of dirt humans on a tiny planet in an infinite galaxy among infinite galaxies, we must be responsible, right? Right? So, depending on what level of the 'angelic system' they're on (apparently they go by the Indian caste tradition up there) they prey and wreak havoc (or just reek) and are trying to wipe us out.

Gabriel, the eeeeevil angel because,
you know, uh, actually no, I don't...
There are a few like the Archangel Michael however who are fighting to save us, for some reason that Michael won't really say - maybe he's just being a daddy's boy. Umm that's a BIG hint people, that most won't get because everybody threw their Bibles in a drawer somewhere. The Archangel Michael IS Jesus - it's another of his names. For WHATEVER REASON he's been trying to save us with a HUMAN 'chosen one'. Ohhhh, Jesus has been pwned. Gotcha. 

Nasty tic she's got there...
Anywho, there's a show on just before it that I have never watched, but because of unreliable showtimes I always start my recordings early and end late - I guess the show was named 'Defiance'. I had the last five minutes of the episode - all I saw was a couple of albino looking people with no clothes.

The Walking Dead Crew are looking bet..
oh wait, this is Crossbones, sorry.I could have sworn
 that was Daryl and Michonne in the left hand corner...
That's the other wild thing about Sy Fy. I don't know how much nudity and profanity people are used to seeing on television outside of the United States but here we were still pretty prudish. When I started watching Crossbones (I love Richard Coyle) I was shocked to find it was on NBC - wow, that's pretty daring for them. Partial nudity, some racy stuff and of course pirates so - you know - somebody gets knifed or shot on a regular basis.

Anywho, I was used to stuff from FX and AMC (especially after shows like Sons Of Anarchy and The Walking Dead) where we actually got nudity (Well, FX had cartoon nudity, does that count?) and a carefully dispersed use of the word 'shit' (except for the close captioning which just says '....' like deaf people can't bear to read bad language) which has not been on American television since, well, that episode on Comedy Central of South Park.

But now Sy Fy? Bare butts? Men and women showering side by side? Profanity (carefully spaced of course)? And (sigh) CGI violence? I'd kind of like to see daytime soap operas get this kind of treatment - bet the first week a lot of ladies faint dead away with the vapors... sorry, bad joke.

No, no, no - not THIS one.
The Archangel gets prime meat...
Long story short (way WAY too late) I was waiting for this show to end so I could point and laugh at Dominion (I mean c'mon - these angels took 'human bodies' so they can't see in the dark, can get hurt and stuff (like set on fire), BUT they can sprout wings whenever they want to and fly, or if they're of a lower 'caste' type, parkour (CGI style) all over the damn place (including on ceilings) and yet still be shot to death? Would you guys make up your freaking minds - are you superior beings or not? And why is the Archangel boffing some chick as soon as he comes down to Earth?

Oy, I'm getting a little verklempt, talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. God never has and never will disappear from the presence of his Angels and/or any of his creations. Humans may have been a creation he was proud of, but his Angels were and always will be the ones blessed to be in his presence. This 'God loves humans better than us' schtick has been present since, well, you know who. Discuss...

After all, they've GOT to be awfully
 sweaty under all that leather...
Okay, I'm feeling better now. Personally I want to see Michael and Gabriel (who is head of the human bashing) naked, and after showering together, fight in jello until they finally decide that all this is awfully silly and admit there's no damn way (sorry) that God could disappear without telling his 'sons' where he went. Geez. Oops, sorry - oh yeah, that's okay now, we don't know where Jesus is anymore (pssst - he's Michael, pass it on).

Ahem. So on 'Defiance' there's these three naked people in what looked like a hot tub of sorts and this song starts playing and my ears pick up (Yes, they actually move like a dog's ears, so what?) and I yell to the hubby "They can't use this song! You know this song!"

Sighing he comes in and I play the song for him. Nothing. I give him hints. Nothing. More hints... After a few minutes I say, "It's from Tank Girl, remember? When she was showering with sand?" Blank stare.

"Tank Girl? The world's a desert? Malcolm McDowall has a hologram for a head (I'll explain that in a minute)?" 

Comprehension strikes the boy. "Oh, you mean 'It's been swell but the swelling's gone down?'" See, since watching that movie, that's my favorite phrase - I use it a lot.

YES! Oh man I have to look that up, haven't heard it in years... The song? Roads, by Portishead. So I look it up to see why 'Defiance' got to use... oh. This song was used for the ONE Campaign, an international, nonpartisan, non-profit, advocacy and campaigning organization that fights extreme poverty and preventable disease, particularly in Africa. It was also used in the movies Nadja (1994) and Tank Girl (1995), and on TV in Millennium (1996-1999). I guess now they can add at least one more. I have always found the song achingly beautiful. Hmmm? What was this about?

OH OH OH I forgot... TANK GIRL!

Now Tank Girl started as a comic book (natch) and was adapted for the silver screen for a big, big price, getting a small, small return on their investment. That's what you get when you let Courtney Love do your soundtrack. Nah, just kidding - she only does one song on it, so although she did put it together, she actually picked some decent tracks. 

It's now a cult classic of course, so I dare you to find a decent copy (they're out of print) for under $20 that will play in District 1 (that's US and Canada for you non DVD collectors). Since I can get a pack of 20 horror movies brand spanking new for that price I'll never... okay, yeah, I ordered it. Now that I've come across it again, I can't get it out of my head...

I think the problem was with the way it was advertised. If you watch the official movie trailer, you'd think you were getting a super sci fi movie about a dystopian future where people fought the power in order to... nah.

If you saw the TV promo, you'd think this was The Lori Petty and Ice-T Show 'cause that's all they could talk about, like it was about those two taking on the world... nah.

Tank Girl IS a comic book. The movie tried it's best (pffft okay, they tried sort of but not well) to emulate that. Where it couldn't, it simply used, well, comics:

Okay, the world is without water - and the only place to get it lies with the BIG BAD CORPORATION Water & Power, run by big baddie Kesslee (Malcolm McDowall, for whatever incredibly strange reason). The 'rebels' are the ones who siphon off water to live any way they can. And Kesslee gets a hologram head. No, I guess I can't explain that. Not without putting you to sleep.

Ice-T? Okay, keeping this short (I KNOW!!!!) a scientist kind of messed with the gene pool to combine kangaroos and people - and in one case, a dog (kangadog?). They became known as the Rippers - and if they got hold of you, you found out quick why they had that name.

I won't even go into the puzzling dance/musical number in a brothel that they put in the middle of this thing. I'll just give you a few of my fave lines (besides the swelling one):

Kesslee: Eight, eight, the burning hate. Between Sunday and Monday there lies a day so dark it will devastate.

Tank Girl: Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues, shoot me now, please!

Tank Girl: (To one of the rippers) I have two words for you. Brush your teeth!

All right, all right, you forced me into it... ladies and gentleman, the great musical number! Just don't ask me how somebody from the future would know about Cole Porter (or the exact year of this classic)...


And the ending? Be glad about the ending - Tank Girl went through several incarnations before ending up on the big screen (not all of them good but...) and I saw one of the 'original' endings and it was... excuse me, I'm going to go find where I hid that Scotch bottle. Yikes. At least I found out where Sub Girl went off to (played by yet another Cusack sibling) - she was apparently left on the cutting room floor. She's probably glad about that one.

Oh yeah, about that show Dominion? That was a double DUH on my part - I've been waiting for the show that was supposed to copy the movie Constantine, you know, the movie where Rattlehead... umm I mean Keanu Reeves fought demons with a then-normal I-Don't-Wear-Shopping-Bags-On-My-Head Shia LeBeouf, although Constantine was doomed himself 'cause he... uh, anyway they're making it into a TV show 'cause hey, these days it's all demons and 'dem naked aliens so...

Yeah, the show will be called (take a big guess) and won't be on until October, so I had been watching the wrong show (four boring and laughable hours worth), wondering why they'd changed the story so much. So just for me... DUUUUUUUH!

I think I need a nap.