Gingerdead Man (2005)
I love it when people comment on my reviews, I just wish sometimes they'd get to the point. Or have a point. Or stick to their point. A recent one was about a movie I'd reviewed in 2012 and I won't go into particulars, but this person apparently considered 95% of horror movies to be pure shit. Also, it was this person's opinion that there are no truly scary movies because real life is scary.
|Sperm mix-ups - sounds like|
a perfect romcom to me...
In fact, today seems to be 'point the finger at the reviewer and call her a dumbass' day because I had another argue I needed to get my 'facts' straight about movies because I (GASP!) mislabeled a dog as a 'German Shepherd' when it actually was a 'Whosiwhatis' and you know how important it is to keep that shit straight. It also said a sequence of events was wrong but I read it over and gee... no. No it wasn't. I would stick my tongue out but that would be childish and besides I DO THIS FOR FUN (cackles loudly).
|There's those pearly whites...|
Don't get me wrong - I actually really like Gary Busey. I especially like that he embraces the things said about him without hatred and actually can join in the fun. Have you seen his latest commercial? I laugh every time - mostly 'cause I act the same way sometimes and if you're honest about it, you have too.
Unfortunately one of those POOFs did not happen with this movie. I remember it quite well. Sigh. First of all, the things I noticed most about this movie weren't the things in it but the things it expected us to just ASSUME. Things that you're supposed to know that DID happen. Unless there's an extended version out there and I got the short version (to which I say THANK YOU)... in either case, here we go:
In a Texas diner Millard Findlemeyer (?!?) is working on a steal/kill spree. He (Busey) shoots indiscriminately, obviously insane (pfffft). Included in the victims by the time he's caught is Sarah's (Robin Sydney) father and brother. She testifies and he's sent to the chair. Now it says (in the wiki) after he's fried, he's turned to ashes and his mother mixes him into a tub of gingerbread spice. That's... not explained in the movie. No no no... don't add anything please!
|Nothing says 'love' like|
blood-tinged gingerbread dough...
|Geez, no wonder they're not making |
any money. A dozen of these for $1.99?
We've got five young people to slaughter and one old lady (Sarah's alcoholic mother). And it's a slow start. And gets slower. Hey, how fast CAN a cookie run anyway? And it has a knife, not an AR-15 so we're not talking fast death rates here. Although he does manage, somehow, to get out of the bakery and run a guy down with a car (using a rolling pin to push down the gas pedal of course). He then somehow gets back into the building to terrify (yawwwwwn) the rest of the idiots.
The rest is just Ho! Ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! Umm, wait, no, that's not it. So the movie continues... screams, <sarcastic cookie remark from Busey>, more screams, one dies, <sarcastic cookie remark from Busey>, more screams... do we get the pattern?
|But first this happened...|
|If they bring out the Naturon Demonto, I'm suing...|
Finally the possessed Brick is burned to death in the oven. Very nice. Buuuuut... months later Sarah has a bake sale to raise money for a hospital and the nurses have brought their own cookies (Uh, what?), a box of gingerbread men. The last scene shows their eyes open. Yikes.
Yup there are three of these turkeys (plus some spin offs) and they announce the second at the end: Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion Of The Crust.
I am NOT kidding.