Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, July 21, 2014


Gingerdead Man (2005)

I love it when people comment on my reviews, I just wish sometimes they'd get to the point. Or have a point. Or stick to their point. A recent one was about a movie I'd reviewed in 2012 and I won't go into particulars, but this person apparently considered 95% of horror movies to be pure shit. Also, it was this person's opinion that there are no truly scary movies because real life is scary. 

Sperm mix-ups - sounds like
 a perfect romcom to me...
Hmm, where have I heard that LAST sentence before... oh yeah, I've been saying it for TWO YEARS on this blog. Then somehow the subject of the comment turned to unicorns and... yeah. I suggested maybe a soothing romcom (anything with Jennifer Aniston would probably do it) or something with Johnny Depp in it if horror wasn't their cup of tea, so to speak.

In fact, today seems to be 'point the finger at the reviewer and call her a dumbass' day because I had another argue I needed to get my 'facts' straight about movies because I (GASP!) mislabeled a dog as a 'German Shepherd' when it actually was a 'Whosiwhatis' and you know how important it is to keep that shit straight. It also said a sequence of events was wrong but I read it over and gee... no. No it wasn't. I would stick my tongue out but that would be childish and besides I DO THIS FOR FUN (cackles loudly).

There's those pearly whites...
This movie was part of the MIDNIGHT HORROR: TERROR & TORMENT series of eight less than stellar examples of the genre. But hey, Gary Busey gets to be a cookie. If Brad Dourif can be a dolly for umpteen movies, why not Gary as a cookie? The only thing wrong with the cookie? It had no teeth. Somehow, that just didn't seem right (pffft).

Don't get me wrong - I actually really like Gary Busey. I especially like that he embraces the things said about him without hatred and actually can join in the fun. Have you seen his latest commercial? I laugh every time - mostly 'cause I act the same way sometimes and if you're honest about it, you have too.

Hey, why do you think I have a dictation program? Okay, yes, for my hands which don't work properly most of the time without me having to sit on them (no I will NOT explain that again), but I also get frustrated at things not going as quickly as I'd like them to. I still have a decent typing speed but there are times when you have this idea and you've got to get it out quickly but POOF... your brain skips a synapse and it's gone. Most of the time permanently.

Unfortunately one of those POOFs did not happen with this movie. I remember it quite well. Sigh. First of all, the things I noticed most about this movie weren't the things in it but the things it expected us to just ASSUME. Things that you're supposed to know that DID happen. Unless there's an extended version out there and I got the short version (to which I say THANK YOU)... in either case, here we go:

In a Texas diner Millard Findlemeyer (?!?) is working on a steal/kill spree. He (Busey) shoots indiscriminately, obviously insane (pfffft). Included in the victims by the time he's caught is Sarah's (Robin Sydney) father and brother. She testifies and he's sent to the chair. Now it says (in the wiki) after he's fried, he's turned to ashes and his mother mixes him into a tub of gingerbread spice. That's... not explained in the movie. No no no... don't add anything please!

Nothing says 'love' like
 blood-tinged gingerbread dough...
Okay, first - ewwwww. Second, what, we're supposed to just KNOW all this happened? 'Cause we only know he got the chair from a quick look at a newspaper article (and his voice-over 'I'm gonna get you' type of thing) and a box of 'Grandma's GingerBread Seasoning mysteriously shows up at the back door so of course they use it without question. DUH. Even after blood gets spilled into it... remind me never to go to a bakery again as long as I live.

Geez, no wonder they're not making
any money. A dozen of these for $1.99?
For, uh, script reasons, Sarah makes one huge, insane gingerbread man instead of the small, sane ones other bakeries might choose. And so we continue...

We've got five young people to slaughter and one old lady (Sarah's alcoholic mother). And it's a slow start. And gets slower. Hey, how fast CAN a cookie run anyway? And it has a knife, not an AR-15 so we're not talking fast death rates here. Although he does manage, somehow, to get out of the bakery and run a guy down with a car (using a rolling pin to push down the gas pedal of course). He then somehow gets back into the building to terrify (yawwwwwn) the rest of the idiots.

The rest is just Ho! Ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! Umm, wait, no, that's not it. So the movie continues... screams, <sarcastic cookie remark from Busey>, more screams, one dies, <sarcastic cookie remark from Busey>,  more screams... do we get the pattern?

But first this happened...
Finally one idiot, a guy with dreams of being a wrestler (Really? Is this the '80's or something?) pounces on Cookie Busey and starts chewing off his head. Okay, ewww. Especially when blood starts gushing out of the cookie neck. It sure wasn't strawberry jam. He chews and chews and the cookie is silenced (well duh, he ate its' mouth).

If they bring out the Naturon Demonto, I'm suing...
The idiot (okay, his name was Brick) drinks a quart of milk and everything is now all right with the world. Pffft. Nah, he turns into a very cheap imitation of Ash when he was possessed in Evil Dead 2. How do I know? Trust me people, I know my Evil Dead - besides, he makes it obvious when he says 'give me some sugar baby' to Sarah. BLASPHEMY!!!

Finally the possessed Brick is burned to death in the oven. Very nice. Buuuuut... months later Sarah has a bake sale to raise money for a hospital and the nurses have brought their own cookies (Uh, what?), a box of gingerbread men. The last scene shows their eyes open. Yikes.

Yup there are three of these turkeys (plus some spin offs) and they announce the second at the end: Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion Of The Crust.

I am NOT kidding.