Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

WHY THE FREAKING HELL DID THEY EVEN BOTHER MAKING THIS MOVIE AND IN WHAT WORLD DID THEY THINK THIS COULD HAPPEN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM... OH WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S THE OTHER FOUND FOOTAGE MOVIE NAMED EVIDENCE THAT WAS MADE ABOUT THE SAME TIME... NO, NO IT'S NOT... YES IT IS YOU IDIOT, CAN'T YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE... NO IT IS NOT, THIS ONE HAS RADHA MITCHELL... OH, WELL OKAY THEN...




Evidence (2013)

That's right terrible movie fans - TWO found footage movies named 'Evidence' were made pretty damned close together and both sucked. THIS one had Radha Mitchell in it, a strong character actress that I usually like very much in everything she does. Unfortunately, in this movie, she does nothing but hold her boobs together to make sure she has cleavage showing. I'm not kidding. Look at the movie poster. That's pretty much her pose through much of this movie.


The 'found footage' aspect revolves around the ridiculous story of a massacre at some decrepit auto body shop in the middle of the desert in Nevada. At the beginning of the movies there's a really cool shot that has the whole scene frozen in 3D (no it's not really but it looked cool) as cops, SWAT, whatever, bagged burned up body parts and other detritus. 


...and one person must have their
hands to their face in horror at all
times... take turns, it's only fair...
It's Detective Burquez' (Really? We're going to call her that? Whatever...) job (played with one expression by Radha) to examine the footage from the victim's cameras that somehow was left behind and still watchable (DOESN'T THAT TELL YOU THE WHOLE STORY RIGHT THERE YOU IDIOTS? IT'S PRETTY BAD WHEN MY HORROR MOVIE WORKSHEET PATENT PENDING IS FILLED OUT BEFORE THE CREDITS FINISH UP) to determine what killed...


...that's right, play nice - it's your turn...
We have a dysfunctional couple (natch), the girl's BFF (natch again), a young kid going to Vegas to be a magician's apprentice (Wait, that's a thing?), a Russian ballet dancer (Say that again?), a paranoid woman clutching a bag (Uh huh), and the driver. That's it. Oh wait, no it's not - the driver has to pick up one more passenger in this out of way place clear out in the desert, uh, uh oh..... wait a second, I can't hold this in...

DDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


"Okay, this time it's aliens, I swear!"
I'm so sorry about that. Anywho, Radha has help - the "emotionally damaged detective" who's supposed to be on leave but insists on helping. Oh yeah, and the video "expert". I  have a serious question. No, really - it's deadly serious. Why? Why did they? Why did they have? Why did they have a video expert? Why did they have a video expert to manipulate the film so they could watch it when he clearly had to take all his direction from the EDD (emotionally damaged detective played by Stephen Moyer) because for some reason he's an expert but knows nothing about what he's doing? Sigh.


Well, at least we know she probably didn't do it...
So these three sit in a room watching this damaged footage and Radha's job seems to be to jump to a conclusion at regular intervals during the movie and run out and give a press conference. No, really - that's about it.


Wow, his gum's still wet!
I'm doing this review in an angry mood and that's not good, but I dare you to try to watch this movie in a good mood. It can't be done. It's so contrived, obvious AND impossible you wonder why they wasted the film. AND you wonder if you should have watched the OTHER 'Evidence' movie instead. No. No you shouldn't have. You should have taken your kids out for ice cream and screw the movies.


This is known as a 'Psycho Selfie'...
Okay let's recap briefly. A girl dreams of the ultimate film role. Together with the boyfriend she has just publicly humiliated by refusing his marriage proposal, her BFF, a young Asian kid, a Russian ballet dancer, and the unknown psycho woman and oblivious bus driver, all are on their way to Vegas - after they pick up one more passenger. But they've been on this dirt road for two hours now... uh oh, here it comes again...

DDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO sorry about that. The young man offers to show his skills to the rest and does a move I recognized instantly. Now I don't watch talent shows. I missed the rise of Pentatonix as a terrific a capella group, and a certain young man (who turned out to be almost 40) who won a contest for this performance, which I'm including because it is the only entertaining thing about this review and I'm so, so sorry about that:




See the neck drop? That's what the kid did in the movie. Now this fellow, Kenichi Ebina does teach classes so I'm not accusing the kid of copying anybody - it was one of the few interesting parts of the movie (even if it lasted only three seconds).

Okay, everybody's at the abandoned whatever and there's a psycho in a welder's helmet, apron, and the looooongest acetylene torch hose I've seen in my life. This psycho took that torch EVERYWHERE. Most of the rest of the movie is watching this very bad hand held horror movie unfold (with constant interruptions of the bad film plus the EDD barking orders at the 'expert').

Suddenly they find that some of the footage that only they are supposed to have has been leaked onto YouTube. Uh huh. Now their game changes - it's a race against time before.... <YAWWWN> the rest of the footage appears to the public when they don't know who did the crime...

If I told you who that was, you'd shrug and say, "So?" And I wouldn't blame you. And I very much doubt YouTube would allow a snuff film on their site. Animal abuse, sure. Underage girls being abused, maybe. Shokushu Goukan (looking this up is not advised) possibly, at least for a short period of time. But snuff films? Especially for a crime currently being investigated by police? Pfffft.