Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

WELCOME TO THE JAPANESE UNDERWEAR... UM, I MEAN UNDERWORLD. PREPARE TO BE SCARED TO DEATH! OH I'M SORRY, I MISUNDERSTOOD THE DUBBING - PREPARE TO BE BORED TO DEATH!





Underworld (2002) Japan

Wow, what a stinker. This was a 'package' movie from Amazon describing six movies of terror as only the Asians can bring it - which means it was confusing, dumb, full of kids committing suicide and dying of stupidity, and, worst of all (or maybe best of all), they weren't movies. They were short stories. Geez.

A man solemnly introduces and concludes each little movie with a look which basically said 'Listen, I'm a grownup and I'm going to tell you about stupid kids and why they die'. If  you've even watched a few horror movies you already know that. Duh.

He kind of reminded me of Jack Palance, when he hosted Ripley's Believe It Or Not - a smug know-it-all who, even though he had the script in front of him, acted like he already had all the answers and the rest of us were just bumbling idiots. I think. I dunno, I started getting fuzzy after the third story.

I won't torture you with the details - it was all the usual stuff. Suicide, stupid girls getting into trouble, chain emails that kill, fear of the dead and ancestors, etc. - all those tired cliches that's seeping into the Western horror genre as well. The short (and boring) stories are:


  • Chain Mail
  • Left Behind The Mountain
  • Tattoo
  • Viewfinder's Memory
  • Guardian Angel
  • Mortuary

Oh well, if the West can churn out garbage as fast as it does, why not the East? Ya know, I've got to go down to Wal Mart one of these days (when I can actually move) and dig through that DVD bin they've always got with billions of horrible movies and see if I can find some more bad horror. Can't be any worse than what I've found so far.