Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


Eternal Darkness of the Blood-Spattered Mind

Well kids I've been struggling trying to make a logical, methodical (and funny) review of Oculus (2014) but I'm having a hell of a time. Remember when I took Insidious 1 and 2 and put them together because they were pretty much the same story happening at the same time? Well, Oculus is like that - except the freaking thing has the two stories run concurrently - one with the protagonists as kids, one as adults. That means at times you may see the adults walk right past the kids and vice versa... I thought meh, no sweat, I've done it before.

Okay this isn't us but I couldn't find a
 picture with two people glued to a
computer constantly backing up the movie...
Buuuut I'm having a bit of difficulty concentrating right now, and this is definitely a movie you need to pay close attention to. Oh I've got my notes and even the hubby's help with this one (a lot of the movie was watched with the words 'Wait, back that up' from both of us, so a 90 minute movie took us about two hours) but I just can't seem to get it to gel yet.

I'm also looking for a good (not ripped, c'mon guys, when a DVD is "brand new" and has no label we know you just made a copy - we're not that dumb) original edition of Dead Alive (or Braindead, depending on what Country you're in) since that is my fave movie with the most volume of the red stuff I think that hasn't been equaled or surpassed. Oh wait, Cabin In The Woods (which I'm also looking for) was supposed to have beaten them in the red stuff category, right? At least nobody has corrected me when I found that it is now the movie that has used (we're talking in gallons) the most. Maybe I better correct myself...

See, I'm not talking about gore, just the splatter. There's a difference and... umm, you may want to read this later if you're eating. There's gore, which is the taffy pulling, the arm ripping, the head chopping stuff. Then there is the faux blood and how much is used to splash around. THAT's what I'm looking at. There are movies with lots of the first but not much of the second, and vice versa.

By now you should know I have a twisted sense of humor about these kinds of movies. When I first saw Dead Alive (Braindead), it was on the IFC channel. I watched it and laughed until I was sick. There was so much blood splashed around, I think they started to run out of red, because things definitely got a bit pinkish toward the end. And the scene with the single-blade lawnmower... I just laughed harder.

For the gore aspect, if it's in the right context, that's pretty damned hilarious too. Take Re-Animator. Now you know I'll watch anything with Jeffrey Combs in it. I had no idea this movie existed (this was before I started this blog) so I actually saw it only within the last couple of years. THAT was tons of gore, not a whole lot of blood. Okay, a good amount but not a LOT. And again, I laughed myself sick. Not so much with the sequels, but that's the way it usually goes with sequels anyway, right?

Did I have a point? No? Meh, that figures. Oh oh oh... getting DVD's of movies. I was looking through eBay offerings (unless you have something very specific in mind, that can take HOURS) and wondered - I saw several I really wanted but wait - did I already have them or not? Ummm... sigh. Looks like I'll be taking a little time to make a catalog for myself so I don't end up with three copies of some movie like Jack Frost 2 or something equally horrible. I probably already do have doubles, since I usually get my horror movies in packs so I'll be busy today making an alphabetized list for myself - after a good long nap.

Hmm... there seems to be
a lot of whining missing here...
I can't complain too much about the weather in the Pacific Northwest - we seem to get off pretty easy when it comes to extreme weather. I know there have been some horrible tragedies across the nation (not to mention other Countries) and this is only July. But when you've got fibromyalgia (stand by for the sob story kiddies) every little change in weather pressure, temperature, hell, even the wind, means that I'm down. Even with my tape recorder (which I do keep with me just in case a synapse in my brain connects without warning and I get an idea) and my dictating programs, there are times when staring at the ceiling (or the back of my eyelids) is the most I can do. Poor, poor, pitiful me. Pffft.

Aw c'mon, we know you're just being lazy...
Even I get tired of the fibro whining - I know that if I didn't have it and heard somebody else complain about it, I'd kind of look at them like 'You look fine to me' so I don't blame those who don't know, don't understand, and don't care. We have only just recently begun to understand the hardships of those with mental disorders (I'm raising my hand on that one too, by the way), and now we're supposed to believe that somebody whining 'everything hurts' means they have an actual disease? Really?

Yup. It's real, it's documented, and it doesn't go away. Ever. And I really can't criticize those who don't want to hear about it. I certainly don't and I've been dealing with it for... oh geez, it's been at least a decade now. That. Sucks. Rocks.

Sooo.... coming up is hopefully a coherent rendering of Oculus, plus maybe I'll print my list of movies available for viewing and reviewing... and if you see one you absolutely want/do not want done, I will/will not do it. 'Cause I kind of like you guys. Thanks to you, readership on this blog will be approaching 100,000 soon and that just brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. And that means a lot to a whiny fibro chick.