I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

A Most Spectacular Craptacular Movie Marathon Weekend


Throw-Away Movies That Can Still Be Kind Of Fun

A Fate Totally Worse Than Death
aks Bad Girls From Valley High (2004) Direct To Video


Sometimes when you know in advance that a movie is going to be totally worthless and stupid, you kind of relax and decide to watch it anyway. This had two names and why they are here I have no idea: Christopher Lloyd and Janet Leigh. And it's dumb and here goes:

We start with your basic three bitches here. Oh, and just to let you know, all stereotypes are well represented here - I don't think they missed anybody. Anyway, Danielle, Tiffany and Brooke are total... well, you know. They are 'Pines', a clique that simply means they live in an upscale housing development called One Hundred Pines. And Danielle has been chasing Drew (Jonathan Brandis, sadly in his last role before committing suicide at the age of 27. This film was released posthumously). The three girls volunteer at a nursing home, only because Drew works there. Danielle is supposed to be taking care of a stroke patient but instead she watches music videos, and raids the woman's chocolate supply with the other two.

Exactly one year to the day that a student named Charity Chase killed herself (her death was actually caused by our bitches) a new exchange student from Romania shows up (DUM DUM DUM) named Katarina. She and Drew immediately hit if off, to the fury of Danielle. And strange things start to happen. The three notice changes that really start as annoying then alarming. They're slowing down, their hair is going grey, one loses a tooth biting into a piece of candy, one develops a horrible gas problem and another is losing her vision. They realize that they are aging rapidly, and of course, since Katarina is from Romania, they figure it must be her doing. They conclude, being really stupid, not just movie-stupid, that she must be the 'ghost' of Charity.

What was Christopher Lloyd doing during this movie? Basically getting the snot beat out of him. Anything that can hurt him happens to him. He's spying on these three girls because he really liked Charity and believes them to be responsible somehow. But all he seems to gather is more injuries - his whole performance is one big pratfall.

Meanwhile, the girls have to do something - quick. Danielle is now having to wear adult diapers, and we have an absurd moment where she's trying to buy them but of course the clerk needs a price check - it takes too long and closing her eyes in relief, she pisses herself in the store. Was this supposed to be real humor? Nah, this is pure throw away, take what you can get and get out. So to break this 'curse' they decide Drew has to die to reunite with Charity and they'll get their looks back. At Danielle's 18th birthday party, they lure Drew to the same place Charity supposedly killed herself, some kind of gorge, until Katarina shows, swears she's not a ghost or anything else, but the girls decide to kill her anyway. But one of them, Brooke (the gassy one) had never been 100% with the girls, more bullied into following than anything, and realizing enough is enough, prevents Danielle from shooting.

Although Brooke is not too bad off, Danielle and Tiffany are near death. They find themselves in the same old folks home they had screwed around in, as patients this time. They are visited by a vibrant woman (Janet Leigh, looking good) who explains the basics of the plot: She was not comatose as Danielle had believed. She was also Charity's grandmother (big surprise there). So she has a friend at a drug company who's into biological warfare (I said this was an explanation, I didn't say it was a good one) and brought her a concentrated poison that ages the body. She had it put into the chocolates. Now Brooke only had a couple of pieces but the other two had gorged themselves on the whole box. After this both girls flatline. Brooke comes to their funeral, having had some plastic surgery to look a little better - Christopher Lloyd decides hey, good enough for me. Until he's knocked into an empty grave. Ouch.

Both Danielle and Tiffany wake in separate luxurious suites, now young and beautiful again - must be Heaven. But while there's a CD player, there's no CD's. Enter the stereotypical nerd who's been pursuing them the whole movie - with the back of his head blown out. He had killed himself to be with them, playing Disco. Forever. In Hell.

 All the cars had Washington plates, which usually means it was filmed in Canada and like I said a complete throw-away. But there was still a little fun to it.