Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Movies You Watch Because Of Who's In Them



Scream Of The Banshee (2011) Sy Fy

Just how many Banshee movies can they make? Dumb question I guess - same as with vampires, cannibals, zombies, etc. If it's cheap to make and Sy Fy is willing to show it at least once a month, it'll be made. Why did I watch it then? Well, Lance Henricksen was top billed, as well as Lauren Holly from NCIS. I originally posted she was from CSI, but I confused my redheads, that was Marg Helgenberger, a sharp-eyed reader caught that, thank you. The Lance billing was a rip - he shows up in a few computer videos but is not actually in the movie until the last ten minutes. Touche' Sy Fy.

Not even important for Wiki to make even one paragraph on it, this piece of fluff starts in Ireland in 1188 AD when a group of Templar Knights make a weapon and 'prison box' and hunt down and capture a Banshee. Exciting, huh?

Fast forward to an American University where a group is busy trying to sort through and categorize artifacts. They find a gauntlet and a map. Being movie-stupid, they instantly follow the map which leads to a secret room where a wooden box with the name Duncan on it is found. Now Lauren Holly is playing Professor Isla Whelan, a whiz at this stuff who apparently has all the catalog numbers of the artifacts memorized, but for some reason she has to write 'Duncan' on her arm. Even though they bring the box out and open it. Duh. And the duh just gets worse.... of course when opened it's the head of the banshee. They videotape it, and suddenly its eyes pops open, it screams, and disappears into ash. Now all who heard it (everyone in the building at the time) is now targeted because apparently if you hear a banshee wail, you're dead. If you scream back. Apparently banshees have very strict rules about who they kill. Duh.


Where's Lance? Oh he's playing a 'psycho whack job' named Duncan (Good thing she wrote that on her arm huh?) who was a past Professor kicked out for going nuts and becoming a doomsday prophet. He's recorded many internet messages about the end of the world, and tries a soft southern accent, which slips in and out. So since they have to find him because people are dying one by one (and some think they've been killed only to find out they're not - what a gyp) they track a former colleague of his and after a couple more deaths and destruction, they get to the 'whack job's' house. He's got mannequins all over the place (partial - and the woman have their nipples taped over - massive duh) as well as enough barbed wire to keep the world out and other goodies. He lets them in but starts shooting at them. 

They had brought the now open box with them and he wants it. When he finds out three people have died, he's disappointed. He wanted it to be a lot  more. Nice. At one point he attaches a chain to the box and when his former colleague tries to grab the box he pulls and it 'snaps' shut, taking the man's fingers with it. He yells - then immediately after shows no sign of pain or anything, like he'd broken a nail or something. Massive duh.



So of course the Banshee had followed them. It gets a double sword in the gut (too long to explain) and the others start shooting it. It kills Lance (wow, what a great part he had in this thing) and tries for the others but they manage to once again trap the head inside the box. And although they've all lost people they care about, they're happy. And so are we, because this wretched thing is over.

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