Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Shoy's Saturday Craptacular Extravaganza Marathon 




Rohtenburg aka Grimm Love (2006) German


No, sorry, this is not a Brothers Grimm story. This really isn't even a story at all. Oh yeah, you get the 'inspired by a true story in Germany that happened not too long ago' crap that tells you instantly what you're about to see is a waste of time. Sigh. But you know my motto so here goes - briefly 'cause there really isn't anything to this movie to report.


The claim is that September 17, 1998 one Oliver Hartwin went on a cannibal chat room (Say what? Did he mean to type in 'Christian' and got an automatic spelling correction or something?) to advertise that he wanted 'meat' - serious responses only please. Oh yeah, this is real. Okay so a man named Simon Grombeck, a seriously damaged dude responds and is almost joyfully dead within hours. It takes Oliver a while to eat on him, but eventually the meat gets low so he 'advertises' again... this time taken seriously by whoever actually looks at these things (oh what a great job that must be) and arrested and jailed - but apparently not for life. No? Cannibalism apparently isn't such a big deal in Germany. What do you think they make all those sausages out of anyway? Uh, sorry about that. Actually there was a cannibal murder case of a man named Armin Meiwes but I doubt it was anything similar to this.


So we have a monotone narrative by a girl doing her graduate study on this guy for God knows what reason - I personally thinks she's just like those who like to gawk at horrific accidents. She even travels to Germany to take pictures of where Oliver grew up, where he lived when he got his 'meat' and breaks into his house to get a 'feel' for the guy. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie whatsoever.


We are told that cannibals are usually schizo (Oh really?) or have deeply damaged psyches and blame parenting and backgrounds. Oh yeah, it's always the parent's fault when your kid eats someone's face. Maybe they were just the first to try bath salts.


Anywho, both eater and eaten were homosexual, I have no idea what they were trying to say with that one and I'm not touching it. The monotone female continues her narration, finally gaining a copy of the 'tape' of the actual slaughter and meal - and watches about ten seconds of it before tearing it up and that's the end of the movie and the end of two hours of my life - if I didn't have that lovely fast-forward button.
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