I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Oh My God No! Another Shoy's Saturday Craptacular Extravaganza Marathon


Primal (2009) Australia

Have I mentioned that I rarely like Australian horror films? Maybe because it's the different cultures being afraid of different things. With Australia it seems to be nature, animals, or ancient type beings hiding in the outback. This is no exception. Basic premise: Take six young people you hate immediately, send them somewhere with no phone service and kill them one by one. Hmmm... that seems familiar somehow.

They try to put a twist on the story by saying this is something ancient that those who painted on rock walls tried to warn future generations of, but future generations just got stupider and stupider so warning them doesn't do any good. A group of people who are in college I guess are wanting to see these paintings for some thesis or something, we really don't care. To get to the side with the painting they have to walk through a tunnel in the rock which freaks out one of the girls - she's claustrophobic. Sigh. She drives around while they walk through. We get a scene of a young girl, no idea who, who is obviously massively bonkers who is killed by - uh - her dad I guess. No explanation and no other reference is given.

So six people you hate are together around the campfire being stupid, disgusting and just your generic type of movie people. One blonde decides to go for a swim - she strips and splashes about for a bit. When she gets out, she's covered in leeches. That was almost funny. Almost. They use salt to get them off of her (that is NOT advised by medical sources, it makes the leech 'throw up' so to speak and more infection can get into the wound) and she seems fine. Until later that night she gets a fever, then her teeth fall out, then new, very sharp, very fake teeth immediately grow in. She goes nuts and becomes (TA DA!) super-blonde. She attacks the others, and one beats her over the head with a club - with no effect. He must have slammed her head a dozen times but she just ran off. My only funny to go with this whole movie: "She took more hits than Cheech and Chong." Sorry, by this time I was thoroughly disgusted and just wanted this over. But no, you have to wait with a lot of howling, her appearing out of nowhere to attack the others, but for some reason not wanting to go near the tunnel they came through.

So finally they start dying (one other 'turns' from contact with the same water the blonde swam in, the rest die) and the only 'alive' girl left is our claustrophobic who has to go through the tunnel to escape (of course). She finds why the psychos don't want to go in there - it's alive. No really, that's the big secret. Think of it more like a 'mouth' than a tunnel. I guess. It captures her with vines and tries (or succeeds, they didn't get that graphic) to 'rape' her and impregnate her with... something but she breaks free and gets out the other side. To what? She has no transportation, she's in the middle of nowhere, no supplies.... but this is a happy ending?  Oh, I get it. We're HAPPY it's an ENDING.