Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"

Mutant Vampire Zombies From The 'Hood! (2008) 

Okay I confess, this title was on the list of 'suggestions' and the title was so awful by itself that I thought hey, a throw-away movie that might be fun. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It was just... awful. Remember Gangs Of The Dead? Add a little more money to it, change a meteor for a solar flare and you basically have the same damn movie. With C. Thomas Howell in it, doing his usual one side face tick and monotone delivery he does in every movie he's in. So what was it about? Oh ho, what a freaking mess:

We have a drug deal going down in L.A. - this time our stereotypes are African American and Asian. And two (Only two?) cops ready to take the whole bunch down. Riiight. They're in a medical supplies warehouse that is lined with lead because some of the materials are radioactive. Do we see where this is going? I did. But I watched anyway. A solar flare that scientists should have been able to see and warn people days in advance hits the earth for 18 hours. Those 'protected' somehow pass out but remain human - those that 'stay awake' or are outside (no explanation given why) are mutated into zombies, vampires, rapists, or all three. Oh goody. A scientist is trying to get survivors together to take to a survivalist-type compound he built just in case. Okay.

None of the characters are even remotely likable, so when they die there's no love lost at all and we're just relieved that there are less of these foul-mouthed idiots to keep track of. Technical problems run the gamut in this thing, from over CGI'd scenes that are faker than fake, to weapons either being misused, not cocked before firing, having unlimited bullets, having only one bullet (the gun's slide locked back after he fired - that means the gun's empty), to an M16 being used only half-cocked. Which pretty much sums up this movie - half cocked. They make up explanations for things on the way through the movie as if the writer's were thinking "Oh yeah, this is this way because...." on the spot. 

I was looking for funny, knowing I would find plenty of stupid but there just wasn't enough to justify this garbage. One conversation: G-Dog, "This is like a George Romero movie." David (C. Thomas Howell), "Who is George Romero?" G-Dog lists some like NOTLD, DOTD, SOTD, etc. and David replies, "I saw Shaun Of The Dead." "Well as long as we're not in Resident Evil, those suckers RUN." And that's the only one and as good as it gets. The gore is so low budget it's laughable - if it was funny. It was just pitiful.

After a few more deaths they reach the scientists house - who so conveniently has an electric car AND airplane to get to their haven (Oh yeah, electricity works fine, but gasoline is no longer combustible. Why? Don't have a clue and they don't explain.) more die but four live to drive to the airport and fly off into the sunset to... something. 

So many flaws in this movie it wasn't even funny to keep track - in fact I got really bored writing them all down. Here L.A. has a population of about 12 million, who either were mutated or normal - but there's no one around, except the stray zombie here and there. Where is everyone? They tried to explain that by saying they were 'staying inside' because they were confused as to what was happening to them. Massive duh. Not a single one of the actors/actresses had fired weapons before - they were either not cocking, half cocking, or cocking and cocking again their guns (and the sideways 'gangbanger' stance doesn't work much for accuracy either) and shotguns were being used from the hip (not a chance). The M16? She uses a hundred rounds (at least that's what it sounded like) to hit THREE zombies. And they wonder why they don't have enough ammo. Why were some zombies horny? Why were some turned into vampires and not zombies? Why am I asking so many questions? When you have a title like this one with an exclamation point at the end, expect stupidity. And dealing with stereotypes, expect the bad language and a lot of 'hood talk - again very disparaging to ethnic groups. And as for C. Thomas Howell? He looks like he's in his mid 50's and if he doesn't develop a personality soon, he's gonna be stuck in turkeys like this one until his 60's... and he's only 45.